Wednesday, 23 June 2021

Losers Team standings after the French grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the French grand prix.

No change at the top. LockedDownLosers played their DRS and enjoyed a bump from 16th place on the season loserboard to 11th. Further down the table, The Tour de France is Better snuck from 13th place to 16th. You're going the wrong way, you silly sausage! 

In the driver rankings, "impetuous" Tsunoda finds himself overtaking Schumacher for 3rd place. And Leclerc leapfrogs Russell, Vettel and Raikkonen as he rises from 9th to 6th. Ferrari was full of fails in France and find themselves moving up from 7th to 5th in the constructor rankings

Read on.

Losers Team points: French grand prix

A man standing in front of an ATM saying "here goes"

THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN FRANCE

The French grand prix was surprisingly entertaining, like a grandfather who impersonates Taylor Swift, or a blancmange that knows tap dance. Although the focus was on Verstappen's risky race strategy, our eyes were further down the field. How did our Losers Teams fare at Circuit Paul Ricard?

In one sense, the usual suspects picked up points in France, so there were fewer surprises than usual. In another sense, erm, um... look! A performing blancmange! Look at it wobble! Ha ha ha, it's got tap shoes! Look!

Right, we think we got away with that. How did the Losers Teams do? And why have we got a picture of ATMs? Read on to find out more.

Driver & constructor points: French grand prix

Bottas looking pensive, thinking "I wonder if Haas will take me"

Before we get into the Losers Points given to drivers and constructors at the French grand prix, we really must read you this letter we've just received. It has a Finnish postmark. Not sure who it's from.

"Dear F1 Losers League. Have you any jobs going? I am very experienced at driving cars at just under the speed they're meant to go. My favourite number is 77 and Wikipedia says I like the band The Offspring. I can do work experience. I make a mean cup of coffee. Please give me a job. I've got my performance review soon and I'm a bit worried. Does the F in F1 stand for Finland? I hope so."

Thanks for getting in contact, anonymous letter writer. We'll, er, get back to you. Shall we get on with the Losers Points in France? Yes, let's. Read on.

Tuesday, 22 June 2021

Losers Team standings after the Azerbaijan grand prix

VroomDoom and Team Name retain the top two positions in the F1 Losers League. Tardi Minardi sneaks ahead into third place, but only just. Meanwhile, after a triple-points treat in Azerbaijan, Pierre Ghastly rockets from 14th place to 5th, leaving them just one point ahead of Panda Pops. Read on.

Losers Team scores: Azerbaijan grand prix

A puppy with a toilet roll saying "I WILL NEVER ENTER THE F1 LOSERS LEAGUE DUE TO MY LACK OF OPPOSABLE THUMBS"

THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN AZERBAIJAN

Ouch. That hurt. Sergio Perez winning in Azerbaijan really stung some of our Losers Teams. Especially with it being a DRS (Double Race Scores) grand prix, which means every point lost was an extra kick in the gut.

Still, let's look on the positive side. All over the world, there are cute puppies playing with toilet rolls. There are fields of lambs frolicking on sunlit hillocks. And one Losers Team was very clever indeed, manipulating their DRS in Azerbaijan to great effect. We are in awe. Read on to find out more.

Driver & constructor points: Azerbaijan grand prix

Verstappen kicking the ruined tyre of his F1 car while saying "faster, dammit"

If there's one thing we learn in Baku, it's that every Formula One grand prix should be just two laps long.

The Azerbaijan race had some dramatic moments, especially with Stroll and Verstappen's tyres failing at such high speeds. But it was the standing restart for the final two laps of the race that had the most drama. The smoking brakes, the missed corner, Mark Webber screaming in the studio.

This led to two drivers breaking their duck in 2021. Lewis Hamilton and Max Verstappen scored their first Points of the season. Yes, they've earned plenty of minus-25 Race Win Penalties. But this was the first time they notched up positive Losers Points. This is massive news, and we will be ringing the FIA to tell them.

This leaves us with just one lone driver that is yet to get a single Losers Point so far this year. This is shocking to us, and we can't bear to mention his name. It rhymes with Rando Boris.

