Wednesday, 14 September 2022

Standings after the Monza grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Monza grand prix.

Vlad Maz, as they're known to their mates, keep a decent lead in the F1 Losers League. However, Strolling the ranks reach 2nd place for the first time, Tardi Minardi and Hot Hot Hovercraft shoot up the standings, while Spoiler Alert reach their highest position so far this year. There's hope for everyone.

After sixteen races, Haas and Williams find themselves on 226 points each. They're connected like a double yolker, with an equal amount of egg on their face.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Monza grand prix 2022

An Aston Martin engineer spraying smoke at someone, saying "Here, have some points, loser"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN MONZA

  • 1st  |  Tardi Minardi  |  111
  • 2nd  |  Strolling the ranks  |  103
  • 3rd  |  パンダポップ  |  100
  • 3rd  |  What Verstappened  |  100
  • 5th  |  Group Team Name  |  97
  • 6th  |  Steady Jordan  |  96
Read on for the commentary page for the Monza grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Monza grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Monza grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes.

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Monza grand prix 2022

Jets doing a fly-by, with one saying "Faster! We're catching the safety car!"

The F1 Losers League would like to congratulate the safety car for winning the 2022 Italian grand prix in Monza. Its strategy was genius: pop out towards the end of the race, and make everyone stay behind until the finish line. Ferrari could learn a thing or two.

At the other end of the field, the Track Points in Monza were loaded towards Sebastian Vettel and Aston Martin. A double retirement for the green team. Seb was left to rue a wasted weekend at the very circuit at which he claimed his first ever F1 win. He called the Aston Martin car the "slowest of all".

Which is wrong. Because the safety car is an Aston Martin too. And that was the fastest car of all because it won the race. Silly Sebastian.

Read on for all the Track Points in Monza.

The Suzuka Bazooka

The Suzuka Bazooka: play this Pitlane Punt now

Japanese racing driver Yuki Tsunoda was disappointed when his home grand prix was cancelled in 2021 due to the pandemic. At last, in 2022, he gets to be an F1 star in front of his home crowd at Suzuka!

What could possibly go wrong.

Bet that Tsunoda won't finish the 2022 Japanese grand prix. Read on to play this Punt.

Wednesday, 7 September 2022

Standings after the Dutch grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Dutch grand prix.

Vladimir Mazepin and their sister team Nikita Putin maintain their stronghold at the top of the F1 Losers League. What Verstappened reach a new high of 4th place. Further down, Camber Gamblers achieve a season best of 14th.

There's not much change in the driver standings, with Bottas, Sainz and Norris making gains further down that loserboard. Meanwhile, in the constructor standings, it's all-out war between Haas and Williams, with number one spot changing yet again.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Dutch grand prix 2022

Pigeons peck grass just over the racing line, with the alarming message LAP TIMES DELETED

BIGGEST LOSERS IN THE NETHERLANDS

  • 1st  |  Hot Hot Hovercraft  |  122
  • 2nd  |  Mancunian Badboy Racing  |  117
  • 3rd  |  Steady Jordan  |  107
  • 4th  |  Camber Gamblers  |  98
  • 5th  |  Nikita Putin  |  94
  • 6th  |  What Verstappened  |  91
Read on for the commentary page for the Dutch grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Dutch grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Dutch grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes.

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Dutch grand prix 2022

Mechanics adjust Yuki Tsunoda's seatbelt, with Yuki saying "LEFT A BIT, RIGHT A BIT,  OH YEAH, THAT’S THE SPOT"

This race report is written by Yuki Tsunoda.

The Dutch grand prix was a fun weekend and I was delighted to come away with the most points. It was a shame about people throwing flares on the track. Wait. No, not flares, Dolphins. Handbags? What were they throwing on the track, again? Let me just loosen my seatbelt so I can think straight. I'm so confused. I'd best stop writing before I get anything else wrong. No, wait. My team tells me everything's fine. I'm continuing to write. Let's carry on. Thanks to Valtteri Bottas's retirement, Alfa Romeo top the constructors points alongside my own team AlphaTauri. How delightful. Oh no. This keyboard feels loose. Something's broken. I'm stopping writing after all. Am I, though? Dolphins? Seatbelts? Pigeons? Handbags?! I'm so confused.

Read on for all the Track Points in the Netherlands.

Tuesday, 6 September 2022

Credit where it's due: here comes Losers Loan Sunday

Losers Loan Sunday

We're delighted to announce that 18th September 2022 is Losers Loan Sunday.

We all need help at the moment. Bills are mounting and there's bad news at every corner. Even Liz Truss seems really worried about fish markets.

On Losers Loan Sunday, every team in the League will receive 13 points credit. These 13 points are to be "spent" before the end of this month.

With the 13 points, you can:

  • Put it towards Pitlane Punt stakes, so if you fail, credit points will go towards paying your stake.

  • Put it towards Fast Forecasts, so if you fail, credit points will go towards paying your 5-point loss.

  • Buy a one-race micro-Boost (worth an extra one-fifth of your Track Points) for 8 credit points.

  • Buy an extra Ejector Seat for 13 points, to be deployed immediately.

You can use your credit across one or some of the above – but you only have 13 points to spend.

For example:

  • You use your credit towards a gamble on the Top of the Crop Stop Punt. But oh no, the Punt fails. You would normally lose an 8 point stake. But you used your credit, so you lose nothing. 8 points of your credit are used up. Your credit is now down to 5 points.

