Thursday, 13 May 2021

Losers Team standings after the Spanish grand prix

We Spained, we saw, we conked out.

Here are the latest standings following the Spanish grand prix. It's still tight at the top, although there's no move in the top three. The biggest change in the loserboard was prompted by HAASN'T A CHANCE's genius DRS adjustment, which rocketed them from 21st place to 4th.

Scroll down for the driver and constructor standings. Tsunoda has moved up into second place for the drivers, while Haas has overtaken Williams as the biggest losing constructor. Read on.

Losers Team scores: Spanish grand prix

Freddie Mercury singing "no time for losers" from We Are The Champions, and someone off camera shouting "WHAT?!"

Look at you, watching the Spanish grand prix on your big screen telly. Pop corn in one hand, Blue Nun in the other. You've got one eye on the racing action, and one eye on the F1 Losers League app, which is giving blow-by-blow telemetry on the worst elements of the grand prix. The F1 Losers app doesn't exist. It's just some crayon you've scrawled on a piece of toilet paper.

In Spain, one Losers Team absolutely nailed the DRS system to score more points in a single race than any other team so far. While many teams still did pretty well for Losers Points, others will be desperately waiting for the unlocking of the first Ejector Seat, allowing them to dump team choices that are proving to be too successful. Mentioning no names. NORRIS.

Which Losers Teams brought the pain in Spain? Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Spanish grand prix

Yuki Tsunoda showing off his Beige flag and "10 points" snow globe

We asked Valtteri Bottas to write this race report for us. However, at the crucial moment, he disobeyed our orders. See what we did there? That was a reference to Bottas not moving aside for Hamilton at the Spanish grand prix. It's this kind of clever narrative that sets the F1 Losers League apart from other fantasy leagues.

Verstappen described himself as a "sitting duck" as Hamilton reeled him in for a race win. There was plenty of flapping about across the field, with the Spanish race offering more overtaking as usual. However, the usual turkeys reared their ugly heads: Haas finishing 92 laps down; Aston Martin disappointing again; Russell being in the points for about a quarter of a second.

It was no surprise to see constructor Haas top the points in Spain. As for the drivers, it was rookie Yuki Tsunoda who came through as biggest loser, his early promise starting to show more than a few signs of wear and tear. 

Who was a Catalonian car-tastrophe at the Spanish grand prix? Read on.

Monday, 3 May 2021

Losers Team standings after the Portuguese grand prix

There was some great overtaking at the Portuguese grand prix so it seems appropriate that we have a new leader in the F1 Losers League (Have a look at the Portuguese scores here.

We present to you some lovely tables showing (a) the F1 Losers League standings, which we're determined on calling the loserboard even though it's not catching on, (b) the driver standings with a familiar name in first place, and (c) the constructor standings where it's pretty close at the top. Read on.

Losers Team scores: Portuguese grand prix

Romans in battle, with an elephant being mistaken for a Haas, and the elephant riders saying "we're on for fastest lap, lads"

What's the most dramatic thing to happen in Portugal? The Roman conquest of Iberia? The overthrow of dictatorship in the Revolution of the Carnations? Vettel pulling into the McLaren pitstop by mistake?

Wrong. It's DRS. One of the key features in modern Formula One is DRS (Drag Reduction System), the booster button that allows cars to overtake. For the F1 Losers League, we have stolen this idea: we created our own DRS (Double Race Scores) function and in Portugal, 22 Losers Teams had theirs activated. Points all over the place!

This means if you did well in Portugal, you did *really* well in Portugal. And if you did badly...

Let's have a peek at the Losers Teams points in Portugal. Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Portuguese grand prix

Raikkonen looking at his hat saying "Is this a steering wheel?"

Just imagine. You're at the supermarket reaching for the frozen peas. Suddenly, Nikita Mazepin gets in the way. You're at the bowling alley going in for your first strike of the game. Nikita Mazepin walks in front of you, and you drop the ball on your foot. You're in bed in the throes of passion with your loved-one, who's dressed up as Barney the dinosaur for some reason. Nikita Mazepin pops his head from under the covers. Mazepin! Not again!

Mazepin's ability to block everyone made him the biggest losing driver in Portugal, with Raikkonen's front wing prang placing him in a close second place as he scored the only retirement of the race.

Alfa Romeo had a rotten race, with a Biege Flag helping them to the lion's share of the Losers Points. Our reason for giving them the Biege Flag is entirely petty, but they still would have been the biggest losers even without that extra 10 points. Oh and Raikkonen got confused about something obvious.

Who did poorly in Portugal? Read on.