Let's slap on the losers lotion and bask in warm glow of failure at the Azerbaijan grand prix. Read on.


Saturday, 29 May 2021

Losers Team standings after the Monaco grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Monaco grand prix.

After being tied with Tardi Minardi, a clever Pitlane Punt ploy leaves VroomDoom in a solo first place in the F1 Losers League. Meanwhile, Team Name shoot from 11th place to second place. 

In the driver standings, Schumacher and Bottas are now joint third, dropping Latifi to fifth. Not much change for the constructors, although it's worth noting that McLaren broke their duck in Monaco, scoring their first two Losers Points of the season. Read on.

Losers Team scores: Monaco grand prix

A disconsolate Charles Leclerc saying "Can't believe I didn't enter the Pitlane Punt"
 
THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN MONACO

The Monaco grand prix was all about Charles Leclerc and his home race woes. To borrow an analogy from a different sport, he faced an open goal with no defenders, and then he uprooted the goalposts and threw them into the nearest marina.  

Not only did he top the points by squandering his poll position so badly, Leclerc's disaster vastly affected the result for Losers Teams in Monte Carlo. Any Team that played the Charles Chance Pitlane Punt, successfully betting on Leclerc not finishing in the top six, got themselves stacks of points.

Let's shimmy around hairpin and peer into the tunnel of doom as we explore the fate of the Losers Teams points in Monaco. Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Monaco grand prix

A Ferrari F1 car being hoisted above the track with a distant crowd member saying "hold on, that's cheating"

What an amazing moment. Charles Leclerc netted poll position at his home grand prix in Monaco, the first Monegasque to do so in 80 years. Not only that, it was Ferrari's first poll position since 1066, when the prancing horse was an actual horse, and the hapless race director featured all the wrong things on the Bayeux Tapestry.

So when Leclerc dinged his driveshaft and failed to make the grid for the race, we knew this was a true F1 Losers League moment. The spirit of loserdom drifted in from the docks and settled on the narrow streets: the yachts sunk a little lower in the water; the chandeliers in the hotels lost their sparkle. Monaco, you are ours now. Mwhahahahaha...

...Er, sorry, where were we? Oh yes. What could have been a boring procession to the finishing line, which it was because it's Monaco, turned into a key loser moment of the year. Poor Charles. He inevitabley scooped up Losers Points along with Ferrari, but what about the rest of the Monaco mêlée? Read on.

Pitlane Punt: Wildlife Wager

Wildlife Wager: play this Pitlane Punt

PITLANE PUNT: THE WILDLIFE WAGER

The punt:

  • Bet on an animal making an unexpected appearance at any of the next five grand prix weekends.
Everyone loves a fluffy thing, and we don't mean Pierre Gasly's attempt at a beard. Will our superstar racing drivers be upstaged by a stray kitten or an angry wombat? Read on to play this Punt.

Friday, 28 May 2021

Pitlane Punt: The Russell Hustle

The Russell Hustle. Play this Pitlane Punt.

PITLANE PUNT: THE RUSSELL HUSTLE

The punt:

  • Bet on George Russell doing worse than Nicholas Latifi in particular races.
At the time of writing, it hasn't happened yet in the 2021 season. But we dream big here at the F1 Losers League. Can Russell do worse than Latifi? Read on to play this Punt.

Thursday, 13 May 2021

Losers Team standings after the Spanish grand prix

We Spained, we saw, we conked out.

Here are the latest standings following the Spanish grand prix. It's still tight at the top, although there's no move in the top three. The biggest change in the loserboard was prompted by HAASN'T A CHANCE's genius DRS adjustment, which rocketed them from 21st place to 4th.

Scroll down for the driver and constructor standings. Tsunoda has moved up into second place for the drivers, while Haas has overtaken Williams as the biggest losing constructor. Read on.

Losers Team scores: Spanish grand prix

Freddie Mercury singing "no time for losers" from We Are The Champions, and someone off camera shouting "WHAT?!"
 
THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN SPAIN

Look at you, watching the Spanish grand prix on your big screen telly. Pop corn in one hand, Blue Nun in the other. You've got one eye on the racing action, and one eye on the F1 Losers League app, which is giving blow-by-blow telemetry on the worst elements of the grand prix. The F1 Losers app doesn't exist. It's just some crayon you've scrawled on a piece of toilet paper.