  • You then use your credit towards a Fast Forecast, predicting Verstappen will qualify 16th. You are an idiot and lose 5 points. Except you don't. Your remaining 5 point credit covers your loss. Your credit is now down to zero. Losers loan complete!

You have to specifically request your credit when taking out a team action. If you don't request a credit, it won't apply. The process for doing this is as follows:

  • If you want to put your credit towards a Punt or Forecast, when you write your team name on the submission form, write the word CREDIT afterwards. Like this: "Steady Jordan CREDIT".

  • If you want to buy an extra Ejector Seat for all 13 credit points, submit an Ejector Seat change as normal. As above, when you write your team name on the submission form, write the word CREDIT afterwards. Like this: "Steady Jordan CREDIT".

  • If you want to buy a one-race micro Boost for 8 points, use the special form at the bottom of this page. The form will appear on September 18th.

You can also email and message requests to the usual email address and Twitter account.

You can only enact credits between 18th and 30th September inclusive. Any requests before then will be ignored.

We'll use up your credit requests in strict chronological order of submission. If you use up your 13 credit points – which you may not discover until we publish race results – any later credit requests will fail and you'll lose your usual points as normal. You might as well request a lot as you don't know what will succeed and what will fail!

The 13-point credit is temporary. Ephemeral. Like Daniel Ricciardo's reputation. If you don't use your credit before the end of the month, it disappears.

We already feel better about the fish markets!

THE EJECTOR FORM

Monday, 5 September 2022

The Best Laid El-Plans Punt

Pitlane Punt: play the Best Laid El-Plans Punt

Alpine's dominance over McLaren seems assured, with Alonso's brilliant performances overshadowing Daniel Ricciardo's continuing struggles.

But any Alpine region has valleys as well as peaks.

At the next race in the season, bet that one of the Alpine cars will have a worse race result than both McLarens. Read on to play this Punt.

Sunday, 4 September 2022

The Bernie Earner

Pitlane Punt: Play the Bernie Earner

Former F1 boss Bernie Ecclestone has had a tumultuous year. He got in hot water for comments about Putin and racism, and he's currently being dragged through the courts.

Will the famously outspoken character clean up his act? Probably not.

Predict that Bernie Ecclestone will be the subject of a new scandal any time in the next month. Read on to play this Punt.

Wednesday, 31 August 2022

Standings after the Belgian grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Belgian grand prix.

What Verstappened continue to charge up the Losers League, as do their sister team Strolling the ranks. Both teams are at the highest point they have been all season. Mancunian Badboy Racing jump up three places and may find themselves back in the top ten. And look how tight it is between 2nd and 3rd. We now have four teams that have passed the 1000-point barrier.

Valtteri Bottas is the highest rising driver, and McLaren is the highest rising constructor. Williams and Haas are still locked to within one point at the top of their loserboard.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Belgian grand prix 2022

Hamilton's car flying into the air, with Hamilton saying "GUYS, WE REALLY NEED TO SORT THIS PORPOISING"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN BELGIUM

  • What Verstappened took a strong 1st place at Spa with 165 points. An incredible clutch of Pitlane Punt wins (see below) was backed up by, well, throwing everything else at the wall too. Good Track Points at the heart of it all.
  • In 2nd place are Mancunian Badboy Racing, whose 127 points is largely attributable to a double Boost Button, but there was Punt success in there too.
  • What Verstappened's sister team Strolling the ranks find themselves in 3rd place with 120 points. Similar story to their partner outfit: punts, punts, punts.
  • In 4th place are League leaders Vladimir Mazepin. Their 108 points come from good Punting, if slightly let down by a poor Boost performance.
  • Same for Nikita Putin, Vlad's sister team, who take 106 points and 5th position in Belgium.
  • The double-boosted Double Daley just scraped 6th place, mainly thanks to a spot of Punt perfection.
This is the commentary page for the Belgian grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Belgian grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Belgian grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes.

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Belgian grand prix 2022

Ricciardo looking surprised, saying "a beige WHAT?"

So many teams started in the pitlane at the Belgian grand prix, we were thinking of setting up offices there. There were four beige flags given out in this race, which is a lovely way to return from the summer break.

Daniel Ricciardo was the race's biggest losing driver, partly because his career is imploding, and also because he tanked in the race itself. Schumacher took second place – there's a new Pitlane Punt about him here. Weird to see Hamilton so high in the driver points, but we guess he's having his own career trouble at the moment. What was it Alonso said about him in the race? That he only knows how to drive when in first place? The League appreciates this new phase in Lewis's career.

Alfa Romeo and Mercedes lead the way in the constructors at Spa. They were the only two teams to have retirements in this race, with Romeo scoring retirement Track Points for a third race in a row. Oh and we can finally award those Piastri beige flag points to Alpine.

From next week's Netherlands grand prix, the raceday special Track Points element pivots once again. It will no longer be about teammate gaps. In September, these points will be given to the car that gets the biggest FIA penalty in a race weekend . Chosen at our discretion. Learn about Track Points here.

Read on for all the Track Points in Belgium.

The Schu Shoo Punt

The Schu Shoo: Play this Pitlane Punt

Mick Schumacher is battling to keep his seat at Haas^. We wouldn't normally do a second punt about one driver, but this feels like a big moment.

Has Mick's many crashes put a dent in his career? Will he be saved by another team?

Bet that any time in the next three weeks that Schumacher will lose his 2023 Haas drive. Read on to play this Punt.

