Race points: Abu Dhabi grand prix

The end of an era: that's what they're all saying. And what a thrilling run it has been. Never again will we witness such a dominating performance in a rookie season as Nikita Mazepin's. He ended it all in the most loser-y way possible: by qualifying last then catching Covid and missing the race. He easily topped the points in Abu Dhabi. We salute you, king of spins.

Alfa Romeo topped the constructor points for the first time since the Portuguese grand prix. A possibly demotivated Kimi Raikkonen retired mid-race with brake problems (the car, not him), while Giovonazzi had his own terminal technical trouble. Williams follow just behind with their own double retirement, one of which caused a dramatic end to the race – not sure what happened: we never watch the front of the race.

A whole bunch of retirements at Yas Marina, including retirement points for Nikita not turning up. It's always fun when this injects a whole load of extra points into our Losers team scores.

Read on for all the points in Abu Dhabi.

Race points: Saudi Arabian grand prix

In the real Formula One race in Jeddah, two determined drivers battled in increasingly erratic ways in one of the tensest championship battles for some time. In the Losers League, Mazepin and Haas topped the points. Again. What a predictable and normal 2021, huh?

Neither Haas car could cope with the Saudi Arabia circuit, a high-pressure tube of a racetrack not unlike the Large Hadron Collider – only dustier and more likely to destroy someone's universe. Schumacher's retirement earned him Early Exit points and Verstappen a free pitstop. Mazepin's restart crash triggered a second red flag and the absolute chaos that was to come for the rest of the race. You do YOU, Haas.

This supercollided plenty of points at the cars, resulting in a great points haul for Losers teams. AlphaTauri got their fourth Backwards Bonus in three races, and we handed out a hefty number of Retirement points. We awarded eight Beige Flags for this race, more than any other race this season. Flags for constructors include fire and a polar bear, but also the death of Sir Frank Williams. Frank, we salute you with our pallid little flag.

Read on for all the points in Saudi Arabia.

Race points: Qatari grand prix

Pop. Bang. Whoosh. That's the sound of tyres bursting at the Qatar grand prix, with one of those tyres ensuring Bottas's position as the biggest losing driver of the race. It's also the sound of Giovinazzi's F1 career: his sacking by Alfa Romeo means he joins Bottas as the top loser in Qatar.

Williams beat Haas to the position of top losing constructor at this race, with both Russell and Latifi having their own tyre tantrums. Honestly, you can't trust tyres. This is why the Flintstones cut the bottoms out of their cars so they could scamper along with their feet. Hopefully, this will be introduced in the new car spec for 2022.

Read on for all the points in Qatar.

Race points: Brazilian grand prix

Don't mess with Mercedes' Toto Wolff. Cross him and he will point at you and then he will say a swear word. Does his Red Bull rival Christian Horner know that Toto's middle name is Christian. No, really. Look it up on Wikipedia. Oops, sorry, Toto. We'll stop talking about you. Stop pointing. STOP POINTING.

Lance Stroll's underwhelming retirement ensured that he and Aston Martin were the biggest losers at Brazil's São Paulo grand prix. It was such an unnoticeable retirement. We can't even remember the reason for his DNF. Disappointment, probably. More of note is the fact that Ricciardo and McLaren each had by far their biggest score of the season.

Plenty of Backwards Bonus points in Brazil, and of course we couldn't wait to foist a Beige Flag on Verstappen and on Mercedes for their South American shenanigans. Red Bull doesn't just give you wings: it feels them up too. 

Read on for all the points in Brazil.

Race points: Mexican grand prix

At the start of the Mexico grand prix, all eyes were on Bottas. However, his pole position advantage barely lasted one corner of the race, beaten off the line by his rivals and then spun round to claim a comprehensive 5-point Backwards Bonus. After his spun, all of Bottas's eyes were on the back end of Ricciardo as the Aussie blocked the frazzled Fin for much of the race.

Mazepin topped a lowly last place with a nightclub altercation to ensure he was the biggest losing driver in Mexico City. He was closely followed by Tsunoda and Schumacher, whose own first corner drama gave them joint Earliest Exit points.