In Spain, one Losers Team absolutely nailed the DRS system to score more points in a single race than any other team so far. While many teams still did pretty well for Losers Points, others will be desperately waiting for the unlocking of the first Ejector Seat, allowing them to dump team choices that are proving to be too successful. Mentioning no names. NORRIS.

Which Losers Teams brought the pain in Spain? Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Spanish grand prix

Yuki Tsunoda showing off his Beige flag and "10 points" snow globe

We asked Valtteri Bottas to write this race report for us. However, at the crucial moment, he disobeyed our orders. See what we did there? That was a reference to Bottas not moving aside for Hamilton at the Spanish grand prix. It's this kind of clever narrative that sets the F1 Losers League apart from other fantasy leagues.

Verstappen described himself as a "sitting duck" as Hamilton reeled him in for a race win. There was plenty of flapping about across the field, with the Spanish race offering more overtaking as usual. However, the usual turkeys reared their ugly heads: Haas finishing 92 laps down; Aston Martin disappointing again; Russell being in the points for about a quarter of a second.

It was no surprise to see constructor Haas top the points in Spain. As for the drivers, it was rookie Yuki Tsunoda who came through as biggest loser, his early promise starting to show more than a few signs of wear and tear. 

Who was a Catalonian car-tastrophe at the Spanish grand prix? Read on.

Monday, 3 May 2021

Losers Team standings after the Portuguese grand prix

There was some great overtaking at the Portuguese grand prix so it seems appropriate that we have a new leader in the F1 Losers League (Have a look at the Portuguese scores here.

We present to you some lovely tables showing (a) the F1 Losers League standings, which we're determined on calling the loserboard even though it's not catching on, (b) the driver standings with a familiar name in first place, and (c) the constructor standings where it's pretty close at the top. Read on.

Losers Team scores: Portuguese grand prix

Romans in battle, with an elephant being mistaken for a Haas, and the elephant riders saying "we're on for fastest lap, lads"
 
THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN PORTUGAL

What's the most dramatic thing to happen in Portugal? The Roman conquest of Iberia? The overthrow of dictatorship in the Revolution of the Carnations? Vettel pulling into the McLaren pitstop by mistake?

Wrong. It's DRS. One of the key features in modern Formula One is DRS (Drag Reduction System), the booster button that allows cars to overtake. For the F1 Losers League, we have stolen this idea: we created our own DRS (Double Race Scores) function and in Portugal, 22 Losers Teams had theirs activated. Points all over the place!

This means if you did well in Portugal, you did *really* well in Portugal. And if you did badly...

Let's have a peek at the Losers Teams points in Portugal. Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Portuguese grand prix

Raikkonen looking at his hat saying "Is this a steering wheel?"

Just imagine. You're at the supermarket reaching for the frozen peas. Suddenly, Nikita Mazepin gets in the way. You're at the bowling alley going in for your first strike of the game. Nikita Mazepin walks in front of you, and you drop the ball on your foot. You're in bed in the throes of passion with your loved-one, who's dressed up as Barney the dinosaur for some reason. Nikita Mazepin pops his head from under the covers. Mazepin! Not again!

Mazepin's ability to block everyone made him the biggest losing driver in Portugal, with Raikkonen's front wing prang placing him in a close second place as he scored the only retirement of the race.

Alfa Romeo had a rotten race, with a Biege Flag helping them to the lion's share of the Losers Points. Our reason for giving them the Biege Flag is entirely petty, but they still would have been the biggest losers even without that extra 10 points. Oh and Raikkonen got confused about something obvious.

Who did poorly in Portugal? Read on.

Tuesday, 27 April 2021

Time for a decision: DRS dreams in Portugal

Two Sebastian Vettels, one thinking "dammit, I wish I had double points" and the other one thinking "what he said"

This weekend's Formula One grand prix, taking place in the gorgeous Algarve on the south coast of Portugal, is a default DRS race for the F1 Losers League. 

What does this mean? Let's explain.