Wednesday, 3 August 2022

Standings after the Hungarian grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Hungarian grand prix.

While there's not much change at the top, What Verstappened reach a new high of 8th in the League. The biggest climbers are sister teams Alfa Daley and Double Daley.

We have a new worst constructor. Williams return to the top of the constructors' loserboard, just one point ahead of Haas. Bottas and Perez take several steps up the drivers' rankings.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Hungarian grand prix 2022

Sebastian Vettel saying "hey guys, I'm driving for Alpine next year"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN HUNGARY

  • In 1st place at the Hungarian grand prix is Vladimir Mazepin with 142 points. They were the best Booster of the race, despite it being an automatic action. Lucky Vlad. Three Pitlane Punt wins certainly helped too.
  • What Verstappened take 2nd place with 138 points. Great Track Points, two perfect Forecasts and Punt wins to boot.
  • Vladimir Mazepin's sister team Nikita Putin comes 3rd with 110 points. Talk about a dominating performance in the League standings.
  • What Verstappened's sister outfit Strolling the ranks got 107 points and claim 4th place in Hungary. Loads of Forecast and Punt points.
  • In 5th position are Alfa Daley with 104, slightly flattered by pressing two Boost Buttons.
  • Nailing their Fast Forecasts were Scrapyard 17, whose 99 points give them 6th place.
This is the commentary page for the Hungarian grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Hungarian grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Hungarian grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes.

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Hungarian grand prix 2022

Valtteri Bottas shooting a water pistol, saying "it's an alien ray gun, no more sausage legs for me"

A year on from his bowling ball destruction, Valtteri Bottas was the only retirement at this year's Hungarian grand prix. The reasons for his exit this time were far less dramatic. A problem with his fuel system. That's rubbish. He could at least have been kidnapped by aliens and returned to his cockpit with sausages for legs or something. He takes the spoils in Hungary alongside Ricciardo, who had a rotten race and therefore scooped the earliest exit and raceday special Track Points.

Williams and Alfa Romeo were the highest scoring constructors. But never mind that. Vettel! He's going! Sebastian Vettel has had an illustrious career. He came 7th in the drivers' standings in the 2021 F1 Losers League, and is currently 4th in the 2022 rankings. He's done other stuff in F1 too, can't remember. We salute you, Inspector Seb.

Read on for all the Track Points in Hungary.

Wednesday, 27 July 2022

Standings after the French grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 French grand prix.

Vladimir Mazepin keep the lead of the League, with their sister team Nikita Putin now joining them in second place. The Russians are ruling the show! Scrapyard 17 and Strolling the ranks reach new heights on our loserboard, and the highest climber is Work Shop Boys.

The biggest climbing driver is Tsunoda, although Latifi remains king of the crumbling castle. not much change in the constructors' rankings, with Haas consolidating their lead.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: French grand prix 2022

Yuki Tsunoda speaking into a microphone while saying "I did it for the Losers League"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN FRANCE

  • Taking 1st place in France is Scrapyard 17 with 190 points. They ticked all the boxes. Two boosts, big Track Points, decent Forecasting and Pitlane Punt reasonableness. Slam flipping dunk.
  • Strolling the ranks had a staggeringly good Track Points result, with two Punt wins and a Boost bringing them to 2nd place and 160 points.
  • In 3rd place with 146 points are Tardi Minardi, helped by an extra Boost Button.
  • Scrapyard 17's sister team Work Shop Boys help themselves to 4th place and 130 points. They Fast Forecasted with flying colours.
  • A good (and Boosted) Track Points score gave The Blue Flag Boys 106 points and 5th place in France.
  • And the final team scoring triple figures are Tardi Minardi's sister team Steady Jordan. 103 points gets them 6th place in this race.
This is the commentary page for the French grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: French grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the French grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: French grand prix 2022

 Leclerc's Ferrari in the barriers, long skid marks trailing, with a satnav saying "after 200 yards, turn right"

All eyes were on Leclerc driving his championship hopes into the Paul Ricard barriers. "First retirement!" we whooped. "Biggest loser of the race!" we salivated. But no. Missed by the cameras, Yuki Tsunoda quietly retired his damaged car following an earlier clash with Ocon. That and a beige flag makes Yuki our finest failure in France by some margin.

Haas's trip to France was a stinker. A pitlane start, bad tyre degradation, a poorly timed pit stop, Mick Schumacher hitting Zhou, and a race-ending clash with Latifi for Kevin Magnussen. "We struggled a little bit," said Mick after the race. And then some. The biggest losing constructor of France 2022.

Read on for all the Track Points in France.

Thursday, 21 July 2022

The Oh No Ocon Punt (closed)

Oh No Ocon: play this Pitlane Punt

Esteban Ocon is the lowest scoring driver in the F1 Losers League so far. So let's give him his own Pitlane Punt.

Here's the situation. Esteban hasn't returned any of our letters, despite us writing them in lovely green crayon, and sending them by carrier rat. "Do worse!" we plead. "Slow down!" we beg. The question is: will he listen to us?

Ocon is currently 8th in the FIA world championship standings^. Bet that he will be 9th or lower by the time we get to the summer break.

Read on to play this Punt.

Thursday, 14 July 2022

The Flexi Floor Flutter (closed)

Play the Flexi Floor Flutter now

This punt is now closed to new submissions.

There has been a lot of debate about "flexi floors", a mysterious aerodynamic trick that the FIA wants to crack down on as we go into the summer break. See the video at the bottom of this page.

