Wednesday, 14 September 2022

Standings after the Monza grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Monza grand prix.

Vlad Maz, as they're known to their mates, keep a decent lead in the F1 Losers League. However, Strolling the ranks reach 2nd place for the first time, Tardi Minardi and Hot Hot Hovercraft shoot up the standings, while Spoiler Alert reach their highest position so far this year. There's hope for everyone.

After sixteen races, Haas and Williams find themselves on 226 points each. They're connected like a double yolker, with an equal amount of egg on their face.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Monza grand prix 2022

An Aston Martin engineer spraying smoke at someone, saying "Here, have some points, loser"

BIGGEST LOSERS IN MONZA

  • 1st  |  Tardi Minardi  |  111
  • 2nd  |  Strolling the ranks  |  103
  • 3rd  |  パンダポップ  |  100
  • 3rd  |  What Verstappened  |  100
  • 5th  |  Group Team Name  |  97
  • 6th  |  Steady Jordan  |  96
Read on for the commentary page for the Monza grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Monza grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Monza grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes.

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Monza grand prix 2022

Jets doing a fly-by, with one saying "Faster! We're catching the safety car!"

The F1 Losers League would like to congratulate the safety car for winning the 2022 Italian grand prix in Monza. Its strategy was genius: pop out towards the end of the race, and make everyone stay behind until the finish line. Ferrari could learn a thing or two.

At the other end of the field, the Track Points in Monza were loaded towards Sebastian Vettel and Aston Martin. A double retirement for the green team. Seb was left to rue a wasted weekend at the very circuit at which he claimed his first ever F1 win. He called the Aston Martin car the "slowest of all".

Which is wrong. Because the safety car is an Aston Martin too. And that was the fastest car of all because it won the race. Silly Sebastian.

Read on for all the Track Points in Monza.

The Suzuka Bazooka

The Suzuka Bazooka: play this Pitlane Punt now

Japanese racing driver Yuki Tsunoda was disappointed when his home grand prix was cancelled in 2021 due to the pandemic. At last, in 2022, he gets to be an F1 star in front of his home crowd at Suzuka!

What could possibly go wrong.

Bet that Tsunoda won't finish the 2022 Japanese grand prix. Read on to play this Punt.

Wednesday, 7 September 2022

Standings after the Dutch grand prix 2022

Here the latest standings following the 2022 Dutch grand prix.

Vladimir Mazepin and their sister team Nikita Putin maintain their stronghold at the top of the F1 Losers League. What Verstappened reach a new high of 4th place. Further down, Camber Gamblers achieve a season best of 14th.

There's not much change in the driver standings, with Bottas, Sainz and Norris making gains further down that loserboard. Meanwhile, in the constructor standings, it's all-out war between Haas and Williams, with number one spot changing yet again.

Read on for the full Standings.

Losers team commentary: Dutch grand prix 2022

Pigeons peck grass just over the racing line, with the alarming message LAP TIMES DELETED

BIGGEST LOSERS IN THE NETHERLANDS

  • 1st  |  Hot Hot Hovercraft  |  122
  • 2nd  |  Mancunian Badboy Racing  |  117
  • 3rd  |  Steady Jordan  |  107
  • 4th  |  Camber Gamblers  |  98
  • 5th  |  Nikita Putin  |  94
  • 6th  |  What Verstappened  |  91
Read on for the commentary page for the Dutch grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

Losers team data: Dutch grand prix 2022

Here is the complete Losers team data page for the Dutch grand prix. It features all the Losers team scores at this race, including Track Points and points from Boosts, Forecasts, Punts and Ejector bribes.

For the commentary page featuring just the Losers team highlights, see the commentary page.

Carry on reading the data.

Track Points for drivers and constructors: Dutch grand prix 2022

Mechanics adjust Yuki Tsunoda's seatbelt, with Yuki saying "LEFT A BIT, RIGHT A BIT,  OH YEAH, THAT’S THE SPOT"

This race report is written by Yuki Tsunoda.

The Dutch grand prix was a fun weekend and I was delighted to come away with the most points. It was a shame about people throwing flares on the track. Wait. No, not flares, Dolphins. Handbags? What were they throwing on the track, again? Let me just loosen my seatbelt so I can think straight. I'm so confused. I'd best stop writing before I get anything else wrong. No, wait. My team tells me everything's fine. I'm continuing to write. Let's carry on. Thanks to Valtteri Bottas's retirement, Alfa Romeo top the constructors points alongside my own team AlphaTauri. How delightful. Oh no. This keyboard feels loose. Something's broken. I'm stopping writing after all. Am I, though? Dolphins? Seatbelts? Pigeons? Handbags?! I'm so confused.

Read on for all the Track Points in the Netherlands.

Tuesday, 6 September 2022

Credit where it's due: here comes Losers Loan Sunday

Losers Loan Sunday

We're delighted to announce that 18th September 2022 is Losers Loan Sunday.

We all need help at the moment. Bills are mounting and there's bad news at every corner. Even Liz Truss seems really worried about fish markets.

On Losers Loan Sunday, every team in the League will receive 13 points credit. These 13 points are to be "spent" before the end of this month.

With the 13 points, you can:

  • Put it towards Pitlane Punt stakes, so if you fail, credit points will go towards paying your stake.

  • Put it towards Fast Forecasts, so if you fail, credit points will go towards paying your 5-point loss.

  • Buy a one-race micro-Boost (worth an extra one-fifth of your Track Points) for 8 credit points.

  • Buy an extra Ejector Seat for 13 points, to be deployed immediately.

You can use your credit across one or some of the above – but you only have 13 points to spend.

For example:

  • You use your credit towards a gamble on the Top of the Crop Stop Punt. But oh no, the Punt fails. You would normally lose an 8 point stake. But you used your credit, so you lose nothing. 8 points of your credit are used up. Your credit is now down to 5 points.

  • You then use your credit towards a Fast Forecast, predicting Verstappen will qualify 16th. You are an idiot and lose 5 points. Except you don't. Your remaining 5 point credit covers your loss. Your credit is now down to zero. Losers loan complete!

You have to specifically request your credit when taking out a team action. If you don't request a credit, it won't apply. The process for doing this is as follows:

  • If you want to put your credit towards a Punt or Forecast, when you write your team name on the submission form, write the word CREDIT afterwards. Like this: "Steady Jordan CREDIT".

  • If you want to buy an extra Ejector Seat for all 13 credit points, submit an Ejector Seat change as normal. As above, when you write your team name on the submission form, write the word CREDIT afterwards. Like this: "Steady Jordan CREDIT".

  • If you want to buy a one-race micro Boost for 8 points, use the special form at the bottom of this page. The form will appear on September 18th.

You can also email and message requests to the usual email address and Twitter account.

You can only enact credits between 18th and 30th September inclusive. Any requests before then will be ignored.

We'll use up your credit requests in strict chronological order of submission. If you use up your 13 credit points – which you may not discover until we publish race results – any later credit requests will fail and you'll lose your usual points as normal. You might as well request a lot as you don't know what will succeed and what will fail!

The 13-point credit is temporary. Ephemeral. Like Daniel Ricciardo's reputation. If you don't use your credit before the end of the month, it disappears.

We already feel better about the fish markets!

THE EJECTOR FORM