Wednesday 29 September 2021

Standings after the Russian grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Russian grand prix. (Race points hereLosers Team scores here.)

Mancunian Badboy Racing had a cracking Russian race and move up four places on the loserboard, albeit only to 20th. Fernando Analonso and Nikita Mazepimp edged up two places apiece, and the biggest fallers were Tardi Minardi and Not good on the BENds.

Schumacher re-took 2nd place in the drivers' standings, while McLaren and Mercedes swap back positions further down the table. Mercedes are back into negative scores.

Read on for the full Standings following the Russian grand prix.

Losers Team scores: Russian grand prix

A graphic from television with Schumacher saying "beep, beep, beep, beep"

Yes, this is a graphic of Mick Schumacher saying "beep beep" while driving a car. Nothing to do with the upcoming commentary. We just wanted to include it.

Russia was the final default-DRS race of the season. Unless your team moved your DRS to an earlier race (looking at you HAASN'T A CHANCE and Panda Pops), all of your points were doubled in Russia.

One team was forced into playing a Pitlane Punt at the last race because of our super irritating tool called Break Assist. Guess what. It paid off handsomely. They won a tonne of points, doubled because of DRS, and sailed into the Sochi sunset, bottle of celebratory Russian vodka in hand.

Not actual vodka. We don't give out prizes at the F1 Losers League. We give out disappointment and bathos. But not prizes.

Carry on reading to see how Losers teams scored at the Russian grand prix.

Race points: Russian grand prix

Lando Norris under an umbrella saying "lovely weather, innit"

In a sense it was back to normal in Russia. Hamilton winning it for Mercedes, incurring our minus-25 point Race Win Penalty, and Haas and Williams topping the Losers points. Except, of course, it wasn't a normal race. It wasn't a normal race at all.

Lando Norris, the least losing driver not to have won a race, had a victory dashed by the most inept weather forecast management since Michael Fish told us to wear flip flops and shades. And every constructor in the universe, it seemed, overused their annual engine allocation, incurring heavy grid penalties.

We have, of course, recognised this with our trusty Beige Flags.

Don't have a Moscow, man. Read on for all the race points given to cars at the Russian grand prix.

Thursday 16 September 2021

Standings after the Italian (Monza) grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Italian grand prix. (Race points here. Losers Team points here.)

In the space of just two races, Team Name find their lead halved. There are rises up the loserboard for NEEEOOOOWWWW (up six places), Panda Pops (up three), LockedDownLosers (up two) and Not good on the BENds (up two).

Tsunoda now finds himself as the second worst driver of the season, moving ahead of Schumacher. Gasly shoots up three places, while Ricciardo, who had the audacity to win in Italy, drops from 13th to 17th. Alfa Romeo and Aston Martin swap places in the constructor standings, as do McLaren and Mercedes, the latter moving into positive point position for the first time in two months.

Read on for the full Standings following the Monza motorcar fun.

Losers Team scores: Italian (Monza) grand prix

Verstappen's car rolling over the top of Hamilton's car, with Verstappen saying "THIS ISN'T AS SEXY AS I HAD HOPED"

There was something animalistic about the way Max Verstappen's car humped Hamilton at the Italian grand prix. Very scary too. Which all seems relevant because, finally, the Wildlife Wager paid off in Italy. That poor frightened rabbit.^

Not only that, but as well as the Giantkiller paying out because of Ricciardo's win, the Merc Merk Pitlane Punt paid out because of Bottas quitting Mercedes. It finally happened! This gave a huge points influx for those wily Losers Teams that spotted then played the punt. Suddenly what seemed like a dominant season win for Team Name looks shaky – see the latest standings here.

Read on for the Losers Teams scores for the Italian grand prix.

Race points: Italian (Monza) grand prix

Mechanics pushing an AlphaTauri car, one saying "WE CAN PUSH IT TO THE FINISH LINE. ONE, TWO, THREE, HEAVE..."

Daniel Ricciardo won in Italy. He's nicknamed the honey badger because he, er , has a sweet tooth and likes rutting in people's back gardens. Meanwhile, Hamilton and Verstappen were humping each other like rabbits. For the F1 Losers League, this is all irrelevant. There was one massive loser in Italy and that was the sad panda that was AlphaTauri.

What a woeful weekend for the Red Bull b-team. The 2020 Italian grand prix winner Pierre Gasly crashed out of the sprint session after hitting Ricciardo, winning him the inaugural 5-point Sprint Fail (see our points system here). He was then delegated to the pitlane for the start, and then exited the race on lap three with suspension failure.

Meanwhile Yuki Tsunoda, subject of a very special Pitlane Punt, crashed in the sprint session and was then wheeled away from the grid at the start of the race because of a brake issue. He didn't even get off the line. 

All this at AlphaTauri's home race. Their score of 45 points is higher than any constructor all season.

Read on for all the race point drama in the Italian grand prix.

Friday 10 September 2021

Double the fun: DRS is being replaced by Boost Buttons

DRS frozen on Sep 11. Launching on Sep 27: Boost Buttons

The F1 Losers League is ditching the DRS (Double Race Scores) system. We're throwing it out, and not even using the recyling bins. Off to landfill for DRS.

This month, we will replace DRS with Boost Buttons. Press a Boost Button and immediately start scoring double points. One press. Bang. That's it.

