Wednesday, 11 May 2022

Standings after the Miami grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Miami grand prix.

Team Name and Your Answer remain at the top of the loserboard. But with all of their Boost Buttons now pressed and out of the way, how quickly will other teams catch up?  The biggest riser is Henry's Motors, while Vladimir Mazepin, Pierre Ghastly and Strolling the ranks all reach new highs in the Standings.

Nicholas Latifi regains the lead of the driver rankings, and look at Magnussen shooting up nine places to 5th. Williams are still the most losing team, and that battle for third-worst constructor behind Aston Martin is looking very tight. These new cars really can race closely behind each other!

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Miami grand prix 2022

Valtteri Bottas gesturing aimlessly, saying to his partner "IS THIS THE INVISIBLE FAKE MARINA? AM I CLOSE?"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN MIAMI

  • Your Answer topped the points at the Miami grand prix. 1st place with 152 points looks impressive. However, read on: their Boost Button usage was nothing less than an unmitigated disaster.
  • They boosted! They punted! They ejected! Their forecasted! Nikita Putin well and truly earned themselves 2nd place with 141 points.
  • Vladimir Mazepin nailed the Miami 5-0 Pitlane Punt. 3rd place and 140 points for them, just 1 point behind sister team Nikita Putin. Do we detect some jealousy brewing?
  • A solid performance underpinned by a good Track Points boost was the key to Pierre Ghastly's 128 points and 4th place in Miami.
  • Henry's Motors also did well with the Miami 5-0 Punt and a Boost Button. 5th place and 94 points, thank you very much.
  • And My heart will Grosjean rounds up our Miami top six with 77 lovely points.
This is the commentary page for the Miami grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Miami grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Miami grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Miami grand prix 2022

Mick Schumacher saying to Kevin Magnussen "I GOT 10 TRACK POINTS. HOW MANY DID YOU GET?" with Magnussen smiling

The Miami grand prix felt like a Formula E track, baby. This isn't an insult, as Formula E is brilliant. But it perhaps lacked good racing, with all of the pizazz reserved for the celebrity-packed pitlane and the bizarrely fake marina. It took a safety car from Gasly and Norris's terrifyingly high-impact collision to bring out the kind of chaos we love here at the F1 Losers League, baby.

Magnussen was so full of promise, but here he is topping the Track Points in Miami with a last-lap retirement after a clash with Lance Stroll. Zhou is just behind him, with his second 15-pointer in two races. For races in May and June, the Raceday Special points element pivots to slowest pit lane time: take a bow, inaugural slow-pitter Mick Schumacher, baby.

McLaren, Aston Martin and Haas all scored their highest Track Points of the season. Lando Norris said he ended his race "in a silly way"^, so we take this to mean McLaren are allowing their drivers to wear clown wigs and squirty flower pins. Not sure how this sits with the jewellery ban, but each to their own, baby.

Oh the "baby" comments? Let's explain. This is in tribute to the post-race interviews by the incredible Willy T Ribbs, who said "Great job, baby" to Carlos Sainz and "Awesome job, baby" to Max Verstappen. In fact, his full comment to Verstappen is worth printing here in full:

"Awesome job, baby. Awesome job. All right, champ. Hey, Muhammad Ali told me that when you’re champ, Christmas Day is every day, so another Christmas... plus you're in good shape son, you’re ready to get into the boxing ring?"

Ho, ho, ho, baby.

Read on for all the Track Points in Miami.

Wednesday, 27 April 2022

Standings after the Emilia Romagna grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Emilia Romagna (Imola) grand prix.

Team Name retain the lead of the League, although with their Boost Buttons spent, everyone else may well catch up. Team Name's sister team Your Answer shoots to 2nd place after also pressing all of their Boosts at once. Will this pay off? It's fascinating to watch. My heart will Grosjean move into a season-best of 4th. And The Blue Flag Boys quietly make their debut in the top ten.

Riccardo is catching Vettel and Latifi in the driver standings, while Aston Martin and Red Bull nestle up behind Williams in the constructors' listings. Red Bull can blame their Beige Flag for that.

