If there's one thing we learn in Baku, it's that every Formula One grand prix should be just two laps long.
The Azerbaijan race had some dramatic moments, especially with Stroll and Verstappen's tyres failing at such high speeds. But it was the standing restart for the final two laps of the race that had the most drama. The smoking brakes, the missed corner, Mark Webber screaming in the studio.
This led to two drivers breaking their duck in 2021. Lewis Hamilton and Max Verstappen scored their first Points of the season. Yes, they've earned plenty of minus-25 Race Win Penalties. But this was the first time they notched up positive Losers Points. This is massive news, and we will be ringing the FIA to tell them.
This leaves us with just one lone driver that is yet to get a single Losers Point so far this year. This is shocking to us, and we can't bear to mention his name. It rhymes with Rando Boris.
Let's slap on the losers lotion and bask in warm glow of failure at the Azerbaijan grand prix. Read on.
DRIVER POINTS IN AZERBAIJAN
Giovinazzi, Bottas, Schumacher, Mazepin, Hamilton and Latifi score 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 points respectively for finishing outside the top ten, and yes, Hamilton really did end up one place behind Mazepin. Meanwhile Russell, Verstappen, Stroll and Ocon failed to get to the chequered flag: their DNFs earn 10 points each. We'd give Pirelli points too, but that's against League rules.
Although it wasn't the most memorable retirement of the race, Ocon scores 5 points for his Earliest Exit. Hamilton's moment of mayhem in the final showdown cost him so many places, he gets the Backwards Bonus and 5 bonus points. Perez's shock win loses him 25 points, something which upset quite a few Losers Teams.
We're giving a brace of Beige Flags for drivers in Baku. Latifi earned his first F1 superlicence sanction. He got three penalty points for not following the safety car into the pitlane after Verstappen’s crash. A 10-point Beige Flag to him. Yes, his engineer was probably to blame, but we've made our decision and we're sticking to it. Secondly, we all know about Stroll's dramatic crash when his tyres went ploppy during the race (technical term). What earned him a 10-point Beige Flag was his additional crash: the one in the first qualifying session that caused a red flag, signalling a weekend of chaos, chaos, chaos.
In summary: Stroll 20 | Latifi 16 | Ocon 15 | Russell 10 | Verstappen 10 | Hamilton 10 | Mazepin 4 | Schumacher 3 | Bottas 2 | Giovinazzi 1 | Perez -25
CONSTRUCTOR POINTS IN AZERBAIJAN
Alfa Romeo, Williams, Haas and some young upstarts called Mercedes get themselves a respective 1, 6, 7 and 7 points for finishing outside the top ten. Williams, Red Bull, Aston Martin and Alpine each get 10 points each for their DNFs.
Alpine pick up 5 points for the Earliest Exit, while it's 5 points to Mercedes for the Backwards Bonus. More about the Mercs in a moment. Red Bull, who chalked up a nice bunch of Losers Points in the above paragraphs, lose all of those points because of the minus-25 Race Win Penalty.
Beige Flag time! Amid an ongoing row about flexi-wings, Mercedes' Toto Wolff called Red Bull's Christian Horner a “windbag who just wants to be on camera”. We loved this zinger and it earns Red Bull a Beige Flag worth 10 points. And how can we not give a Beige Flag to Mercedes for [checks notes] installing a "magic button" on Hamilton's car that makes it drive straight on at bends. What? WHAT? 10 points to you, you daft sausages.
In summary: Mercedes 22 | Williams 16 | Alpine 15 | Aston Martin 10 | Haas 7 | Alfa Romeo 1 | Red Bull -5
We're about to face three back-to-back races: the French, the Styrian and the Austrian grands prix. And if you're wondering, the Styrian race is also in Austria. You can use your first Ejector Seat to get rid of one of your not-rubbish-enough drivers if you want. Or wait until the second Ejector Seat is unlocked on June 30th – with two Seats, you can replace your constructor. Heady days.