BIGGEST LOSERS IN MONACO
- In 1st place for Monaco are Work Shop Boys, whose Fast Forecast predictions suddenly came good, whose scores were bolstered by a splattered pigeon, and who brought Haas into their team with perfect timing. 111 points to them.
- Mancunian Badboy Racing find themselves in 2nd with 108 points, largely due to running two Boost Buttons in Monaco.
- It's a Trap Lando lapped up the Track Points at this race, placing them in 3rd with 105 points. They were forced into an automatic Boost, which earned them a impressive haul of 55 extra points.
- My heart will Grosjean also had really good Track Points accompanied by a Boost Button. A perfect combination. 96 points and 4th place.
- Camber Gamblers also enjoyed a decent Boost Button result, even if it was foisted upon them through our automatic Boost system. Their 92 points gets them 5th position in Monaco.
- And Group Team Name scored 92 points, which was good enough for 6th place. A beneficiary of the bird-shredding Wildlife Wager success. Poor pigeon.
TOP TRACK POINTS IN MONACO
Your drivers and constructor earn Track Points for your team, which can then be added to with Boosts, Punts and Forecasts, and improved with Ejector Seats. Here are the Losers teams that earned the most Track Points in this race.
- With almost identical teams, Henry's Motors and What Verstappened each earned 53 Track Points in Monaco, more than any other Losers team at this race. Each of their team members scored at least 10 Track Points, which is very good going.
- Steady Jordan and It's a Trap Lando scooped 50 Track Points each, the latter benefitting from Haas's horrible weekend.
- Work Shop Boys used an Ejector Seat to adopt Haas onto their team in time for Monaco. It was well timed: the Boys racked up 48 Track Points, as did My heart will Grosjean.
In the scores for each race, we highlight the Losers teams that scored the least number of Track Points. They failed to fail, much to our disgust. Each of these teams is banned from any Royal jubilee celebrations; they will have their balloons popped and their bunting recycled into knicker elastic. They'll also be forced to take the following team actions:
PODIUM OF SHAME
- Strolling the ranks had the third worst Track Points tally in Monaco. Their tiny 24 Track Points means they will be made to predict a Fast Forecast for the next race in Azerbaijan.
- With only 20 points, パンダポップ had their lowest Track Points tally of the season so far. It's so embarrassing, we can't look. We'll be handing them a random automatic Pitlane Punt blindfolded.
- Alpine Fresh have had a rough couple of races. They came last in the Track Points table, with just 14. An Ejector Seat change for them, the first of their season.
EJECTOR SEATS IN MONACO
- Cockpit Misfits brought Schumacher into their team, complete with disintegrating car.
- Hot Hot Hovercraft employed Ricciardo.
- In contrast, Scrapyard 17 dumped Ricciardo, instead opting for Zhou.
- Vladimir Mazepin welcomed Stroll into their team.
- What Verstappened got out their litter-picker and hooked themselves a Vettel.
- Work Shop Boys took on Haas, the results of which are mentioned above. They also brought Latifi into their team.
- Alfa Daley were made to play an automatic Ejector seat. They gained an Alonso.
- Also automatically Ejecting were Steady Jordan, who saw Vettel join their Losers team.
- Which brings us to the one team that didn't get an Ejector bribe. パンダポップ took on Sainz. They had a terrible race.
BOOST BUTTONS IN MONACO
- It's a Trap Lando, or It's a Tasty Lemon as we like to call them, had the strongest Track Points boost. Their additional 50 points is topped up by a 5-point Boost bribe. With 48 extra points, My heart will Grosjean were the second-best Booster. Camber 'Cabbage' Gamblers also had a brilliant Boost time, bringing in 46 doubled points.
- In the midfield were the following teams: Vroomer 'Velvet Bean' Doomer with 40 Boosted points, Spoiler 'Smashed Avocado' Alert with 38, Panda 'Peas in a Pod' Pops with 37, Group Team Name with 36, or Guava Tart Nut as we prefer to name them. Also in this list: Double Daley with 35, Alfa Daley with 33, Hot Hot Hovercraft also with 33, and Pierre Ghastly with 30. Mancunian Badboy Racing are also included here: their double-Boost mean they got an extra 72 points, but their Track Points base was average.