As of this fourth race of the season, every single driver and constructor has now earned Track Points. Last year, this didn't happen until the British grand prix, the tenth race of 2021. This is a testament to the topsy-turvy mixed-up nature of this years championship. Running a Losers team must be SO difficult in 2022. *smug smile*

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Emilia Romagna grand prix 2022

Toto Wolff ranting inanely to a bored Lewis Hamilton about how his takeaway of king prawns was left on his doorstep in the rain

BIGGEST LOSERS IN IMOLA

  • Your Answer attacked this race like Lorraine Kelly fighting a basketful of puppies. It was brutal. They changed almost every team member with Ejector Seats then launched all five of their season's Boost Buttons. The result? A just-above-average result, multiplied to 174 points and 1st place.
  • Despite Tsunoda scoring zilch for them, My heart will Grosjean claimed 2nd place and 102 points. They scooped the Boost bonus after a top Track Points performance, and played two Boost Buttons to boot. A bonzer follow-up to their excellent Australia result.
  • Also playing two Boosts were The Blue Flag Boys, whose 81 points gives them 3rd place in Imola. Their two Boost Buttons flatters a slightly mediocre Track Points performance hindered by a zero-scoring Stroll and Tsunoda.
  • In 4th place with 66 points is Pierre Ghastly. Good Track Points, good Ejector Seating, good Pitlane Punting, good boy *pats on head*.
  • Mancunian Badboy Racing and Tardi Minardi find themselves with 56 points each and joint 5th place in Imola. Both of them did a fairly average Boost, enough to see them in these top scores.
This is the commentary page for the Emilia Romagna grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Emilia Romagna grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Emilia Romagna (Imola) grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Emilia Romagna grand prix 2022

Carlos Sainz balancing on top of his stricken Ferrari, saying "this surfboard is rubbish"

Did we witness a good sprint race? Did that happen? Or was it a figment of our imagination? Was it some kind of fevered dream because we've been scoffing brie wheels in our pyjamas? Why are we keeping cheese in our pyjamas? None of this makes sense.

The sprint race might have been fun, but it was no consolation for our two biggest scoring drivers. Zhou Guanyu sprinted into oblivion and earned the first Sprint Drop points of the season, and Carlos Sainz's race lasted two corners, giving him the second Earliest Exit points in two races. Sainz was pitched off the track by Ricciardo, whose hobbled car gave him a bunch of Track Points too.

As for the constructors, Alfa Romeo topped the points alongside Ferrari, with Alpine in third place after, for the second time this season, we got to witness an Alpine car driving with a huge gaping hole in the side. Yikes. Wonder where the hole leads? Echo. Echo. ECHO.

Read on for all the Track Points in Imola. Let's just call it Imola, because it's quicker to type than Emilia Romagna.

Wednesday, 20 April 2022

The Miami 5-0 Punt (closed)

The Miami 5-0: play this Pitlane Punt

We're as excited as you are about F1 racing in Miami on May 8th. No, really, we are excited. What? No, that's just how our face looks. We're excited INSIDE.

So let's come up with a special one-race punt called the Miami 5-0. It's like Hawaii 5-0, but entirely the wrong part of the United States.

Bet on a driver ending up at least five places behind their team mate at the Miami grand prix. Read on to play this Punt.

Thursday, 14 April 2022

Standings after the Australia grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Australian grand prix.

Team Name retain the lead of the Losers League because they jabbed all of their Boost Buttons at once. Moving into second place, leading the charge to catch Team Name, are Cockpit Misfits. The biggest risers up the loserboard are Scrapyard 17 and Strolling the ranks.

