Wednesday, 30 June 2021

Losers Team standings after the Styrian grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Styrian grand prix.

VroomDoom retain their lead, but second-place Team Name took a big bite out of their lead, closing in by 11 points. Pierre Ghastly had a decent showing, rising from 5th on the loserboard to 3rd. Meanwhile, Back of the shed had a bit of a Styria stinker and drop from 6th to 9th place.

In the driver rankings, Bottas leapfrogged ahead of Tsunoda and Schumacher to take 3rd place. AlphaTauri had a rough race and find themselves rising from 6th to joint 4th with Alpine, while Haas extended their lead as the worst constructor in F1.

Read on.

Losers Team points: Styrian grand prix

George Russell saying "Pierre who?!"

THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN STYRIA

Two teams did way better than anyone else at the Styrian grand prix. And no, we're not talking about the energy drink cars and the Silver Spoons or whatever Mercedes have as a nickname. We're talking about two Losers Teams.

As we publish this, we are releasing a second Ejector Seat for all of our Losers Teams. What does this mean? You can dump that constructor choice that hasn't been earning enough points for you. Or get rid of two drivers. See how Ejector Seats work here.

Meanwhile, let's see what happened to our Losers Teams in Styria. Read on to find out more.

Driver & constructor points: Styrian grand prix

Pierre Gasly saying "what do you MEAN we don't have bumpers?"

A funny thing just happened. We sent George Russell to the shops to get Solero ice lollies. Red Berry flavour for him, Exotic flavour for us. He was surprisingly quick, shimmying past the post box, giving next door's yappy dog a wide berth, his feet hardly touching the ground. Georgie was just yards from the newsagent's front door, Solero success right in front of him – when he was run over by a octopus driving eight bulldozers. That poor guy just can't catch a break.

Russell's apparent curse included, the Styrian grand prix had plenty of loser action. In fact, there were two drivers who scored more than Russell at the Red Bull Ring, and a Beige flag that comes courtesy of Mick Schumacher's wonky bottom.

Who came unstuck in Styria? Read on.

Sunday, 27 June 2021

Pitlane Punt: Best of British Punt (closed)

 

Pitlane Punt: Best of British Punt

PITLANE PUNT: BEST OF BRITISH PUNT

We love British things. Fish and chips. The BBC. Cups of tea. A Turkish saint called George slaying a mythical dragon. 

So how will the British things (drivers) do at the British grand prix?

Bet on any British driver (i.e. Hamilton, Norris or Russell) retiring from the British grand prix. Read on to play this Punt.

Pitlane Punt: The Ocon Odds-On (active – bet now)

 

Pitlane Punt: The Ocon Odds-On

PITLANE PUNT: THE OCON ODDS-ON

Like any Alpine mountain, there's an up-side and a down-side. So here's the down side. Ocon has failed to finish in the top ten in several races so far this season.

Can he do it again?

Bet that Esteban Ocon won't finish in the top ten in a specified grand prix. Read on to play this Punt.

Wednesday, 23 June 2021

Losers Team standings after the French grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the French grand prix.

No change at the top. LockedDownLosers played their DRS and dumped a driver with an Ejector Seat, which gave them a bump from 16th place on the season loserboard to 9th. Further down the table, The Tour de France is Better snuck from 13th place to 16th. You're going the wrong way, you silly sausage! 

In the driver rankings, "impetuous" Tsunoda finds himself overtaking Schumacher for 3rd place. And Leclerc leapfrogs Russell, Vettel and Raikkonen as he rises from 9th to 6th. Ferrari was full of fails in France and find themselves moving up from 7th to 5th in the constructor rankings

Read on.

Losers Team points: French grand prix

A man standing in front of an ATM saying "here goes"

THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN FRANCE

The French grand prix was surprisingly entertaining, like a grandfather who impersonates Taylor Swift, or a blancmange that knows tap dance. Although the focus was on Verstappen's risky race strategy, our eyes were further down the field. How did our Losers Teams fare at Circuit Paul Ricard?

In one sense, the usual suspects picked up points in France, so there were fewer surprises than usual. In another sense, erm, um... look! A performing blancmange! Look at it wobble! Ha ha ha, it's got tap shoes! Look!

Right, we think we got away with that. How did the Losers Teams do? And why have we got a picture of ATMs? Read on to find out more.

Driver & constructor points: French grand prix

Bottas looking pensive, thinking "I wonder if Haas will take me"

Before we get into the Losers Points given to drivers and constructors at the French grand prix, we really must read you this letter we've just received. It has a Finnish postmark. Not sure who it's from.

"Dear F1 Losers League. Have you any jobs going? I am very experienced at driving cars at just under the speed they're meant to go. My favourite number is 77 and Wikipedia says I like the band The Offspring. I can do work experience. I make a mean cup of coffee. Please give me a job. I've got my performance review soon and I'm a bit worried. Does the F in F1 stand for Finland? I hope so."

Thanks for getting in contact, anonymous letter writer. We'll, er, get back to you. Shall we get on with the Losers Points in France? Yes, let's. Read on.

Tuesday, 22 June 2021

Losers Team standings after the Azerbaijan grand prix

VroomDoom and Team Name retain the top two positions in the F1 Losers League. Tardi Minardi sneaks ahead into third place, but only just. Meanwhile, after a triple-points treat in Azerbaijan, Pierre Ghastly rockets from 14th place to 5th, leaving them just one point ahead of Panda Pops. Read on.

Losers Team scores: Azerbaijan grand prix

A puppy with a toilet roll saying "I WILL NEVER ENTER THE F1 LOSERS LEAGUE DUE TO MY LACK OF OPPOSABLE THUMBS"

THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN AZERBAIJAN

Ouch. That hurt. Sergio Perez winning in Azerbaijan really stung some of our Losers Teams. Especially with it being a DRS (Double Race Scores) grand prix, which means every point lost was an extra kick in the gut.

Still, let's look on the positive side. All over the world, there are cute puppies playing with toilet rolls. There are fields of lambs frolicking on sunlit hillocks. And one Losers Team was very clever indeed, manipulating their DRS in Azerbaijan to great effect. We are in awe. Read on to find out more.

Driver & constructor points: Azerbaijan grand prix

Verstappen kicking the ruined tyre of his F1 car while saying "faster, dammit"

If there's one thing we learn in Baku, it's that every Formula One grand prix should be just two laps long.

The Azerbaijan race had some dramatic moments, especially with Stroll and Verstappen's tyres failing at such high speeds. But it was the standing restart for the final two laps of the race that had the most drama. The smoking brakes, the missed corner, Mark Webber screaming in the studio.

This led to two drivers breaking their duck in 2021. Lewis Hamilton and Max Verstappen scored their first Points of the season. Yes, they've earned plenty of minus-25 Race Win Penalties. But this was the first time they notched up positive Losers Points. This is massive news, and we will be ringing the FIA to tell them.

This leaves us with just one lone driver that is yet to get a single Losers Point so far this year. This is shocking to us, and we can't bear to mention his name. It rhymes with Rando Boris.

Let's slap on the losers lotion and bask in warm glow of failure at the Azerbaijan grand prix. Read on.