- Doing a pretty bad job of Boosting were: Cruther’s 'Juice' Junior with just 28 Track Points, Sainz 'Sexy Tomato' Tropez with 28, Strolling the ranks with 24, パンダポップ on 20 (or, as we often nickname them, 大規模なパースニップ) and, finally, Alpine 'A Fruit' Fresh with only 14 extra points.
FAST FORECASTS IN MONACO
- Albon was the correct choice for the Grid Position Forecast. Points gushed everywhere, as we has correct 20-point guesses from Nikita Putin, Strolling the ranks, Vladimir Mazepin and Work Shop Boys. パンダポップ and Scrapyard 17 made almost-right guesses, and there were eight incorrect predictions that took the shine of some of those 20-pointers.
- The Opening Lap Forecast was stifled by the delayed safety car start, but despite this the two Canadian drivers managed to ditch their cars. That means the joint correct guess for Monaco was Latifi and Stroll. No-one else lost positions, so this Forecast was a waste of time. Everyone got their guesses wrong. Blame the rain and the broken start lights.
- Gasly brought his car home in 11th, meaning he was the correct pick for the Race Result Forecast. Not much luck here either, with almost corrects for Work Shop Boys and an automatic-guessing Cruthers Junior. Losses for everyone else.
- The big news in Monaco is, just as the bet was about to expire for most teams, the Wildlife Wager paid off. Sergio Perez splatted a pigeon during practice, and the Daily Express did a story about it^. Group Team Name, Nikita Putin, Strolling the ranks, Vladimir Mazepin, What Verstappened and Work Shop Boys all win 20 points because they hate animals.
- The Nicholas Nudge landed when Latifi ditched his vehicle in safety car conditions, forcing him to replace his nose. His car's nose, not his actual nose. 18 points each to Alfa Daley, パンダポップ, Nikita Putin, Vladimir Mazepin and Work Shop Boys.
- パンダポップ, Nikita Putin, Strolling the ranks, Vladimir Mazepin and What Verstappened all lose their stakes for the Top of the Crop Stop Punt, which didn't land in Monaco. However, we are giving 18 points to Panda Pops because we forgot their Crop Stop punt in Spain.
- The Williams You Are Really Nothing punt almost came in. Almost. But it didn't. Lost stakes and lost pride for Double Daley, Nikita Putin, Panda Pops, Scrapyard 17, Strolling the ranks, Vladimir Mazepin and What Verstappened
- Sebastian Vettel bossed qualifying, which meant Hot Hot Hovercraft and Your Answer lost the Seb Schlep. A 5-point stake lost for Hovercraft, but nothing lost for Answer because the Punt was automatic.
- Our new Gloomy Schumi Punt was played by Mancunian Badboy Racing (automatic), My heart will Grosjean, Nikita Putin, Panda Pops, Pierre Ghastly, Scrapyard 17, Strolling the ranks, Vladimir Mazepin and What Verstappened. So far so good: still no points for Schumacher.
- And the following teams are placing their hopes on the Badger Dispatcher Punt. Fair dinkums. They are: Mancunian Badboy Racing, Nikita Putin, Strolling the ranks, Vladimir Mazepin and What Verstappened.
The next races on the calendar are Azerbaijan on 12 June and Canada on 19 June. At last year's Azeri grand prix, a tyre disaster ruined Lance Stroll's race and sent him to the top of the driver points, while Mercedes claimed the most constructor points. Fancy a prediction for 2022? Place a Fast Forecast now.
Expect more automatic Boost Buttons for teams that have been lazy with their boosting. In the meantime, with almost a third of the season behind us, you might want to dump your pointless drivers with an Ejector Seat. The sooner you Eject, the more points you could earn. Yank that lever of loserdom now!
Finally, it's time for some bookmaker housekeeping. We're going to review the odds on our Pitlane Punts. Some odds and stakes may change, and one or two Punts may be withdrawn. Worth getting in a flutter before we broom out the cobwebs?