Latifi rises to second place in the drivers' rankings, behind Vettel. Keep an eye on Schumacher and Tsuonda who rocketed up the table. Red Bull are toppled from the constructor's standings, with Williams now the worst constructor in Formula One. Useful information to know when considering your next Ejector Seat change.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Australian grand prix 2022

A relaxed Nicholas Latifi lounging in the back of a car at the Australian grand prix, with a face-masked driver asking "Any particular barrier you want driving to, sir?"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN AUSTRALIA

  • A perfect storm of brilliance saw Scrapyard 17 top the points in Australia. A great Track Points performance, added to with a Boost Button and a host of Pitlane Punt successes. 113 points to them.
  • In 2nd place, Vladimir Mazepin also did a nice job with Punts, their score of 105 enabled by an inspired Ejector Seat change that saw them top of the Track Points table.
  • Cockpit Misfits were the best of the Boosters in Oz, bringing in 3rd place and 87 points.
  • In 4th place with 86 points are Team Name, largely because of their generous Boosting.
  • VroomerDoomer claimed 5th place in Albert Park. Their perfect Pitlane Punt work, including being only one of two teams to opt for the Seb Schlep punt, helped them earn 73 points.
  • And 6th place goes to My heart will Grosjean. Their 64 points was a solid performance. Nothing more, nothing less. Properly solid.
This is the commentary page for the Australian grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Australia grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Australia grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Australia grand prix 2022

Vettel riding on a scooter, apparently the wrong way, saying "CHOO CHOO!"

Here comes Sebastian Vettel! Look at him finally starting his 2022 season! Oh wait. His engine's not working. And now he's crashed. Is he sitting out qualifying? No it's fine, he's on track– Oh. That Aston Martin is not good. And now he's retired the car. Oh heck, this is terrible. It can't get any worse. Wait. What?! Seb! Get off the scooter. GET OFF THE SCOOTER, SEB!

It was lovely to be back in Australia, even if home boy Daniel Ricciardo forgot his obligations to the F1 Losers League and had a decent enough race. What a cobber. A rotten weekend for Sebastian Vettel was almost matched by a struggling Sainz and a newly mediocre Kevin Magnussen. We could have given beige flags to several constructors, but we opted for just one in the end.

What was most remarkable about this race is how many Pitlane Punts came to fruition. You can read more about this on the Losers' teams commentary page.

Read on for all the Track Points in Australia.

Thursday, 7 April 2022

The Seb Schlep Punt

Play the Seb Schlep Pitlane Punt

Sebastian Vettel is back! Inspector Seb is behind the wheel and everything is going to go brilliantly. Right?

Or maybe, just maybe, the former world champ is going to struggle in 2022.

Bet that Sebastian Vettel won't make it out of the first session of qualifying at the forthcoming grand prix. Read on to play this Punt.

The Nicholas Nudge Punt

Play the Nicholas Nudge Pitlane Punt

We'll never forget that image of Nicholas Latifi's car in the Abu Dhabi barriers, hailing a seismic showdown to the 2021 F1 season.

But just how good is Nicholas Latifi at crashing into things? Let's find out.

Bet that Nicholas Latifi will make contact with a barrier or car at the next race weekend. Read on to play this Punt.

Wednesday, 30 March 2022

Standings after the Saudi Arabia grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Bahrain grand prix.

Team Name are the new leaders. with a massive score flattered by the fact they blew all of their Boost Buttons at once. Expect a similar spike at the next race, then a slow erosion of their lead as everyone else Boosts back up towards them. The biggest climber was Work Shop Boys. Cruther’s Junior and less well funded team B tumble an impressive 21 places to last place.

Nicholas Latifi is the new worst driver, while the non-racing Schumacher and Tsunoda storm up that loserboard. Williams are now easily the worst constructor, with only Ferrari and Mercedes yet to score any points whatsoever. Use this information to inform your next Ejector Seat change.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Saudi Arabia grand prix 2022

Clearing-up trucks pretending to be Williams and Haas

BIGGEST LOSERS IN SAUDI ARABIA

  • Team Name built a reputation for bold moves in last year's Losers League. They've done it again, pressing all of their season's Boost Buttons at once. It contributed to a humongous race score of 371, but was it worth it? Read on.
  • A healthy Track Points score doubled with a Boost Button gave Steady Jordan 2nd place in Saudi with 141 points.
  • Cruther’s Car Co. doubled their way to 102 and 3rd place.
  • In 4th were Cockpit Misfits, whose score of 101 was achieved with a Boost Button, and a clever Fast Forecast prediction for rookie Zhou Guanyu. 
  • Pierre Ghastly were another Booster, their 98 points bringing them 5th place.
  • And What Verstappened led the Ejector Seat charge, with the best Track Points result of any team in Saudi Arabia.

