Tuesday 31 August 2021

Standings after the Belgian grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Belgian grand prix. (Race points here. Losers Team points here.)

Team Name extended their lead by over 200 points. If their score was height in metres, they would be one and a half Burj Khalifas tall. The biggest mover was WereDrivingInReverse, who rose four places. Clean Trolls jumped up three places, and Thomas's Tractors two. Panda Pops, Cruthers Car Co and The Tour de France is Better all lost ground.

Schumacher, Perez and Ocon all moved up the driver standings. while a strong Belgian finish for Ricciardo saw him drop three places. The constructor standings remained static, with Haas adding over 20 points to their lead.

Read on for the full Standings following Belgium.

Losers Team scores: Belgian grand prix

A road sweeper truck with one caption saying "And he's overtaken Hamilton for the lead" and another saying "pack it in, Arthur"

While the FIA was giving out half scores – pah! – the Losers League gave out loads of full-blooded double scores because (a) we are generous and wise and ever so fabulous, and (b) it was a default DRS (Double Race Scores) grand prix so we had to do it because that's how the League works.

August has seen some changes in the F1 Losers League. This race introduces Fast Forecasts, in which teams can make low-risk predictions. We have also introduced a disruptive new results tool Break Assist, which spells trouble for your team if you don't score enough points.

Good job we have these new additions because there wasn't much to talk about at the shortest grand prix in history

Read on for the Losers Teams scores for Belgium, all newly formatted to make everything so much more transparent.

Race points: Belgian grand prix

We should abandon this race summary after the first couple of words. Two words. Done. There's our full summary. It would be no worse than pulling a race after a couple of laps.

Fortunately, the F1 Losers League cannot be hampered by incessant rain. Belgium may have been the biggest washout in F1 history, but the real damp squibs are right here in our race points. Six Beige Flags! Red Bull getting the Backwards Bonus two races in a row! Hamilton's toilet trauma told so beautifully over his team radio!

Perez took the spoils for the drivers at the Belgian grand prix, and even without Beige Flags, Haas prove themselves again as ultimate losers on the top of the calamitous constructor pile. Read on for the full and definitely not halved Belgian race points.

Friday 27 August 2021

Break Assist: a new portal of chaos for the F1 Losers League

 Two Ferraris crashing into Max Verstappen's Bed Bull, with one Ferrari driver saying "Hey, we're just assisting, Max!"

It has become clear to the F1 Losers League that there are teams wallowing in the lower ranks of the competition, seemingly happy with their half-hearted embrace of loserdom. You're like Coldplay fans, gently bopping to your drizzle-grey sonic mulch.

No more. Break Assist is here.

When we publish race results, we produce a lovely big table of Losers Teams scores. Starting from the Belgian grand prix, we're introducing Break Assist, a special results tool which will effectively grab that points table and bash it with a hammer.

How will Break Assist work? Let's start with the team that ends up in last place in the race results, taking star place in our Podium of Shame. Whichever team scores least will have an Ejector Seat automatically triggered. Bang! Just like that. Whether they like it or not, the least losing team will have their lowest scoring driver dumped.

The League will randomly pick a replacement – with a couple of caveats. We won't include 2021 grand prix winners and we'll abide by the all-important Pit Garage Rule. That team will then be down an Ejector Seat and will have a slightly adjusted team.

Break Assist doesn't stop there. Another team randomly selected from the bottom quarter of the scores will be forced to play a Pitlane Punt. The Punt will be selected by the Losers League using our IMMENSE wisdom and/or a blindfold and dart board. If the Punt fails, the League will waive any stakes payable.

There's more. Another team randomly picked from the lowest half of the scores will be made to play a Fast Forecast. Again, this will be selected by the Losers League, and if it fails, the League will waive any point losses incurred.

Why are wading in like a frazzled head teacher looking for an innocent pupil to shout at? Because we want to tighten up the scores, and this slightly chaotic intervention seems like a good way of doing it.  It'll increase involvement, and hopefully get some teams earning more Losers points. Some teams are clearly not broken enough, and in the spirit of loserdom, we want to break you more.

We have a couple more ideas for Break Assist, but we won't launch them until the 13th race of the season. There's a clue in that number...

We understand that Break Assist might be upsetting, but it's not us you're letting down. You're letting down yourself. Now take this letter home to your mother and we'll chat again on parents' day.

The F1 Losers League is a fantasy league like no other. Welcome to the new portal of havoc that is Break Assist.

Break Assist

Wednesday 11 August 2021

Quick – make your Fast Forecast now. Quick! Quicker!

Mick Schumacher looking surprised at the Fast Forecast logo

While the real Formula One teams take their summer break, the bunch of slackers, we are hard at work upgrading the F1 Losers League.

The first big change is Fast Forecast. This is a new team action in which you choose a driver, then predict an outcome for them at the next race. Read on to find out more.

Wednesday 4 August 2021

Use your Ejector Seats to make your team worse

Cute Ejector Seat graphic

From today, every Losers Team has a third Ejector Seat. This is enough to replace a driver AND a constructor. Trigger those seats! Pow!

Here's our guide on how to approach Ejector Seats. Warning: contains a greedy duck. Read on.

Tuesday 3 August 2021

Standings after the Hungarian grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Hungarian grand prix. (Race points here. Losers Team points here.)

Team Name easily extend their lead, hitting a milestone of a thousand Losers Points. Panda Pops, Haas Beens and WereDrivingInReverse all rise two places. LockedDownLosers plummet six places after their Punt predicament, and there were smaller drops for The Pit Lockers, The Tour de France is Better, Steady Jordan and Lou-sers.

In the driver rankings, Bottas barges his way to 3rd place, while man of the match Ocon drops from 9th place to 15th. As for the constructors, Alpine scaled great heights, so they find themselves tumbling from 4th to 7th, while Aston Martin vroom their way from 5th to 3rd. 

Read on for the full Standings following Hungary.

Losers Team scores: Hungarian grand prix

Raikkonen driving into the path of Mazepin in the pitlane, with Mazepin saying "Hey, that's my parking space!"

You know that bit in the Usual Suspects where the guy turns out not to be the guy you thought he was and everyone was like "loooool it's him!" and everyone else was like "I know right?!"

At the Hungarian grand prix, you were watching the wrong car. You were all obsessing about Bottas, who topped the driver points, but actually it was all about Raikkonen causing chaos in the pitlane. Kimi's snafu earned a big score for one particular Loser's Team.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that you're allowed to drive into other cars in the pitlane. Read on for the Losers Teams scores for Hungary.

Race points: Hungarian grand prix

The Jesus character in The Big Lebowski saying "nobody effs with the Bottas"

Every time I go bowling, have a narrow window of genius. It's usually between the third and fourth pint, and it lasts for about three balls. For Bottas, it only took one strike to be a Losers League genius. Let's have a look at the results of a most remarkable Hungarian grand prix.

By the way, the British grand prix had been the highest scoring race for drivers and constructors this season, with a tally of 152 race points, followed by Bahrain and Austria scoring in the 140s. The Hungarian race smashed that, with 202 points given to drivers and constructors, depending on Vettel's appeal. That's pretty massive.

Another fact? Williams scored zero points for the first time this season.

Read on for the Hungarian race points haul.