Mercedes have struggled this year, but they reckon this will "level the playing field". Meanwhile, people are accusing Red Bull of using flexi-floors a bit too much. What will happen once the FIA get involved?

For the first races after the summer break, bet that either (a) Mercedes' race results will drop off or (b) Red Bull's race results will drop off. Read on to play this Punt.

Wednesday, 13 July 2022

Losers team data: Austrian grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Austrian grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Standings after the Austrian grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Austrian grand prix.

パンダポップ (it's Japanese for Panda Pops) leaps up to second place on the loserboard, slightly reducing Vladimir Mazepin's lead. Tardi Minardi are the highest risers, shuffling up seven places, while Strolling the ranks achieve their season best of 7th place. 

As far as the driver rankings go, Seb Vettel moves up three places to 2nd place. Perez also moves up three places, but he's much further down the standings. Williams cut Haas's lead in the constructor's listings to two points. And how on earth have Red Bull moved up to 4th? Yikes.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Austrian grand prix 2022

The Red Bull Ring bull statue amid a crowd of spectators, aying "‘SCUSE ME MATE, IS THIS THE WAY TO THE TOILETS?"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN AUSTRIA

  • Taking 1st place and top dog in Austria is パンダポップ. However, their 130 points tell a different story. With four Boost Buttons active, they really should have scored a lot more. Instead, they boosted weakly on one of the fewest Track Points of the race.
  • Strolling the ranks put in a good all-round performance. Okay Track Points with decent enough Forecasts and Punts added up to a mighty 2nd place and 95 points.
  • Steady Jordan boosted brilliantly to claim 3rd place and 90 nice points.
  • Scrapyard 17 were another terrible booster, but they still got stuck in and elevated their score to 87 points and 4th position in Austria.
  • A couple of good Punt wins ensured 5th place and 83 points for What Verstappened.
  • And with 76 points and 6h place, Cockpit Misfits bring this rollcall to an end. Note: no sign of any of our top four teams in this list.
This is the commentary page for the Austrian grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Austrian grand prix 2022

Sainz looking down on the ground, saying "I’M SURE I LEFT MY TRACK POINTS HERE SOMEWHERE"

The Austrian grand prix delivered high drama at all ends of the field, not just-- oh hold on, we went over track limits. Let's start again.

With retirements from Perez and Sainz, Austria delivered yet another unpredictable F1 Losers result. Always bad news for our Losers teams. And how about Schumacher finishing in the top ten for a second ti-- sorry, we went over track limits. Let's begin over.

The race in Austria was a high scorer for drivers and constructors. The second highest of the season, in fact. This is mainly because of biggest drop Track Points being shared across five cars, and a whole load of beige flag points for driv-- dammit, over track limits again.

Read on for all the Track Points in Austria.

Wednesday, 6 July 2022

Standings after the British grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 British grand prix.

Vladimir Mazepin remains in first place in the F1 Losers League.  Below them, Cruther's Car Co. rise an impressive nine places on the loserboard, while パンダポップ move up six places, sneaking back into that all-important top five. 

Pierre Gasly and George Russell are the biggest risers in the driver rankings, while Alfa Romeo's double retirement shoots them up four places on the constructors' table. Latifi and Haas remain in solid first places.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: British grand prix 2022

George Russell running off track, saying "just nipping off to get some track points, BRB"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN BRITAIN

  • 1st place in Britain goes to パンダポップ, who pressed four Boost Buttons - and in all fairness, they did alright with Forecasts and Punts too. 193 points to them.
  • What Verstappened pulled off the seemingly impossible feat of perfectly predicting three Fast Forecasts, giving them 2nd place and 114 in Silverstone.
  • Steady Jordan benefitted from George Russell's curtailed race, plus some good Track Pointing. A total of 106 and 3rd place.
  • Vladimir Mazepin won four Pitlane Punts, which is just ridiculous. They chalk up 5th place in Britain, with their 103 points making them the fourth team to get a 100+ score in Britain.
  • Great Track Points, great Boosting. Cruther’s Car Co.'s 97 points gets them 5th place.
  • In 6th position with 92 points at the British grand prix are My heart will Grosjean, whose Gloomy Schumi loss did little to dent a well-timed Boost.
This is the commentary page for the British grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: British grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the British grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: British grand prix 2022

Tom Cruise thanking a pitlane mechanic, saying "THANKS FOR EXPLAINING THE RACEDAY SPECIAL, SURE APPRECIATE IT"

The British grand prix was almost immediately red flagged when Alex Albon, George Russell and Zhou Guanyu's races were cut short, the latter skimming upside-down over the tyre barrier. We can only imagine Tom Cruise watching from the VIP area getting ideas for his next blockbuster stunt. The unfortunate trio all share earliest exit Track Points and the accolade of biggest losers in Silverstone.

Our raceday special Track Points pivot every two months. In May and June, the points went to the car with the longest pitstop. For July and August, they're awarded to the car that finishes the most number of places behind a teammate. Step forward, Daniel Ricciardo and McLaren.

For the constructors, Alfa Romeo had a double retirement and score by far their highest Track Points of the season. Zhou had that dramatic off at the start, while Bottas's gearbox let go later in the race. They weren't the highest-scoring constructor, though. Williams take that honour thanks to some beige flag-worthy news we've only just discovered. No loserdom remains hidden here at the F1 Losers League.