We'll explain more about Boost Buttons in a moment. The problem with DRS was it relied on F1 jargon, with the wider meaning of "DRS" only being known by people well into F1. We want the League to be accessible to more people than that. A Boost Button is a more understandable concept. Everyone loves pressing buttons.

DRS also involved calendar homework, which was a faff. Pitlane Punts, which are definitely here to stay, are enough of a mind melt without us adding to that.

Here's what will happen. Tomorrow, the DRS system will freeze. There is one more default DRS race in Russia, and a couple of teams are playing DRS for Monza this weekend, but that's it. No more changes to DRS.

On September 27, each Losers Team will be given two Boost Buttons. They can be pressed at any point until the end of the season. The Buttons will appear on your personal team page.

Press a Boost Button and double your race scores for the next TWO races. You can even press both at once, tripling your next two race scores.

We should point out that Boost doubling applies only to race points picked up by Losers Teams, and not to points gained or lost from team actions such as Punts. Also, if you can't be bothered to press your Boost Buttons, or you're busy with other things such as watching paint dry or pulling the legs off spiders, fear not. All unpressed Buttons will be automatically pressed on 1 Dec, giving us lots of multiple scores for the last two races of the season.

There you have it. A big change for the F1 Losers League, but a good one. The boostiest buttons since Jenson!

Thursday 9 September 2021

Standings after the Netherlands grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Netherlands grand prix. (Race points here. Losers Team points here.)

Team Name's lead is slashed by over 140 points, while LockedDownLosers shoot from 12th place to 6th. Tardi Minardi had a shocker, dropping six places, and there were also two-place drops for Back of the shed, Fernando Analonso (the name that keeps on giving) and WereDrivingInReverse.

Our Netherlands hero Giovinazzi moves up three places in the drivers' standings, with moves up the table too for Raikkonen (with Kubica currently standing in for him) and Ricciardo. In the constructors standings, Williams have now opened up a gap to third place, with Alfa Romeo now hot on the heels of Aston Martin.

Read on for the full Standings following the Netherlands race.

Wednesday 8 September 2021

Losers Team scores: Netherlands grand prix

Giovinazzi, looking a lot like Jesus, saying "Blessed be the Punt winners"

Such drama! Such action! So many thrills and spills! No, not the Dutch grand prix, which essentially involved everyone not overtaking home hero Max Verstappen should they be besieged by legions of orange-clad Max fans. We mean the Losers Team scores. Amazing!

A minor prang for Giovinazzi on the opening lap not only cost him aero ability, it also meant a pay-out for the Romeo Oh Romeo Pitlane Punt (bet that an Alfa Romeo car will hit something) and a successful Fast Forecast for the one team that bet he would lose position on the opening lap.

Such a small incident, but with consequences that would define the Losers results in the Netherlands. A bit like Jesus feeding the five thousand, but with Losers Points instead of fish. Come to think of it, we've never seen Jesus and Giovinazzi in the same place at the same time. Iiiinteresting...

Incidentally, there was no Raikkonen in this race. For the Netherlands, and for the next race in Italy, it will be Kubica scoring points for that car instead.

Read on for the Losers Teams scores for the Netherlands grand prix.

Tuesday 7 September 2021

Race points: Netherlands grand prix

Orange-vested workers on an exaggerated slope, one of them saying "doesn't look steep to me"

The F1 Losers League is so impressed at the steep banking at the Dutch grand prix circuit, the following report is being written on a wonky chair with a gradiant of 30 degrees. A hardback copy of 'Microwave Meals For One' under one chair leg. Feels just like turn three at Zandvoort.

Raikkonen missed the race because of Covid, so if you have Raikkonen on your team, you earned points with his replacement Kubica. You also picked up Raikkonen's Beige Flag points, so double bonus.

While everyone was obsessing about Russell's future, our eye was on the debate surrounding Giovinazzi's future. Doubts about his ability to retain his seat, along with a performance that crumbled from a decent qualifying place into oblivion, made him the biggest losing driver at the Dutch grand prix. This also had a big effect on this race's Losers Team scores.

The other big news was Williams. Russell's disastrous final few laps helped the team to their biggest score of the season so far, even beating Haas. Welcome back to the realms of loserdom, Williams.

Read on for all the race point drama in the Netherlands.

Wednesday 1 September 2021

Tool up with the Lucky Spanner

The Lucky Spanner is now available to all Losers Teams.

Imagine it's Christmas Day. You grab a present from underneath the tree, the one with the sparkliest wrapping paper. You tug at the sellotape and rip away the wrap. Inside you find... a spanner.

"Thanks," you sigh, faking a smile to the family you secretly hate as you feel the weight of dozens of Christmases to come.

You all now have a spanner! The Lucky Spanner can only be used once. It self-destructs your entire team, randomly replacing all your team members (with some caveats – see the Lucky Spanner page). You then start scoring points with your newly respawned Losers Team. 

If you're scoring decent points in the Losers League, then you won't need the Lucky Spanner. In fact, it's best avoided, like poison ivy, quicksand and Piers Morgan. 

However, if you're in the points doldrums and can't be bothered with all this Forecast and Punt business, wield the Spanner. Nuke your team. Start afresh!

Waggle that spanner now.