WHAT IS DRS?

DRS means Double Race Scores. If a Losers Teams plays a DRS at a grand prix, all their scores for that race are doubled.

Each team gets nine DRSs to allocate to races throughout the 23-race season. This means nine opportunities for a points bonanza – or a points blow-out.

If a team scores strongly at a race, and they've applied a DRS doubling to that race, they'll shoot up the leaderboard of the F1 Losers League. Bonanza!

However, if they score poorly at a DRS-doubled race, it's a wasted opportunity. Blow me.

What's a "default" DRS, as mentioned above? Let's explain that too.

WHAT IS DEFAULT DRS?

We don't want DRSs to go unused, so every Losers Team starts the season with DRS automatically allocated to every third race, plus a couple of bonus DRS races at the end of the season. We call these "default" DRSs.

This means if you're feeling lazy and don't want to participate much in the Losers League, you'll still get your double scores at nine races in the season.

The nine pre-allocated default DRS races for 2021 are as follows: May 2 Portugal | Jun 6 Azerbaijan | Jul 4 Austria | Aug 29 Belgium | Sep 26 Russia | Oct 24 United States | Nov 21 Australia | Dec 5 Saudi Arabia | Dec 12 Abu Dhabi.

These default DRS races are labelled on our season calendar and you can also see them on your individual team page listed on the Entries page.

WHAT THIS MEANS IN PORTUGAL

As you can see, this weekend's race in Portugal is one such default DRS race. This means we'll be tootling around the Algarve with almost every Losers Team getting double points. Some will benefit massively: for others, this will be a costly mistake.

As is already happening with Portugal, some teams might choose to move their DRS allocations to other races, so different races get double points instead. In fact, Losers Teams can move any DRS to any future race in the 23-race season, and do this as much as they wish.

They can even stack up to three DRS allocations in one single race: this is a higher risk strategy that will see teams getting triple or quadruple points.

If you want to see which races have DRS allocated for your Losers Team, go to your individual team page listed here.

TIME TO DECIDE

So then, Losers Teams, you need to ask yourself a question. Do you stick to the DRS we've automatically given to you for this weekend's grand prix in Portugual? Or do you de-allocate that DRS and move it to a different race later in the season?

If you want to, you can move a DRS allocation using the control panel on the DRS page.

As the famous Portuguese philosopher Cristiano Ronaldo once said, "I feel an endless need to learn, to improve, to evolve, not only to please the coach and the fans, but also to feel satisfied with myself. It is my conviction that here are no limits to Double Race Scores, and that it can never stop, no matter what our age."

Wednesday, 21 April 2021

Pitlane Punt: The Giantkiller (active — bet now)

The Giantkiller: play this Pitlane Punt

PITLANE PUNT: THE GIANTKILLER

The punt:

  • Bet on the title contenders Hamilton and Verstappen *not* winning at a particular race.
Fee-fi-fo-fum, we smell the winner of Formula One. Be he a Lewis, or be he a Max, you'll bet on someone else taking chequered flags. Read on to play this Punt.

Pitlane Punt: The Charles Chance (closed)

The Charles Chance: play this Pitlane Punt

PITLANE PUNT: THE CHARLES CHANCE

The punt:

  • Bet against a Charles Leclerc top six finish at his home grand prix in Monaco on May 23rd.
  • This means, when the leading six cars take the chequered flag at the Monaco grand prix, if none of them are Charles Leclerc, you win the punt
Charles is a Monégasque driver, which means he was born with a silver yacht in his mouth. Let's see if he can be crowned a loser at his home grand prix. Read on to play this Punt.

Pitlane Punt: The Iberian Question (closed)

The Iberian Question: play this Pitlane Punt

PITLANE PUNT: THE IBERIAN QUESTION

This Pitlane Punt is now closed. The punt was:

  • Predict the number of retirements at the Portuguese grand prix (May 2nd) and the Spanish grand prix (May 9th) combined. 
If you were pootling around a race track in Portugal or Spain, you'd park up and head off to the beach instead, right?