Read on for all the Track Points in Britain.

Wednesday, 22 June 2022

Standings after the Canadian grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Canadian grand prix.

We have a new leader of the F1 Losers League. Vladimir Mazepin finally overturns Team Name's seven-race-long lead of the championship, and sees their sister team Nikita Putin creeping into third for that extra level of threat. Strolling the ranks and Work Shop Boys reach new highs in the standings, the latter shooting up nine places.

Latifi and Haas retain their lead of their respective loserboards, with the highest risers being Lando Norris and, thanks to beige flag Track Points, Lewis Hamilton.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Canadian grand prix 2022

Mick Schumacher poring over paperwork with his engineers, saying "Work Shop Boys? This is like Kraftwerk, yes?"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN CANADA

  • 1st Work Shop Boys 101  |  Good punting and the best Booster of the race, barely diminished by a minor Forecast loss
  • 2nd Strolling the ranks 98  |  A double Pitlane Punt success underpinned their marvellous Montreal
  • 3rd Nikita Putin 83  |  Didn't particularly excel with Track Points, but got a let-up from some plucky punting
  • 4th Vladimir Mazepin 76  |  Along with their sister team in 3rd place, VladMaz were one of only two teams that won three Pitlane Punts in Canada
  • 5th Pierre Ghastly 74  |  Helped by punting on Williams' poor performance
  • 6th Double Daley 69  |  The best Track Points of the race
This is the commentary page for the Canadian grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Canadian grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Canadian grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Canadian grand prix 2022

Sergio Perez lost in some bushes, saying "I'm sure I parked it here somewhere"

Sergio Perez conked out pretty quickly during F1's return to Canada. To add insult to injury, he was made to walk back to the pits along some kind of shrub-strewn gully, like he was foraging for twigs or something. His earliest exit ensures he is the top-scoring driver alongside homeboy Nicholas Latifi, whose career path looks bumpier than Hamilton's shuddering helmet.

Haas were by far the worst constructor in Canada. It was if they were playing a game of pontoon and they dealt the perfect 21: a picture card – last place – and an Ace – retirement. That last place ensures Magnussen / Haas earns the biggest drop Track Points. 

Meanwhile, McLaren made a dogs dinner of a double-stacked pitstop, ensuring Norris / McLaren scooped the raceday special Track Points for spending over 43 seconds in the pitlane. This is the last time the raceday special is earned for pit time: for July and August, it pivots to the race-finishing car that finishes the most number of places behind their teammate.

Read on for all the Track Points in Canada. 

Wednesday, 15 June 2022

Standings after the Azerbaijan grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Azerbaijan grand prix.

Team Name retain their lead of the Losers League, although they're looking super vulnerable. Although the top three haven't changed, we can feel something tipping in this loserboard. Mancunian Badboy Racing, It's a Trap Lando, Group Team Name, Camber Gamblers and Spoiler Alert have all reached new high points in the table, with It's a Trap Lando rocketing up a massive 12 places. Be worried, teams, be very worried.

Magnussen is now the second worst driver, and Haas takes a comfortable lead at the top of the constructor rankings.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Azerbaijan grand prix 2022

A troubled Carlos Sainz saying "I did it for the Losers League"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN AZERBAIJAN

  • After coming 3rd in Monaco, It's a Trap Lando get 1st place in Azerbaijan with 97 points. Top Track Points and the best Booster.
  • Mancunian Badboy Racing's second double-Boost earns them a second 2nd place in a row, on 96 points. Wow, that was confusing to write.
  • パンダポップ enjoyed their best score of the year. Their 92 points, gained from good Track Points, good Boosting and a Punt win, gets them 3rd place.
  • Their sister team Panda Pops are just behind, clocking up 4th place with 90 points. Same reasons as パンダポップ. Definitely a joint strategy going on.
  • Yet another Boosted team. This time it's Spoiler Alert, who get 78 and 5th place in Azerbaijan.
  • Joining this top scoring, er, group, is Group Team Name. 6th place and 76 points. Fun fact: they're nothing to do with Team Name. We think they're just goading them.
No teams really gained from Ferrari woes because Ferrari aren't on anyone's Losers team. Dammit.

This is the commentary page for the Azerbaijan grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Azerbaijan grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Azerbaijan grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Azerbaijan grand prix 2022

A pit crew wrapping a rear wing in tape, saying "keep wrapping!" and "Yuki's going to love this birthday present"

When Carlos Sainz's car trundled to a halt in the Azerbaijan grand prix, it could be attributed to Carlos's trademark lack of luck. When his teammate Charles Leclerc's car pulled over, it detonated a huge hole in the F1 championship. More importantly, it easily gave us the biggest losers of the race. Big fail for Ferrari.

The five retirements included Lance Stroll quietly quitting with "unusual oscillations". And Yuki Tsunoda's broken rear wing needed so much gaffer tape, it gave him the Biggest Drop and Raceday Special points.

Read on for all the Track Points in Azerbaijan. 

Wednesday, 1 June 2022

Standings after the Monaco grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Monaco grand prix.

Team Name's lead at the top of the loserboard is reducing. My heart will Grosjean move up to a season-best of third place behind Vladimir Mazepin. Big climbs from Work Shop Boys and Mancunian Badboy Racing, and some alarming tumbles for others.

