Wednesday, 27 October 2021

Standings after the US grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the US grand prix. (Full US round-up here.)

In a F1 Losers League first, HAASN'T A CHANCE challenged our ruling on a Punt pay-out^, and was successful. This means HAASN'T A CHANCE keep hold of second place in the League, and are now nipping at the heels of Team Name. LockedDownLosers stay in third place. The biggest riser was Not good on the BENds.

Gasly shot up the driver rankings, rejoining the top ten worst drivers of the season. Meanwhile in the constructor listings, Aston Martin and AlphaTauri both make gains, although neither look set to challenge the dominance of Haas and Williams.


Losers Team scores: US grand prix

Tsunoda looking down and saying "mmm, nice and meaty"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN THE USA

The US grand prix was an epic battle of team actions between the top three teams in the F1 Losers League, with Team Name, HAASN'T A CHANCE and LockedDownLosers playing eight Pitlane Punts and ten Fast Forecasts between them. Plus all three ran Boost Buttons.
  • HAASN'T A CHANCE scored the most points in Texas, a fact we previously missed when we initially declared they had lost the Romeo Oh Romeo punt (see below). They did in fact win the punt and find themselves at the top of the scores.
  • Team Name scored 2nd place in the USA with 112 points. More than half of these points came from Team Name's penchant for well-played Pitlane Punts (see below).
  • In 3rd place was Not good on the BENds with 90 points, helped by a Punt win and a terrible race for Gasly.
  • LockedDownLosers landed 4th place, with good gains across the board from team actions.
  • With 81 points and 5th place, it's Tardi Minardi – a poor race points haul was saved by Pitlane Punt success. 
  • Despite being let down by a decent performance from Tsunoda, Cruthers Car Co. boosted their way to 6th place and 60 points.
  • Honourable mention: A double-whammy of disasters from Gasly and Alpine gave Murraylivesforeverinourhearts a solid 57 points and 7th  place at the US grand prix.

God bless this unites states of losers. Carry on reading for the full Losers team scores in the US.

Race points: US grand prix

A novelty bullhorn cowboy car with Shaquille O'Neal in the back with the caption "FIA REVEALS FORMULA ONE CAR FOR 2022 (COMES WITH A SHAQUILLE O'NEAL)"

Even without the Beige Flag festooned upon him, Pierre Gasly easily topped the driver points at the Circuit of the Americas. After a dalliance with Bottas, he retired in the early stint of the race with suspension issues.

It was constructor Alpine who had the biggest shocker, though. An engine change demoted Alonso to the back of the grid, which earned Alpine a Beige Flag. Both cars coped badly with the bumpy nature of the track. Ocon complained that "the track needs need some work for next year" while Alonso was left wondering if the bumps had wrecked his rear wing. Both cars retired: complete wipe-out.

None of this dampens the F1 Losers League's campaign to install speed bumps at all Formula One circuits. Really tall ones. And maybe a few hump-backed bridges you usually get over countryside streams. And roadworks. Lots of roadworks. Cones everywhere!

Sorry. Getting distracted. With 156 Losers points given out, it was the third highest scoring race of the year. Read on for all the race points given in the USA.


Thursday, 14 October 2021

Standings after the Turkish grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Turkish grand prix.

LockedDownLosers nudge up to third place in the standings, and are only 30 off second place. Haas Beens also rise a place, while The Tour de France is Better overtakes Steady Jordan. WereDrivingInReverse suffered the biggest fall, down two places.

Vettel and Giovinazzi each rise two places in the driver rankings, while Bottas tumbles five places after his triumph in Turkey. Pah. Interestingly, Perez and Norris have not scored any race points since August. As for the constructors, Haas extend their massive lead, while the battle for third between Alfa Romeo and Aston Martin is nail-shreddingly close

Read on for the full Standings following the Turkish grand prix.


Losers Team scores: Turkish grand prix

A spun-round Alonso in his Alpine facing oncoming cars, saying "¿Est├ís crazy? You’re all going the wrong way!"

Let's get straight into it.

BIGGEST LOSERS IN TURKEY

  • LockedDownLosers threw everything at this race, winning a Punt, losing a Punt, and getting correct and nearly-correct Fast Forecasts (see team actions below), They also pressed a Boost Button. Their average score of 31 was doubled, then inflated to 152 total points once their Punt and Forecast winnings were added on.
  • In contrast, Panda Pops did naff all. They just scored well, bringing in 54 Losers points for second place in Turkey, no doubt helped by Vettel's shockingly bad race result and Beige Flag-earning tyre change calamity. Minimal effort, big result, super cool.
  • In third place is Not good on the BENds with 38 points, relying largely on Mazepin turning a stonking qualifying performance into a spin (not his fault) and last place.
  • NEEEOOOOWWWW and Nikita Mazepimp take joint fourth with 37 points, helped by Mazepin and Haas respectively.
  • And in sixth is Lou-sers, who also have Haas on their team. 35 points to them.

Carry on reading for all the lovely Losers team scores for the Turkish grand prix.

Race points: Turkish grand prix

Hamilton saying to Bottas, "apparently every time you win, you lose 25 points – I never realised"

Welcome to the Japanese grand prix, which ended up in Turkey, hence the Red Bull cars displaying Japanese script that wasn't in Turkish, and Japanese racing driver Yuki Tsunoda being interviewed about being in Turkey instead of Japan. Confused?

The Turkish grand prix saw victory for Valtteri Bottas, but more importantly the most victorious loser was Nikita Mazepin who converted a 20th place in qualifying into an heroic 20th in the race. Vettel had a moment of madness when he switched to slick tyres on a damp track, sending him skating into the Losers points. And Alonso hit so many cars, he went from 6th to 16th.

That Bottas win carries a minus-25 Race Win Bonus, the sixth driver to receive such a points penalty so far this season. A costly result for some Losers teams. Will ever they learn? No they will not. You just watch: at the Texas grand prix later this month, someone will win the race again. Pfffrt.

As for the constructors, Haas had another hapless race, with only Ferrari and Mercedes scoring zero points or lower. Read on for all the race points given in Turkey.

Monday, 4 October 2021

Pitlane Punt: The Mazespin (closed)

The Mazespin: play this Pitlane Punt

PITLANE PUNT: THE MAZESPIN

Something fundamental has changed in the tectonic plates of Formula One. The end of Mercedes' dominance? The retirement of Kimi? No. Nikita Mazepin has stopped sending his car into a spin.

Surely this is not the end of the Maze-spin?

Bet on Nikita Mazepin spinning his car on a specified grand prix weekend. Read on to play this Punt.

Pitlane Punt: Carlos Car Loss (closed)

 Carlos Car Loss: play this Pitlane Punt

PITLANE PUNT: CARLOS CAR LOSS

Ferrari have been resurgent this year, putting behind them the woes of their past.

However, there's a chink in their red armour.

Bet on Carlos Sainz will break his car on a specified grand prix weekend. Read on to play this Punt.

Pitlane Punt: Better Than Vettel (closed)

Better than Vettel: play this Pitlane Punt

PITLANE PUNT: BETTER THAN VETTEL

Daddy's boy Lance Stroll continues to land better race results than multiple world champion Sebastian Vettel, with Vettel's biggest podium moment of 2021 ending in disqualification.

Can this continue?

Bet on Sebastian Vettel finishing a selected race at least five places behind his teammate Lance Stroll. Read on to play this Punt.