AlphaTauri beat Haas to the title of worst constructor in Mexico, which is remarkable considering their driver Gasly earned zero Losers points. Getting an engine / power unit change penalty didn't help. Read on for all the points in Mexico.

Race points: US grand prix

Even without the Beige Flag festooned upon him, Pierre Gasly easily topped the driver points at the Circuit of the Americas. After a dalliance with Bottas, he retired in the early stint of the race with suspension issues.

It was constructor Alpine who had the biggest shocker, though. An engine change demoted Alonso to the back of the grid, which earned Alpine a Beige Flag. Both cars coped badly with the bumpy nature of the track. Ocon complained that "the track needs need some work for next year" while Alonso was left wondering if the bumps had wrecked his rear wing. Both cars retired: complete wipe-out.

None of this dampens the F1 Losers League's campaign to install speed bumps at all Formula One circuits. Really tall ones. And maybe a few hump-backed bridges you usually get over countryside streams. And roadworks. Lots of roadworks. Cones everywhere!

Sorry. Getting distracted. With 156 Losers points given out, it was the third highest scoring race of the year. Read on for all the race points given in the USA.

Race points: Turkish grand prix

Welcome to the Japanese grand prix, which ended up in Turkey, hence the Red Bull cars displaying Japanese script that wasn't in Turkish, and Japanese racing driver Yuki Tsunoda being interviewed about being in Turkey instead of Japan. Confused?

The Turkish grand prix saw victory for Valtteri Bottas, but more importantly the most victorious loser was Nikita Mazepin who converted a 20th place in qualifying into an heroic 20th in the race. Vettel had a moment of madness when he switched to slick tyres on a damp track, sending him skating into the Losers points. And Alonso hit so many cars, he went from 6th to 16th.

That Bottas win carries a minus-25 Race Win Bonus, the sixth driver to receive such a points penalty so far this season. A costly result for some Losers teams. Will ever they learn? No they will not. You just watch: at the Texas grand prix later this month, someone will win the race again. Pfffrt.

As for the constructors, Haas had another hapless race, with only Ferrari and Mercedes scoring zero points or lower. Read on for all the race points given in Turkey.

Race points: Russian grand prix

In a sense it was back to normal in Russia. Hamilton winning it for Mercedes, incurring our minus-25 point Race Win Penalty, and Haas and Williams topping the Losers points. Except, of course, it wasn't a normal race. It wasn't a normal race at all.

Lando Norris, the least losing driver not to have won a race, had a victory dashed by the most inept weather forecast management since Michael Fish told us to wear flip flops and shades. And every constructor in the universe, it seemed, overused their annual engine allocation, incurring heavy grid penalties.

We have, of course, recognised this with our trusty Beige Flags.

Don't have a Moscow, man. Read on for all the race points given to cars at the Russian grand prix.

Race points: Italian (Monza) grand prix

Daniel Ricciardo won in Italy. He's nicknamed the honey badger because he, er , has a sweet tooth and likes rutting in people's back gardens. Meanwhile, Hamilton and Verstappen were humping each other like rabbits. For the F1 Losers League, this is all irrelevant. There was one massive loser in Italy and that was the sad panda that was AlphaTauri.

What a woeful weekend for the Red Bull b-team. The 2020 Italian grand prix winner Pierre Gasly crashed out of the sprint session after hitting Ricciardo, winning him the inaugural 5-point Sprint Fail (see our points system here). He was then delegated to the pitlane for the start, and then exited the race on lap three with suspension failure.

Meanwhile Yuki Tsunoda, subject of a very special Pitlane Punt, crashed in the sprint session and was then wheeled away from the grid at the start of the race because of a brake issue. He didn't even get off the line. 

All this at AlphaTauri's home race. Their score of 45 points is higher than any constructor all season.

Read on for all the race point drama in the Italian grand prix.

Race points: Netherlands grand prix

The F1 Losers League is so impressed at the steep banking at the Dutch grand prix circuit, the following report is being written on a wonky chair with a gradiant of 30 degrees. A hardback copy of 'Microwave Meals For One' under one chair leg. Feels just like turn three at Zandvoort.