In the driver rankings, Magnussen moves closer to that top three of Latifi, Vettel and Schumacher. Haas take over as the highest-scoring losing constructor in F1, joining Williams as the first triple-digit scorer on their loserboard.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Monaco grand prix 2022

Perez surrounded by feathers, saying "my flutter won me 20 points"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN MONACO

  • In 1st place for Monaco are Work Shop Boys, whose Fast Forecast predictions suddenly came good, whose scores were bolstered by a splattered pigeon, and who brought Haas into their team with perfect timing. 111 points to them.
  • Mancunian Badboy Racing find themselves in 2nd with 108 points, largely due to running two Boost Buttons in Monaco. 
  • It's a Trap Lando lapped up the Track Points at this race, placing them in 3rd with 105 points. They were forced into an automatic Boost, which earned them a impressive haul of 55 extra points.
  • My heart will Grosjean also had really good Track Points accompanied by a Boost Button. A perfect combination. 96 points and 4th place.
  • Camber Gamblers also enjoyed a decent Boost Button result, even if it was foisted upon them through our automatic Boost system. Their 92 points gets them 5th position in Monaco.
  • And Group Team Name scored 92 points, which was good enough for 6th place. A beneficiary of the bird-shredding Wildlife Wager success. Poor pigeon.
This is the commentary page for the Monaco grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Monaco grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Monaco grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Monaco grand prix 2022

Guenther Steiner saying "effing Losers League"

Sorry, what? Are we in 2021? A race endlessly delayed by rain? Haas topping the Losers points, followed by Williams? Ricciardo disappointing? Red Bull the subject of petty protests? If Monaco does disappear, we'll perhaps remember it as a never-ending Groundhog Day loop of modern F1 tropes.

It was a rotten race for Haas. Both cars out of the race, and Schumacher's car snapping in half in another costly crash. The 30 Track Points earned in Monaco is the biggest score for any single race in 2022, assisted by a long pit stop for Schuey and an early bath for Mags.

A public apology. The F1 Losers Electrics And Loose Wires Department has been disbanded following the Monaco grand prix. We thought we could fix the start lights with gaffer tape and chewing gum. Apparently they should have employed a "proper" electrician with "qualifications" with hands that don't have "the shakes". We tried. At least we didn't delay things--- oh. Oh dear. Oops.

Read on for all the Track Points in Monaco.

Thursday, 26 May 2022

The Badger Dispatcher Punt (closed)

The Badger Dispatcher: Play this Pitlane Punt now

Daniel Ricciardo struggled in 2021. Daniel Ricciardo is struggling in 2022. The team is clearly disappointed in his performance.

Is the end of the line for the so-called "honey badger"?

Bet that any time in the next three months, Ricciardo will lose his 2023 McLaren seat. Read on to play this Punt.

The Gloomy Schumi Punt [closed]

The Gloomy Schumi: play this Pitlane Punt now

Mick Schumacher is having a torrid time in F1, with his team boss saying a queue of people want his seat. Meanwhile, his cheery teammate Kevin Magnussen has racked up points.

Will Mick continue to have a miserable year compared to merry Magnussen?

Bet that Schumacher will score zero championship points in the next two (or four) races. Read on to play this Punt.

Wednesday, 25 May 2022

Standings after the Spanish grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Spanish grand prix.

Vladimir Mazepin storm into second place in the lead. Suddenly League leaders Team Name are looking vulnerable. Strolling the ranks are the biggest risers, moving up to 11th place – not bad for a team that were once 29th on this loserboard.

Nicholas Latifi retains the lead of the driver rankings. The biggest riser is Leclerc, although that move up the table probably won't last. Haas move up into second place behind Williams in the list of the worst constructors in Formula One.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Spanish grand prix 2022

 An ill Lando Norris, head in hands, saying "should have boosted, dammit"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN SPAIN

  • Great Track Points. Great Boosting, Great Pitlane Punting. Great Scott! Vladimir Mazepin was the biggest loser at the Spanish grand prix, taking 1st place with 109 points.
  • In 2nd place was Strolling the ranks, who beefed up a good 91 Track Points tally with a very well-timed Boost Button. 91 points to them.
  • Mazepin's sister team Nikita Putin find themselves in 3rd place with 88 points. Another sharp eye for Pitlane Punts, plus a reasonable-enough Boost Button.
  • My heart will Grosjean ran two Boost Buttons in Barcelona, and so appear in this list mainly thanks to a trebling of their Track Points. 84 points and 4th place. Which leads us to...
  • ...their sister team Pierre Ghastly, who got 78 points and 5th place. Both of these teams scored an okay number of Track Points. Not bad. Not brilliant.
  • In 6th place in Spain, with 53 points, were What Verstappened. Their slightly poor performance was flattered by a Pitlane Punt win.
  • Honourable mention: The highest-scoring Losers team that *didn't* run a Boost Button was Hot Hot Hovercraft, who ended up 7th place with 41 points.
This is the commentary page for the Spanish grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Spanish grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Spanish grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Spanish grand prix 2022

A forlorn Charles Leclerc looking at a pile of words saying "track points"

In the searing heat of Spain, the championship turned on its head. Hamilton and Magnussen took a trip into the gravel on lap one, Max battled with a dodgy rear wing that refused to give him DRS, and George Russell said "blimey" like a Beano character. 

More importantly, Charles Leclerc's car gave up on him, and he topped the driver Track Points at the Circuit de Catalunya. An unexpected name to see at the top of our results. The Ham / Mags clash pretty much defined the other big driver points, giving Magnussen the Biggest Drop and Hamilton the Raceday Special for the longest time spent in the pitlane during a pit stop.