Tuesday, 20 April 2021

Losers League standings after the Emilia Romagna (Imola) grand prix

After two races, things are shaping up nicely. How did your team do at the weekend? (Have a look here.) Was your result in Italy like a lovely pizza, nice and hot, dripping with cheese? Or was it like chewing on a rusty hubcap? Mmmm. Hubcaps.

Here are some tables with (a) the F1 Losers League standings, which we're still calling the loserboard, (b) the driver standings after such a crashy grand prix, and (c) the constructor standings. Read on.

Losers Team scores: Emilia Romagna (Imola) grand prix

Kimi Raikkonen driving on a gravel run-off area saying "someone should sweep up all this debris"
 
THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN IMOLA

It was a long wait, but the cars finally hit the track for the second race of the 2021 F1 season... then promptly spent a lot of time driving off the track. 

The half-dry, half-rain weather conditions at the Emilia Romagna grand prix (Imola to its friends) caused mayhem for the Formula One teams. Before you carry on, have a look at the points we awarded to the drivers and constructors in Imola.

How did the Losers Teams fare? Which teams got wet feet? Which teams left their brolly on the bus? Which teams were singing in the rain? Can anyone make sense of these confused metaphors?

Let's look at who did a terrible Italian job. Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Emilia Romagna (Imola) grand prix

Amid crashed cars, Bottas gives the middle finger to Russell, saying "give me one ring when you get home"

The biggest story of the Imola grand prix appears to be George Russell and Valtteri Bottas playing bumper cars at 200mph. One driver is hoping to be a Mercedes driver next year, and the other is trying very hard not to stay as a Mercedes driver next year. 

Perhaps, however, the biggest story is the sinister wizardry that happened on lap one. Nikita Mazepin throws his car off the track with alarming regularity, as if possessed by some kind of aerodynamic poltergeist. On Sunday, in an impressive feat of demonic transference, he touched Nicholas Latifi's car ever-so-slightly, and it was Latifi who was propelled into the barriers. Is Latifi now possessed with the Phantasm of Mazepin? Who will the curse pass into next?

Latifi was the driver who scored the most losers points: that crash got him 10 points for a DNF plus 5 points for an Earliest Exit. And thanks to our unpredictable Beige Flag awards, it's Tsunoda who was the second biggest losing driver – more details below.

Williams topped the Losers Points for constructors in Italy: what a terrible race for them. Mercedes find themselves in second place in the Losers points, as a growing number of cross-constructor arguments cause a few twitches from our Beige Flags.

Let's dig a little more. Read on.

Monday, 29 March 2021

Losers League standings after the Bahrain grand prix

How did your team do in the first race of the season? (Have a look here.) Are you licking a celebratory ice cream, or just licking your wounds? Did you pop the champagne, or pop all your hopes and dreams?

Here are some lovely tables with (a) the F1 Losers League standings, which we're calling the loserboard, (b) the driver standings so you can see who's rubbish, and (c) the constructor standings. Read on.

Losers Team scores: Bahrain grand prix

Bahrain GP Mercedes aghast at their minus 25 points

THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN BAHRAIN

The F1 season is back, and already our Losers Teams are feeling the full force of failure. As one entrant put it on Twitter, "I'm appalled at myself for being so pleased to see Mazepin out on his first lap!"

If you want to see all the points awarded to drivers and constructors, see Bahrain's Race Points here. How has this panned out for the Losers Teams? Let's look at who failed brilliantly – and who didn't fail enough. Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Bahrain grand prix

Bahrain GP Mazapin with a fire marshall who says HI I’M JEFF AND I’M HERE TO AWARD YOU YOUR LOSERS TROPHY

Haas rookie Nikita Mazepin described his opening lap crash at the Bahrain grand prix as one of the worst days of his life.

He is wrong, because Mazepin topped the Drivers Losers Points in Bahrain. In the eyes of the F1 Losers League, that makes it one of the best days ever, like remembering you had a Twix you hadn't eaten, or finding candy floss in a hedge.

His team mate Mick Schumacher pootled into last place which added to Haas's Loser Points, but they weren't the worst constructor. That accolade goes to Alpine whose food-based mishap propelled them to extraordinary levels of loserdom. 

Let's dig a little more. Read on.