This is the commentary page for the Saudi Arabia grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Saudi Arabia grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Saudi Arabian grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Saudi Arabia grand prix 2022

People arguing about the colour of the explosion outside the Saudi circuit

This race was a high scorer: almost as high as the track walls the F1 drivers can't see around. Cars earned 242 Track Points in total, compared to a meagre 176 in Bahrain.

Yuki Tsunoda barely got to drive his terrible AlphaTauri. Mick Schumacher reduced his car to tindersticks. Nicholas Latifi tried to replicate Abu Dhabi 2021 by having a conversation with a wall. And all along, we tried to ignore the fact the Saudi Arabia grand prix takes place in a war zone. The coverage of the practice session featured a literal missile attack. We presume all those "no war" t-shirts are now in being used as rags in the team garages. Jeez.

Mick Schumacher was indeed the highest scorer, his terrifying crash reminding us how nasty this high-speed circuit can be. We love failure at the Losers League, but we really want our drivers to be safe. Thankfully, he was fine. Meanwhile, Williams are proving to be the Losers League's new favourite team, scoring a double retirement.

And spare a thought for Zhou Guanyu, who is now the first Chinese driver in history to score an F1 Losers League Track Point. We'll be in contact with Xi Jinping about organising a national holiday. We're thinking a parade: bunting, floats, coconut shy, that sort of thing. Lots of dragons dressed as F1 drivers. Uncle Geoff slumped in the corner, drunk on saké. It's going to be lovely.

Er... Where were we? Oh yes. Read on for all the Track Points in Saudi Arabia.

Thursday, 24 March 2022

Pitlane Punt: The Wildlife Wager

The Wildlife Wager

Everyone loves a fluffy thing, and we don't mean Lewis Hamilton's questionable taste in jumpers. 

Will the most technologically advanced spot be disrupted by be upstaged by a stray kitten or a randy wallaby?

Bet on an animal making an unexpected appearance at any of the next six grand prix weekends. Read on to play this Punt.

Pitlane Punt: The Williams You Are Really Nothing Punt

Pitlane Punt: The Williams You Are Really Nothing Punt

It has become painfully clear that the Williams cars are seriously struggling for pace.

But will they continue to produce terrible results?

Bet that either Williams car will finish in the bottom two at the next race. Read on to play this Punt.

Pitlane Punt: The Top of the Crop Stop Punt

Pitlane Punt: The Top of the Crop Stop Punt

We were all shocked when Red Bull suffered a disastrous double retirement at the opening grand prix of the season.

Which raises a question about the reliability of the top F1 teams...

Bet that any of the big three teams will retire a car at the next race. Read on to play this Punt.

Tuesday, 22 March 2022

Standings after the Bahrain grand prix 2022

Here are the latest standings following the 2022 Bahrain grand prix.

パンダポップ take an early lead of the 2022 F1 Losers League. They should feel proud of that, and nothing should take away that joy of being biggest loser. Having said that, The Pit Lockers (back this year as Alpine Fresh) topped the points in race one last year and ended the season in a lowly 17th place. In summary, what's the point of doing anything: hopes and dreams are there to be stamped on.

Red Bull snatch an unexpected lead in the constructors' standings, while Vettel and Gasly are battling it out for top losing driver. Half of the drivers and almost half of the constructors haven't scored a single Track Point yet, which, quite frankly, fills us with disgust. Do these people not know how to lose?!

Read on for the full Standings.


Losers team commentary: Bahrain grand prix 2022

Verstappen and Leclerc racing side-by-side, Verstappen saying "YOU CARRY ON, MATE. I’VE GOT TRACK POINTS TO EARN"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN BAHRAIN

  • Bahrain's top loser is パンダポップ. Yes, that's their name. Netting 90 points overall, they earned double-figure Track Points each from Vettel, Verstappen and AlphaTauri, while they made a couple of very well-predicted Fast Forecasts.
  • In a distant 2nd place is Your Answer, the new team created by last year's League runners-up Team Name. They scored 59, mostly from healthy Track Points and some Fast Forecasting.
  • Steady Jordan took a big risk playing a Boost Button so early on, but it worked out smashing for them. 3rd place and 55 points in Bahrain.
  • Nikita Putin, set up by last year's podium sitters LockedDownLosers, threw a bunch of Fast Forecasts at the wall, but their strength was in a decent number of Track Points. 4th place and 54 points
  • With 50 points, placing 5th at the Bahrain grand prix, is Nikita Putin's sister team Vladimir Mazepin. Oligarchs ahoy!
  • And rounding up this top six is Cockpit Misfits, a total newcomer to the F1 Losers League who scored 45 points. Welcome!

