Before we get into the Losers Points given to drivers and constructors at the French grand prix, we really must read you this letter we've just received. It has a Finnish postmark. Not sure who it's from.
"Dear F1 Losers League. Have you any jobs going? I am very experienced at driving cars at just under the speed they're meant to go. My favourite number is 77 and Wikipedia says I like the band The Offspring. I can do work experience. I make a mean cup of coffee. Please give me a job. I've got my performance review soon and I'm a bit worried. Does the F in F1 stand for Finland? I hope so."
Thanks for getting in contact, anonymous letter writer. We'll, er, get back to you. Shall we get on with the Losers Points in France? Yes, let's. Read on.
DRIVER POINTS IN FRANCE
For finishing outside the top ten in France, Sainz, Russell, Tsunoda, Ocon, Giovinazzi, Leclerc, Raikkonen, Latifi, Schumacher and Mazepin are awarded 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10 points respectively. We would award DNF points for retirements, but every car finished the race. This is a worrying development for the F1 Losers League, and we're hot-footing it to Austria to cut some brake cables.
We can't even award an Earliest Exit bonus because nobody exited the race. They all stayed on the Circuit Paul Ricard, tyres firmly on tarmac, mocking the Losers League with their reliability. At least we get to give someone a Backwards Bonus: terrible tyres saw Leclerc lose nine cumulative places. 10 points to him. And Verstappen spectacularly chased down Hamilton to claim minus-25 for his Race Win Penalty.
We're giving three Beige Flags for drivers' loserly behaviour in France. He'd already been having a difficult season, but it seemed Bottas passed a point of no return during the race weekend. Nico Rosberg said Bottas did a "rubbish job", while Bottas himself reached boiling point when he yelled on the team radio, "Why the [bleep] does no-one listen to me when I say it’s a two-stopper?" Oh dear. 10 points to you, bothered Bottas.
Let's give another Beige Flag to Mazepin, who made a messy move on his team mate Schumacher just five laps into the race. Schumacher was clearly furious with him, but left it to his uncle Ralf Schumacher to tell the media that Mazepin was "overwhelmed" with F1 and that "the two of them won’t go on vacation together". And let's give another Beige Flag to Tsunoda, who failed to set any kind of qualifying time, and was branded by Helmut Marko as "impetuous" and "stubborn".
In summary: Mazepin 20 | Tsunoda 13 | Leclerc 11 | Bottas 10 | Schumacher 9 | Latifi 8 | Raikkonen 7 | Giovinazzi 5 | Ocon 4 | Russell 2 | Sainz 1 | Verstappen -25
CONSTRUCTOR POINTS IN FRANCE
At the French grand prix, the constructors AlphaTauri, Alpine, Ferrari, Williams, Alfa Romeo and Haas netted 3, 4, 7, 10, 12 and 19 respectively for their places in the finishing order. No points for DNFs, as already explained. We have, unfortunately, had to make massive redundancies in our DNF Losers Points Awarding Department.
No Earliest Exit points either, but Ferrari will enjoy receiving the 5-point Backwards Bonus. And Red Bull add to their impressive negative point tally by getting the minus-25 Race Win Penalty.
We're only giving one Beige Flag for constructor performance in France. That Flag, worth 10 points, goes to Ferrari. Way to bust a bubble, you prancing ponies. The Circuit Paul Ricard destroyed their tyres, and their first shock non-result of the season puts the dampeners on a previous performance peppered with pole positions. With car development difficult for all teams this year, team boss Mattia Binotto has warned this disastrous performance will happen again. Uh-oh.
In summary: Ferrari 22 | Haas 19 | Alfa Romeo 12 | Williams 10 | Alpine 4 | AlphaTauri 3 | Red Bull -25
Up next on June 27th, we have the Styrian grand prix, which is really the Austrian grand prix. And then on July 4th, we have the Austrian grand prix, which is also the Austrian grand prix. See these on the season calendar. This feels like that bit in the Matrix when the cat appears twice. On June 30th, we will unlock another Ejector Seat (more about Ejector Seats here).