Friday, 26 March 2021

Let's get ready to trundle: the F1 Losers League is go this weekend

Carlos Sainz saying "I'm totally picking you for my losers team" and Charles Leclerc replying "shut up - I'm picking YOU"

The 2021 F1 Losers League is on the starting grid and will shortly be trundling its way through 23 races of underdog action.

Entries for the League close at 3pm GMT on 27 March 2021, at the start of the first qualifying session for the Bahrain grand prix. At that point, team choices are locked, and Losers Teams are bound by the rules of the Losers League.

"But Fat Roland, CEO of the F1 Losers League, we don't want to obey your rules: you suck," I hear you protest. Don't make me come over there. I have a wheel gun, a hose clamp and eighteen gallons of Swarfega, and I'm not afraid to use them.

After the Bahrain race has run its course, the League will get its calculator out and work out the results based on our scoring system. We'll usually update the site on the Wednesday following a grand prix, or earlier if we're feeling frisky. That update will comprise:

  • points earned by drivers and constructors in Bahrain, including our possibly unpredictable Beige Flag awards;

  • the Losers Team points earned in Bahrain;

  • the all-important first loserboard of the season: it's like a leaderboard, but for losers.

What happens after that? Teams might want to shuffle their DRS-allocated races. There's the Italian grand prix on April 18th. And on April 21st, we'll publish the season's first Pitlane Punts in which you can irresponsibly gamble the meagre points you've already earned.

A huge thank you, by the way, for those who have entered so far, and for those that have helped promote the league. We'll probably end up with about 20 teams, which I'll be really pleased with. This is not a big massive fantasy league: it's a home-grown affair created by someone who doesn't even drive, and if he did drive, it would be like Belgium 1998.

Don't forget that deadline. 3pm GMT sharp. Don't make me use the hose clamp.

Yours,

Fat Roland
CEO: F1 Losers League

Monday, 22 March 2021

Double trouble: DRS season is open

DRS stands for Double Race Scores, and the League is happy to announce this function is now available for you to use.

DRS doubles a team's Losers Points at a race. Each Losers Team gets nine DRS to play with throughout the season. These are pre-set to trigger at nine races by default (which you can see in the season calendar). Those default races are:

May 2: Portuguese grand prix
June 6: Azerbaijan grand prix
July 4: Austrian grand prix
August 29: Belgian grand prix
September 26: Russian grand prix
October 24: United States grand prix
November 21: Australian grand prix
December 5: Saudi Arabian grand prix
December 12: Abu Dhabi grand prix 

Wow! Look at all those extra points pouring down on you like hail, bird poop or acid rain. Soak yourself in all those extra points.

However, you don't have to stick to these defaults. You can move a default DRS to any other race in the season. You can do this at any point in the season, as often as you want. 

You can even stack up to three DRS in a single race, which means you could earn up to quadruple Losers Points in just one race.

You only get nine DRS to use, and once one has been used, it cannot be used again. And if you're wanting to apply it to a forthcoming race, get your change in before qualifying starts.

Move your DRS by using the form below, or go to the Repair Shop page. Check the calendar, and learn more about DRS here.

Sunday, 21 March 2021

Time to enter the 2021 F1 Losers League

Lewis Hamilton saying "Me and Valtteri are going to win" while pointing at Elton John

The 2021 F1 Losers League is open for entries – and the deadline is approaching fast.

The entry deadline is 27 March, the start of qualifying at the Bahrain grand prix. This is a Losers League, so you'll want to pick the worst possible team: think retirements, red flags, tardiness and trouble-makers. 

"Oh heck, I'd better get on with it," we hear you say. Too right. Here's what you need to do.

  1. Have a look at the F1 Losers League points system to help you work out how the League will score things.

  2. Browse this year's driver and constructor line-up and decide who's going to be rubbish and earn you the most Losers Points.

  3. Enter your team. You'll need to pick three drivers and one constructor. And remember: a constructor will earn points at a faster rate than a driver.

  4. Have a cup of tea or a doughnut.
And that's it. You're on the starting blocks ready for kick-off, seconds out round one, and other assorted mixed sporting metaphors. Jump straight to the entry form here.