Raikkonen missed the race because of Covid, so if you have Raikkonen on your team, you earned points with his replacement Kubica. You also picked up Raikkonen's Beige Flag points, so double bonus.

While everyone was obsessing about Russell's future, our eye was on the debate surrounding Giovinazzi's future. Doubts about his ability to retain his seat, along with a performance that crumbled from a decent qualifying place into oblivion, made him the biggest losing driver at the Dutch grand prix. This also had a big effect on this race's Losers Team scores.

The other big news was Williams. Russell's disastrous final few laps helped the team to their biggest score of the season so far, even beating Haas. Welcome back to the realms of loserdom, Williams.

Read on for all the race point drama in the Netherlands.

Race points: Belgian grand prix

We should abandon this race summary after the first couple of words. Two words. Done. There's our full summary. It would be no worse than pulling a race after a couple of laps.

Fortunately, the F1 Losers League cannot be hampered by incessant rain. Belgium may have been the biggest washout in F1 history, but the real damp squibs are right here in our race points. Six Beige Flags! Red Bull getting the Backwards Bonus two races in a row! Hamilton's toilet trauma told so beautifully over his team radio!

Perez took the spoils for the drivers at the Belgian grand prix, and even without Beige Flags, Haas prove themselves again as ultimate losers on the top of the calamitous constructor pile. Read on for the full and definitely not halved Belgian race points.

Race points: Hungarian grand prix

Every time I go bowling, have a narrow window of genius. It's usually between the third and fourth pint, and it lasts for about three balls. For Bottas, it only took one strike to be a Losers League genius. Let's have a look at the results of a most remarkable Hungarian grand prix.

By the way, the British grand prix had been the highest scoring race for drivers and constructors this season, with a tally of 152 race points, followed by Bahrain and Austria scoring in the 140s. The Hungarian race smashed that, with 202 points given to drivers and constructors, depending on Vettel's appeal. That's pretty massive.

Another fact? Williams scored zero points for the first time this season.

Read on for the Hungarian race points haul.

Driver & constructor points: British grand prix

 

It's official. The jury is out on whether the sprint qualifying session worked. That's what the commentators kept saying. "The jury is out." Who is this jury? And do they have tickets to the race? We don't trust this mysterious jury.

What is certain is that Perez and Red Bull suddenly decided to be losers. The F1 Losers League is proud. They scored highly at the British grand prix, although one familiar constructor name took their usual position at the top of the terrible rankings at Silverstone.

British fans got the British winner they wanted. This is lovely: the Losers League CEO has watched Coulthard win at the British grand prix twice. However, this was a bad omen for the special Best Of British Pitlane Punts. Jump to the Losers Team points to see how that went.

Meanwhile, let's have a look at the drivers and constructors. Who got into the spirit of Britain? Who poured a lovely cup of tea, popped a corgi into a bowler hat, and did really bad at sport? Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Austrian grand prix

Austria was a bad-tempered grand prix, with FIA penalties raining down like the rain that was promised for the race but never happened. Charles Leclerc got so angry after his altercation with Sergio Perez, it turned his car red.

Not counting points from Beige Flags, Esteban Ocon was the biggest loser in Austria. His quick exit from the race had a massive effect on the points earned by Losers Teams in what was easily the most dramatic Losers' result of the season.

But let's start with the drivers and constructors. Who regrets returning to the Red Bull Ring? Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Styrian grand prix

A funny thing just happened. We sent George Russell to the shops to get Solero ice lollies. Red Berry flavour for him, Exotic flavour for us. He was surprisingly quick, shimmying past the post box, giving next door's yappy dog a wide berth, his feet hardly touching the ground. Georgie was just yards from the newsagent's front door, Solero success right in front of him – when he was run over by a octopus driving eight bulldozers. That poor guy just can't catch a break.

Russell's apparent curse included, the Styrian grand prix had plenty of loser action. In fact, there were two drivers who scored more than Russell at the Red Bull Ring, and a Beige flag that comes courtesy of Mick Schumacher's wonky bottom.

Who came unstuck in Styria? Read on.

Driver & constructor points: French grand prix

Before we get into the Losers Points given to drivers and constructors at the French grand prix, we really must read you this letter we've just received. It has a Finnish postmark. Not sure who it's from.

