Tuesday, 14 December 2021

F1 Losers League champion 2021

CHAMPION: HAASN’T A CHANCE PODIUM: Team NamePODIUM: LockedDownLosers TOP DRIVER: Nikita Mazepin TOP CONSTRUCTOR: Haas

Here are the final standings for the 2021 Losers League, following the Abu Dhabi grand prix. (Full Abu Dhabi round-up here.)

HAASN'T A CHANCE is F1 Losers League champion 2021, having not led the League previously this season. They started the year in 19th place, then dropped as low as 21st. But keeping Haas and Tsunoda on their team eventually paid off, as did their persistence in the face of Fast Forecast losses. Their cautious approach to Pitlane Punts starved them of high-stake wins, but it was a late Chump Punt gamble that won the day. Championships decided by a last-gasp moment of mayhem? Who'd have thunk it.

In second place is Team Name, whose 13-race streak in the lead of the Losers League came crashing down in Abu Dhabi. Their instinctive understanding of the betting system of Pitlane Punts was their strength. In their own words, "I thought it would be funny if I came last by gambling all my points away on Punts, but they kept on winning." 

In third place is LockedDownLosers, who ran an extraordinarily tenacious campaign to climb to what was, in the end, a comfortable podium position.

Congratulations too to Nikita Mazepin and his Haas team for being driver and constructor champions. Team boss Guenther Steiner said at the start of the year that points will be hard to come by. Not in the Losers League.

Thank you to everyone who competed in 2021. It's been a lot of fun. We'll run the League again in 2022, as we continue to celebrate the blunders and backmarkers of Formula One.

Read on for the final Standings following the Abu Dhabi grand prix.

Losers team scores: Abu Dhabi grand prix

A crashed Latifi saying "but Masi said it was okay to park here"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN ABU DHABI

  • With their Boost Buttons exhausted, HAASN'T A CHANCE faced a potentially disastrous race. But they dug deep with some seriously risky Pitlane Punts, and topped the scores with 264 points.
  • Back of the shed and Mancunian Badboy Racing claim joint 2nd in Abu Dhabi thanks to a rip-roaring Race Points result, bolstered by their Boost Buttons. 210 points each.
  • Outside title challenger LockedDownLosers did a decent job on just one Boost Button, nailing 183 points and 4th place, although they were a more averse to Punts than usual.
  • Just behind them were Not good on the BENds in 5th with 180. They would have got more if they hadn't kept the low-scoring Gasly on their team.
  • Pierre Ghastly came 6th with 171 points: another good Punter.

Carry on reading for all the Losers team action in Abu Dhabi.

Race points: Abu Dhabi grand prix

Kimi Raikkonen waving, saying "I'm off home for a shit"

The end of an era: that's what they're all saying. And what a thrilling run it has been. Never again will we witness such a dominating performance in a rookie season as Nikita Mazepin's. He ended it all in the most loser-y way possible: by qualifying last then catching Covid and missing the race. He easily topped the points in Abu Dhabi. We salute you, king of spins.

Alfa Romeo topped the constructor points for the first time since the Portuguese grand prix. A possibly demotivated Kimi Raikkonen retired mid-race with brake problems (the car, not him), while Giovonazzi had his own terminal technical trouble. Williams follow just behind with their own double retirement, one of which caused a dramatic end to the race – not sure what happened: we never watch the front of the race.

A whole bunch of retirements at Yas Marina, including retirement points for Nikita not turning up. It's always fun when this injects a whole load of extra points into our Losers team scores.

Read on for all the points in Abu Dhabi.

Wednesday, 8 December 2021

Standings after the Saudi Arabian grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Saudi Arabian grand prix. (Full Saudi Arabia round-up here.)

A terrible Saudi Arabian grand prix leaves Team Name in trouble. After the summer break, their lead was over 500 points. The latest race result sees their lead slashed from 224 to 60 points. With clever teamplay from their rivals, they could lose this. They could lose a Losers League. The shame! Or the pride? It's very confusing.

Lots of changes on the loserboard thanks to the Boost Button mayhem, with Panda Pops nipping up to 4th place and WereDrivingInReverse the highest riser. Russell is now one of the top six worst drivers. What happened, George? Aston Martin and AlphaTauri swap positions for the millionth time.

Although Mazepin and Haas have their championships sewn up, there could be a shock in the F1 Losers team championship. Read on for the full Standings following the Saudi Arabia grand prix.

