Wednesday, 23 June 2021

Losers Team standings after the French grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the French grand prix.

No change at the top. LockedDownLosers played their DRS and enjoyed a bump from 16th place on the season loserboard to 11th. Further down the table, The Tour de France is Better snuck from 13th place to 16th. You're going the wrong way, you silly sausage! 

In the driver rankings, "impetuous" Tsunoda finds himself overtaking Schumacher for 3rd place. And Leclerc leapfrogs Russell, Vettel and Raikkonen as he rises from 9th to 6th. Ferrari was full of fails in France and find themselves moving up from 7th to 5th in the constructor rankings

Read on.

Losers Team points: French grand prix

A man standing in front of an ATM saying "here goes"

THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN FRANCE

The French grand prix was surprisingly entertaining, like a grandfather who impersonates Taylor Swift, or a blancmange that knows tap dance. Although the focus was on Verstappen's risky race strategy, our eyes were further down the field. How did our Losers Teams fare at Circuit Paul Ricard?

In one sense, the usual suspects picked up points in France, so there were fewer surprises than usual. In another sense, erm, um... look! A performing blancmange! Look at it wobble! Ha ha ha, it's got tap shoes! Look!

Right, we think we got away with that. How did the Losers Teams do? And why have we got a picture of ATMs? Read on to find out more.

Driver & constructor points: French grand prix

Bottas looking pensive, thinking "I wonder if Haas will take me"

Before we get into the Losers Points given to drivers and constructors at the French grand prix, we really must read you this letter we've just received. It has a Finnish postmark. Not sure who it's from.

"Dear F1 Losers League. Have you any jobs going? I am very experienced at driving cars at just under the speed they're meant to go. My favourite number is 77 and Wikipedia says I like the band The Offspring. I can do work experience. I make a mean cup of coffee. Please give me a job. I've got my performance review soon and I'm a bit worried. Does the F in F1 stand for Finland? I hope so."

Thanks for getting in contact, anonymous letter writer. We'll, er, get back to you. Shall we get on with the Losers Points in France? Yes, let's. Read on.

Tuesday, 22 June 2021

Losers Team standings after the Azerbaijan grand prix

VroomDoom and Team Name retain the top two positions in the F1 Losers League. Tardi Minardi sneaks ahead into third place, but only just. Meanwhile, after a triple-points treat in Azerbaijan, Pierre Ghastly rockets from 14th place to 5th, leaving them just one point ahead of Panda Pops. Read on.

Losers Team scores: Azerbaijan grand prix

A puppy with a toilet roll saying "I WILL NEVER ENTER THE F1 LOSERS LEAGUE DUE TO MY LACK OF OPPOSABLE THUMBS"

THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN AZERBAIJAN

Ouch. That hurt. Sergio Perez winning in Azerbaijan really stung some of our Losers Teams. Especially with it being a DRS (Double Race Scores) grand prix, which means every point lost was an extra kick in the gut.

Still, let's look on the positive side. All over the world, there are cute puppies playing with toilet rolls. There are fields of lambs frolicking on sunlit hillocks. And one Losers Team was very clever indeed, manipulating their DRS in Azerbaijan to great effect. We are in awe. Read on to find out more.

Driver & constructor points: Azerbaijan grand prix

Verstappen kicking the ruined tyre of his F1 car while saying "faster, dammit"

If there's one thing we learn in Baku, it's that every Formula One grand prix should be just two laps long.

The Azerbaijan race had some dramatic moments, especially with Stroll and Verstappen's tyres failing at such high speeds. But it was the standing restart for the final two laps of the race that had the most drama. The smoking brakes, the missed corner, Mark Webber screaming in the studio.

This led to two drivers breaking their duck in 2021. Lewis Hamilton and Max Verstappen scored their first Points of the season. Yes, they've earned plenty of minus-25 Race Win Penalties. But this was the first time they notched up positive Losers Points. This is massive news, and we will be ringing the FIA to tell them.

This leaves us with just one lone driver that is yet to get a single Losers Point so far this year. This is shocking to us, and we can't bear to mention his name. It rhymes with Rando Boris.

Let's slap on the losers lotion and bask in warm glow of failure at the Azerbaijan grand prix. Read on.


Saturday, 29 May 2021

Losers Team standings after the Monaco grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Monaco grand prix.

After being tied with Tardi Minardi, a clever Pitlane Punt ploy leaves VroomDoom in a solo first place in the F1 Losers League. Meanwhile, Team Name shoot from 11th place to second place. 

In the driver standings, Schumacher and Bottas are now joint third, dropping Latifi to fifth. Not much change for the constructors, although it's worth noting that McLaren broke their duck in Monaco, scoring their first two Losers Points of the season. Read on.

Losers Team scores: Monaco grand prix

A disconsolate Charles Leclerc saying "Can't believe I didn't enter the Pitlane Punt"
 
THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN MONACO

The Monaco grand prix was all about Charles Leclerc and his home race woes. To borrow an analogy from a different sport, he faced an open goal with no defenders, and then he uprooted the goalposts and threw them into the nearest marina.  

Not only did he top the points by squandering his poll position so badly, Leclerc's disaster vastly affected the result for Losers Teams in Monte Carlo. Any Team that played the Charles Chance Pitlane Punt, successfully betting on Leclerc not finishing in the top six, got themselves stacks of points.

Let's shimmy around hairpin and peer into the tunnel of doom as we explore the fate of the Losers Teams points in Monaco. Read on.

Driver & constructor points: Monaco grand prix

A Ferrari F1 car being hoisted above the track with a distant crowd member saying "hold on, that's cheating"

What an amazing moment. Charles Leclerc netted poll position at his home grand prix in Monaco, the first Monegasque to do so in 80 years. Not only that, it was Ferrari's first poll position since 1066, when the prancing horse was an actual horse, and the hapless race director featured all the wrong things on the Bayeux Tapestry.

So when Leclerc dinged his driveshaft and failed to make the grid for the race, we knew this was a true F1 Losers League moment. The spirit of loserdom drifted in from the docks and settled on the narrow streets: the yachts sunk a little lower in the water; the chandeliers in the hotels lost their sparkle. Monaco, you are ours now. Mwhahahahaha...

...Er, sorry, where were we? Oh yes. What could have been a boring procession to the finishing line, which it was because it's Monaco, turned into a key loser moment of the year. Poor Charles. He inevitabley scooped up Losers Points along with Ferrari, but what about the rest of the Monaco mêlée? Read on.

Pitlane Punt: Wildlife Wager

Wildlife Wager: play this Pitlane Punt

PITLANE PUNT: THE WILDLIFE WAGER

The punt:

  • Bet on an animal making an unexpected appearance at any of the next five grand prix weekends.
Everyone loves a fluffy thing, and we don't mean Pierre Gasly's attempt at a beard. Will our superstar racing drivers be upstaged by a stray kitten or an angry wombat? Read on to play this Punt.