"Dear F1 Losers League. Have you any jobs going? I am very experienced at driving cars at just under the speed they're meant to go. My favourite number is 77 and Wikipedia says I like the band The Offspring. I can do work experience. I make a mean cup of coffee. Please give me a job. I've got my performance review soon and I'm a bit worried. Does the F in F1 stand for Finland? I hope so."

Thanks for getting in contact, anonymous letter writer. We'll, er, get back to you. Shall we get on with the Losers Points in France? Yes, let's. Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Azerbaijan grand prix

If there's one thing we learn in Baku, it's that every Formula One grand prix should be just two laps long.

The Azerbaijan race had some dramatic moments, especially with Stroll and Verstappen's tyres failing at such high speeds. But it was the standing restart for the final two laps of the race that had the most drama. The smoking brakes, the missed corner, Mark Webber screaming in the studio.

This led to two drivers breaking their duck in 2021. Lewis Hamilton and Max Verstappen scored their first Points of the season. Yes, they've earned plenty of minus-25 Race Win Penalties. But this was the first time they notched up positive Losers Points. This is massive news, and we will be ringing the FIA to tell them.

This leaves us with just one lone driver that is yet to get a single Losers Point so far this year. This is shocking to us, and we can't bear to mention his name. It rhymes with Rando Boris.

Let's slap on the losers lotion and bask in warm glow of failure at the Azerbaijan grand prix. Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Monaco grand prix

What an amazing moment. Charles Leclerc netted poll position at his home grand prix in Monaco, the first Monegasque to do so in 80 years. Not only that, it was Ferrari's first poll position since 1066, when the prancing horse was an actual horse, and the hapless race director featured all the wrong things on the Bayeux Tapestry.

So when Leclerc dinged his driveshaft and failed to make the grid for the race, we knew this was a true F1 Losers League moment. The spirit of loserdom drifted in from the docks and settled on the narrow streets: the yachts sunk a little lower in the water; the chandeliers in the hotels lost their sparkle. Monaco, you are ours now. Mwhahahahaha...

...Er, sorry, where were we? Oh yes. What could have been a boring procession to the finishing line, which it was because it's Monaco, turned into a key loser moment of the year. Poor Charles. He inevitabley scooped up Losers Points along with Ferrari, but what about the rest of the Monaco mêlée? Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Spanish grand prix

We asked Valtteri Bottas to write this race report for us. However, at the crucial moment, he disobeyed our orders. See what we did there? That was a reference to Bottas not moving aside for Hamilton at the Spanish grand prix. It's this kind of clever narrative that sets the F1 Losers League apart from other fantasy leagues.

Verstappen described himself as a "sitting duck" as Hamilton reeled him in for a race win. There was plenty of flapping about across the field, with the Spanish race offering more overtaking as usual. However, the usual turkeys reared their ugly heads: Haas finishing 92 laps down; Aston Martin disappointing again; Russell being in the points for about a quarter of a second.

It was no surprise to see constructor Haas top the points in Spain. As for the drivers, it was rookie Yuki Tsunoda who came through as biggest loser, his early promise starting to show more than a few signs of wear and tear. 

Who was a Catalonian car-tastrophe at the Spanish grand prix? Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Portuguese grand prix

Just imagine. You're at the supermarket reaching for the frozen peas. Suddenly, Nikita Mazepin gets in the way. You're at the bowling alley going in for your first strike of the game. Nikita Mazepin walks in front of you, and you drop the ball on your foot. You're in bed in the throes of passion with your loved-one, who's dressed up as Barney the dinosaur for some reason. Nikita Mazepin pops his head from under the covers. Mazepin! Not again!

Mazepin's ability to block everyone made him the biggest losing driver in Portugal, with Raikkonen's front wing prang placing him in a close second place as he scored the only retirement of the race.

Alfa Romeo had a rotten race, with a Biege Flag helping them to the lion's share of the Losers Points. Our reason for giving them the Biege Flag is entirely petty, but they still would have been the biggest losers even without that extra 10 points. Oh and Raikkonen got confused about something obvious.

Who did poorly in Portugal? Read on.