Losers team scores: Saudi Arabian grand prix

BIGGEST LOSERS IN SAUDI ARABIA

  • LockedDownLosers topped the scores in Saudi Arabia, a combination of Boosts, Forecasts and Punts giving them the edge. 262 whole points to them. They scored 15 more points from Pitlane Punts than their bitter rival HAASN'T A CHANCE...
  • It's remarkable that HAASN'T A CHANCE got 2nd place with 231 points considering they weren't Boosted at all. Again, they threw a load of Forecasts and Punts at the race. They scored 15 more points from Forecasts than their bitter rival LockedDownLosers...
  • Mancunian Badboy Racing's two Boost Buttons helped them to 3rd place and an impressive 225 points.
  • Panda Pops had an incredible Race Points tally, as did anyone with Williams and Mazepin on their team. A Boost and a Punt topped this up: they get 207 points and 4th place in Saudi.
  • Despite only scoring one measly point from Stroll, WereDrivingInReverse secure 5th place and 160 points.
  • NEEEOOOOWWWW did the best job of Boost Buttons in the race, although the Buttons were pressed automatically on December 1st rather than through their own choosing. 6th place and 153. Thank us later, NEEE. Can we call you NEEE?
  • Worth nothing that the worst scoring team in Saudi Arabia was Team Name. Have a look at the Standings to see how this has affected the season scores.

Carry on reading for all the Losers team action in Saudi Arabia.

Race points: Saudi Arabian grand prix

Mazepin puffing up his cheeks, with an onlookers saying "WE TOLD HIMIF HE BLEW THE CAR, IT WOULD GO FASTER" and another saying "OH JEEZ"

In the real Formula One race in Jeddah, two determined drivers battled in increasingly erratic ways in one of the tensest championship battles for some time. In the Losers League, Mazepin and Haas topped the points. Again. What a predictable and normal 2021, huh?

Neither Haas car could cope with the Saudi Arabia circuit, a high-pressure tube of a racetrack not unlike the Large Hadron Collider – only dustier and more likely to destroy someone's universe. Schumacher's retirement earned him Early Exit points and Verstappen a free pitstop. Mazepin's restart crash triggered a second red flag and the absolute chaos that was to come for the rest of the race. You do YOU, Haas.

This supercollided plenty of points at the cars, resulting in a great points haul for Losers teams. AlphaTauri got their fourth Backwards Bonus in three races, and we handed out a hefty number of Retirement points. We awarded eight Beige Flags for this race, more than any other race this season. Flags for constructors include fire and a polar bear, but also the death of Sir Frank Williams. Frank, we salute you with our pallid little flag.

Read on for all the points in Saudi Arabia.

Monday, 6 December 2021

Pitlane Punt: The 2021 Chump Punt (closed)

 

2021 Chump Punt: play this pitlane punt

PITLANE PUNT: THE 2021 CHUMP PUNT

This weekend's Abu Dhabi grand prix will decide the 2021 F1 champion. That much we know.

But never mind the champ. Who will be the chump?

Predict which driver will lose the championship on Sunday. A straight choice. Lewis or Max. Read on to play this Punt.

Wednesday, 24 November 2021

Standings after the Qatar grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Qatar grand prix. (Full Qatar round-up here.)

No change at the top. It'll be interesting to see how the Boost Button rush in the final two races will threaten our relatively Boost-deprived front-runners. VroomDoom nick 4th place from Pierre Ghastly, while Lou-sers race up to their equal season best of 15th place.

Bottas's tyre deflated in Qatar, but his Losers points swelled. He moves up to 6th place in the driver rankings, while AlphaTauri and Aston Martin swap positions once again in the constructors listing.

Read on for the full Standings following the Qatar grand prix.

Losers team scores: Qatari grand prix

Antonio Giovinazzi calling the job centre

BIGGEST LOSERS IN QATAR

  • Panda Pops popped to top spot in Qatar thanks to two Boost Buttons (woah!), which tripled their points to 114. Their Pitlane Punt loss and Fast Forecast win cancelled each other out.
  • Giovinazzi getting sacked worked out well for the Boosted Lou-sers, scoring 84 points and 2nd place.
  • 3rd place goes to NEEEOOOOWWWW with 53 points, with Mazepin, oddly, being their least scoring team member.
  • Haas Beens enjoyed their best result for five races, with 52 points and ensuring 4th place in Qatar.
  • With no help from Boost Buttons, Cruthers Car Co. scored a brilliant 51 points and 3rd place. Thank goodness for those punctures, huh.
  • Tardi Minardi complete our list of high scorers, with 47 points and 6th place

Carry on reading for all the Losers team action in Qatar.

Race points: Qatari grand prix

Fred and Barney in a Flintstones car, with Fred saying "WE AIN’T NEVER GONNA GET A PUNCTURE IN THIS, NICHOL-- ER, I MEAN, BARNEY!"

Pop. Bang. Whoosh. That's the sound of tyres bursting at the Qatar grand prix, with one of those tyres ensuring Bottas's position as the biggest losing driver of the race. It's also the sound of Giovinazzi's F1 career: his sacking by Alfa Romeo means he joins Bottas as the top loser in Qatar.

Williams beat Haas to the position of top losing constructor at this race, with both Russell and Latifi having their own tyre tantrums. Honestly, you can't trust tyres. This is why the Flintstones cut the bottoms out of their cars so they could scamper along with their feet. Hopefully, this will be introduced in the new car spec for 2022.

Read on for all the points in Qatar.