Haas, Ferrari and Williams lead the Track Points for constructors. It's fascinating to see all three of those teams dropping off in performance in their own way. Perhaps Williams should be the most worried, as their Track Points all came from a stone-cold terrible race finish. Last and third-from-last. Blimey.

Read on for all the Track Points in Spain.

Wednesday, 11 May 2022

Standings after the Miami grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Miami grand prix.

Team Name and Your Answer remain at the top of the loserboard. But with all of their Boost Buttons now pressed and out of the way, how quickly will other teams catch up?  The biggest riser is Henry's Motors, while Vladimir Mazepin, Pierre Ghastly and Strolling the ranks all reach new highs in the Standings.

Nicholas Latifi regains the lead of the driver rankings, and look at Magnussen shooting up nine places to 5th. Williams are still the most losing team, and that battle for third-worst constructor behind Aston Martin is looking very tight. These new cars really can race closely behind each other!

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Miami grand prix 2022

Valtteri Bottas gesturing aimlessly, saying to his partner "IS THIS THE INVISIBLE FAKE MARINA? AM I CLOSE?"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN MIAMI

  • Your Answer topped the points at the Miami grand prix. 1st place with 152 points looks impressive. However, read on: their Boost Button usage was nothing less than an unmitigated disaster.
  • They boosted! They punted! They ejected! Their forecasted! Nikita Putin well and truly earned themselves 2nd place with 141 points.
  • Vladimir Mazepin nailed the Miami 5-0 Pitlane Punt. 3rd place and 140 points for them, just 1 point behind sister team Nikita Putin. Do we detect some jealousy brewing?
  • A solid performance underpinned by a good Track Points boost was the key to Pierre Ghastly's 128 points and 4th place in Miami.
  • Henry's Motors also did well with the Miami 5-0 Punt and a Boost Button. 5th place and 94 points, thank you very much.
  • And My heart will Grosjean rounds up our Miami top six with 77 lovely points.
This is the commentary page for the Miami grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Miami grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Miami grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Miami grand prix 2022

Mick Schumacher saying to Kevin Magnussen "I GOT 10 TRACK POINTS. HOW MANY DID YOU GET?" with Magnussen smiling

The Miami grand prix felt like a Formula E track, baby. This isn't an insult, as Formula E is brilliant. But it perhaps lacked good racing, with all of the pizazz reserved for the celebrity-packed pitlane and the bizarrely fake marina. It took a safety car from Gasly and Norris's terrifyingly high-impact collision to bring out the kind of chaos we love here at the F1 Losers League, baby.

Magnussen was so full of promise, but here he is topping the Track Points in Miami with a last-lap retirement after a clash with Lance Stroll. Zhou is just behind him, with his second 15-pointer in two races. For races in May and June, the Raceday Special points element pivots to slowest pit lane time: take a bow, inaugural slow-pitter Mick Schumacher, baby.

McLaren, Aston Martin and Haas all scored their highest Track Points of the season. Lando Norris said he ended his race "in a silly way"^, so we take this to mean McLaren are allowing their drivers to wear clown wigs and squirty flower pins. Not sure how this sits with the jewellery ban, but each to their own, baby.

Oh the "baby" comments? Let's explain. This is in tribute to the post-race interviews by the incredible Willy T Ribbs, who said "Great job, baby" to Carlos Sainz and "Awesome job, baby" to Max Verstappen. In fact, his full comment to Verstappen is worth printing here in full:

"Awesome job, baby. Awesome job. All right, champ. Hey, Muhammad Ali told me that when you’re champ, Christmas Day is every day, so another Christmas... plus you're in good shape son, you’re ready to get into the boxing ring?"

Ho, ho, ho, baby.

Read on for all the Track Points in Miami.

Wednesday, 27 April 2022

Standings after the Emilia Romagna grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Emilia Romagna (Imola) grand prix.

Team Name retain the lead of the League, although with their Boost Buttons spent, everyone else may well catch up. Team Name's sister team Your Answer shoots to 2nd place after also pressing all of their Boosts at once. Will this pay off? It's fascinating to watch. My heart will Grosjean move into a season-best of 4th. And The Blue Flag Boys quietly make their debut in the top ten.

Riccardo is catching Vettel and Latifi in the driver standings, while Aston Martin and Red Bull nestle up behind Williams in the constructors' listings. Red Bull can blame their Beige Flag for that.

As of this fourth race of the season, every single driver and constructor has now earned Track Points. Last year, this didn't happen until the British grand prix, the tenth race of 2021. This is a testament to the topsy-turvy mixed-up nature of this years championship. Running a Losers team must be SO difficult in 2022. *smug smile*

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Emilia Romagna grand prix 2022

Toto Wolff ranting inanely to a bored Lewis Hamilton about how his takeaway of king prawns was left on his doorstep in the rain