This is the commentary page for the Bahrain grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.


Losers team data: Bahrain grand prix 2022

This is the complete Losers team data page for the Bahrain grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Bahrain grand prix 2022

Vettel holding up a comically large lat flow strip, saying "DAMMIT

What comes to mind when you think of the opening race of the 2022 F1 season? The Red Bulls shuddering to a stop? Pierre Ghastly jumping out of his fireball car? The sleek new cars under the shining lights?

If any of that came to mind, your brain's an idiot. Sebastian Vettel is who you should be thinking about. The man's POORLY, for goodness sake. He picks up 10 beige flag Track Points for being ill (see our full points roundup below). Even worse, F1's super-sub Nico Hulkenberg took Seb's place in Bahrain and the Hulk ended up dead last. That's a whole bunch of extra Track Points he earned for Vettel. So, even though he wasn't even there, sickly Sebastian Vettel tops the Track Points at the Bahrain grand prix. Gasly and Riccardo are close behind thanks to, respectively, their spectacular blow-up and unspectacular slow-down.

Top of the Track Points for constructors are Red Bull, who ended the race in a flurry of technical fails. Something about fuel pumps. We never expected the Bulls to be leading the constructors standings so early on. Four other constructors scored double Track Points in this race – astonishingly for those who followed the Losers League in 2021, one of those was *not* Haas. We truly are in a new era.

Read on for all the Track Points in Bahrain.

Friday, 4 March 2022

Enter the 2022 F1 Losers League: deadline is lights-out in Bahrain on 20 March

F1 Losers League - enter now

Entries are open for the 2022 F1 Losers League.

This is a low-tech fantasy league in which you run the worst possible Formula One team. You get points for backmarkers and blunders and retirement and regret.

All you need to do is pick:

then give your Losers Team a name – and you're good to go! The entry form is here.

At every F1 race, your terrible choices will earn your team Track Points. Watch out for cars that retire or finish way down the order: these will earn the most points. Go to this page to see exactly how Track Points will be awarded.

It's easy to get your picks wrong early in the season, especially with all the new rule changes. Fear not! You can make changes to your team choices using Ejector Seats. In fact, we strongly fine-tuning your team throughout the season using Ejector Seats..

You can attempt to add to your Track Points by:

Sometimes these don't pay off. Often, they do.

It's your choice as to whether you run a high risk team strategy, throwing everything at the wall, or play it cautiously with low-stake Punts. Last year HAASN'T A CHANCE won the League with their choices Latifi, Raikkonen, Tsunoda and Haas. They were one of our most active teams, but they were fairly cautious on strategy until a bold last-minute Pitlane Punt edged them to victory. It was glorious to watch!

Entry to the F1 Losers League is free, and the deadline is lights-out at the opening Bahrain grand prix on March 20th. We have limited entries, so get your team entered now – you can change it as much as you want before the season starts without losing any Ejector Seats. Enter now!

Let's go racing... slowly.


Last year's top ten Losers Teams: 1st HAASN'T A CHANCE, 2nd Team Name, 3rd LockedDownLosers, 4th Pierre Ghastly, 5th VroomDoom, 6th Panda Pops, 7th NEEEOOOOWWWW, 8th Gunther's Gonna Get Ya, 9th Tardi Minardi, 10th Haas Beens.

Last year's worst drivers: 1st Nikita Mazepin, 2nd Mick Schumacher, 3rd Yuki Tsunoda, 4th Nicholas Latifi , =5th George Russell (!), =5th Kimi Raikkonen.

Last year's worst constructors: 1st Haas, 2nd Williams, 3rd Alfa Romeo.