BIGGEST LOSERS IN IMOLA

  • Your Answer attacked this race like Lorraine Kelly fighting a basketful of puppies. It was brutal. They changed almost every team member with Ejector Seats then launched all five of their season's Boost Buttons. The result? A just-above-average result, multiplied to 174 points and 1st place.
  • Despite Tsunoda scoring zilch for them, My heart will Grosjean claimed 2nd place and 102 points. They scooped the Boost bonus after a top Track Points performance, and played two Boost Buttons to boot. A bonzer follow-up to their excellent Australia result.
  • Also playing two Boosts were The Blue Flag Boys, whose 81 points gives them 3rd place in Imola. Their two Boost Buttons flatters a slightly mediocre Track Points performance hindered by a zero-scoring Stroll and Tsunoda.
  • In 4th place with 66 points is Pierre Ghastly. Good Track Points, good Ejector Seating, good Pitlane Punting, good boy *pats on head*.
  • Mancunian Badboy Racing and Tardi Minardi find themselves with 56 points each and joint 5th place in Imola. Both of them did a fairly average Boost, enough to see them in these top scores.
This is the commentary page for the Emilia Romagna grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Emilia Romagna grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Emilia Romagna (Imola) grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Emilia Romagna grand prix 2022

Carlos Sainz balancing on top of his stricken Ferrari, saying "this surfboard is rubbish"

Did we witness a good sprint race? Did that happen? Or was it a figment of our imagination? Was it some kind of fevered dream because we've been scoffing brie wheels in our pyjamas? Why are we keeping cheese in our pyjamas? None of this makes sense.

The sprint race might have been fun, but it was no consolation for our two biggest scoring drivers. Zhou Guanyu sprinted into oblivion and earned the first Sprint Drop points of the season, and Carlos Sainz's race lasted two corners, giving him the second Earliest Exit points in two races. Sainz was pitched off the track by Ricciardo, whose hobbled car gave him a bunch of Track Points too.

As for the constructors, Alfa Romeo topped the points alongside Ferrari, with Alpine in third place after, for the second time this season, we got to witness an Alpine car driving with a huge gaping hole in the side. Yikes. Wonder where the hole leads? Echo. Echo. ECHO.

Read on for all the Track Points in Imola. Let's just call it Imola, because it's quicker to type than Emilia Romagna.

Wednesday, 20 April 2022

The Miami 5-0 Punt (closed)

The Miami 5-0: play this Pitlane Punt

We're as excited as you are about F1 racing in Miami on May 8th. No, really, we are excited. What? No, that's just how our face looks. We're excited INSIDE.

So let's come up with a special one-race punt called the Miami 5-0. It's like Hawaii 5-0, but entirely the wrong part of the United States.

Bet on a driver ending up at least five places behind their team mate at the Miami grand prix. Read on to play this Punt.

Thursday, 14 April 2022

Standings after the Australia grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Australian grand prix.

Team Name retain the lead of the Losers League because they jabbed all of their Boost Buttons at once. Moving into second place, leading the charge to catch Team Name, are Cockpit Misfits. The biggest risers up the loserboard are Scrapyard 17 and Strolling the ranks.

Latifi rises to second place in the drivers' rankings, behind Vettel. Keep an eye on Schumacher and Tsuonda who rocketed up the table. Red Bull are toppled from the constructor's standings, with Williams now the worst constructor in Formula One. Useful information to know when considering your next Ejector Seat change.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Australian grand prix 2022

A relaxed Nicholas Latifi lounging in the back of a car at the Australian grand prix, with a face-masked driver asking "Any particular barrier you want driving to, sir?"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN AUSTRALIA

  • A perfect storm of brilliance saw Scrapyard 17 top the points in Australia. A great Track Points performance, added to with a Boost Button and a host of Pitlane Punt successes. 113 points to them.
  • In 2nd place, Vladimir Mazepin also did a nice job with Punts, their score of 105 enabled by an inspired Ejector Seat change that saw them top of the Track Points table.
  • Cockpit Misfits were the best of the Boosters in Oz, bringing in 3rd place and 87 points.
  • In 4th place with 86 points are Team Name, largely because of their generous Boosting.
  • VroomerDoomer claimed 5th place in Albert Park. Their perfect Pitlane Punt work, including being only one of two teams to opt for the Seb Schlep punt, helped them earn 73 points.
  • And 6th place goes to My heart will Grosjean. Their 64 points was a solid performance. Nothing more, nothing less. Properly solid.
This is the commentary page for the Australian grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Australia grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Australia grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes. 

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Australia grand prix 2022

Vettel riding on a scooter, apparently the wrong way, saying "CHOO CHOO!"

Here comes Sebastian Vettel! Look at him finally starting his 2022 season! Oh wait. His engine's not working. And now he's crashed. Is he sitting out qualifying? No it's fine, he's on track– Oh. That Aston Martin is not good. And now he's retired the car. Oh heck, this is terrible. It can't get any worse. Wait. What?! Seb! Get off the scooter. GET OFF THE SCOOTER, SEB!

It was lovely to be back in Australia, even if home boy Daniel Ricciardo forgot his obligations to the F1 Losers League and had a decent enough race. What a cobber. A rotten weekend for Sebastian Vettel was almost matched by a struggling Sainz and a newly mediocre Kevin Magnussen. We could have given beige flags to several constructors, but we opted for just one in the end.

What was most remarkable about this race is how many Pitlane Punts came to fruition. You can read more about this on the Losers' teams commentary page.

Read on for all the Track Points in Australia.

Thursday, 7 April 2022

The Seb Schlep Punt (closed)

Play the Seb Schlep Pitlane Punt

This punt is now closed to new submissions.

Sebastian Vettel is back! Inspector Seb is behind the wheel and everything is going to go brilliantly. Right?

Or maybe, just maybe, the former world champ is going to struggle in 2022.

Bet that Sebastian Vettel won't make it out of the first session of qualifying at the forthcoming grand prix. Read on to play this Punt.