Losers team commentary: Abu Dhabi grand prix 2022

 

BIGGEST LOSERS IN ABU DHABI

1st  |  VroomerDoomer  |  165

2nd  |  Alpine Fresh  |  152

3rd  |  Group Team Name  |  148

4th  |  What Verstappened  |  142

5th  |  Vladimir Mazepin  |  136

6th  |  Tardi Minardi  |  127

This commentary page shows just the Losers team highlights for the Abu Dhabi grand prix. For the full Losers scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.

TOP TRACK POINTS IN ABU DHABI

Your drivers and constructor earn Track Points for your team, which can then be added to with Boosts, Punts and Forecasts, and improved with Ejector Seats. Here are the Losers teams that earned the most Track Points in this race.

🔢 Mick Schumacher's Beige Flag secures Tardi Minardi top Track Points at Yas Marina, with a score of 43

🔢 Smushed together in second place, with a fine 42 Track Points each, are My heart will Grosjean, Scrapyard 17, The Blue Flag Boys and Vladimir Mazepin

🔢 Despite Ricciardo scooping no Track Points at all, Double Daley get 41 and the final spot in this list

This commentary page shows just the Losers team highlights for the Abu Dhabi grand prix. For the full Losers scores, see the data page.

PODIUM OF SHAME

Here are our final three teams that got the least Track Point. Unlike previous races, these teams avoid any consequence. Instead of playing automatic team actions, a cloud of shame shall hang over them like a fat cloud or a low-flying hippopotamus.

😳 Henry's Motors and Steady Jordan were third-from-last with 19 Track Points.

😳 Second from last with 17 Track Points are Sainz-Tropez.

😳 Our last bottom-pointer of the season is Mancunian Badboy Racing, ending the 2022 championship on an impressive low on just 16 Track Points.

Team pages will be updated soon.

EJECTOR SEATS IN ABU DHABI

If you Eject team members and at the next race, you earn more Track Points than the previous pre-Ejected race, you get a 5-point Ejector bribe.

💺  Scrapyard 17, VroomerDoomer: 5-point bribe

BOOST BUTTONS IN ABU DHABI

Here are the teams that played Boost Buttons in Abu Dhabi, with our usual grading.

🔴 Best Boosts: Tardi Minardi, The Blue Flag Boys, Vladimir Mazepin, Double Daley, VroomerDoomer, What Verstappened

🔴 Okay Boosts: Alpine Fresh, Work Shop Boys, Group Team Name, Nikita Putin, Cruther’s Car Co., Spoiler Alert, Cruther’s Junior and less well funded team B

🔴 Bad Boosts: It's a Trap Lando, Hot Hot Hovercraft, パンダポップ, Panda Pops, Alfa Daley, Henry's Motors, Sainz-Tropez, Mancunian Badboy Racing

FAST FORECASTS IN ABU DHABI

Grid Position Forecast  |  Perfect = Magnussen  |  Close = Bottas, Gasly, Zhou, Stroll

Opening Lap Forecast  |  Perfect = no-one  |  Close = Bottas, Ricciardo, Schumacher, Gasly, Russell, Sainz

Race Result Forecast  |  Perfect = Tsunoda  |  Close = Albon, Zhou, Vettel, Ricciardo

🔮 Perfect scores: Vladimir Mazepin

🔮 Close scores: Camber Gamblers, Cockpit Misfits, Nikita Putin, Scrapyard 17 X3,  Steady Jordan X2, Strolling the Ranks, Tardi Minardi X2, Vladimir Mazepin, What Verstappened, Work Shop Boys 

🔮 Wrong guesses: everyone else

🔮 5-point bonuses: Scrapyard 17, Tardi Minardi, Vladimir Mazepin

PITLANE PUNTS IN ABU DHABI

🎲 Success: Best Laid El-Plans Punt  |  Alonso ended his Alpine career with a retirement, and locking in a win for the El-Plans punt   |  Won by: Camber Gamblers, Nikita Putin, Scrapyard 17, Steady Jordan, Strolling the ranks, Tardi Minardi, Vladimir Mazepin , What Verstappened 

🎲 Success: Nicholas Nudge Punt  |  He was nudged into fellow Losers League star Mick Schumacher  |  Won by: Alfa Daley, Camber Gamblers,  Double Daley,  Hot Hot Hovercraft, Nikita Putin, Strolling the ranks,  Tardi Minardi,  Vladimir Mazepin, What Verstappened, Work Shop Boys

🎲 Success: Schu Shoo Punt  |  Mick finally got chucked by Haas, and because he has no 2023 drive, we're giving a 5-point bonus too  |  Won by: Strolling the ranks, What Verstappened 

🎲 Success: Top of the Crop Stop Punt  |  Lewis Hamilton's hugely reliable car broke down, resulting in a surprise Punt win  |  Won by: Nikita Putin, Scrapyard 17, Steady Jordan, Strolling the ranks, Vladimir Mazepin, What Verstappened

❌ Failed: Lax Max Climax Punt  |  Most teams were sensible and avoided this unlikely gamble  |  Nikita Putin, Panda Pops, Vladimir Mazepin, Work Shop Boys

❌ Failed: Prancing Duck Punt  |  Leclerc did well to land second place, and ruin this punt  |  Lost by: Alfa Daley, Camber Gamblers, Cruther’s Car Co., Double Daley, Nikita Putin, Scrapyard 17, Steady Jordan, Vladimir Mazepin 

❌ Failed: Seb's Last Stand Punt  |  In his final race, Vettel sneaked into tenth place - dammit!  |  Lost by: Alpine Fresh, Cockpit Misfits, Nikita Putin, Strolling the ranks, Tardi Minardi, Vladimir Mazepin, What Verstappened, Work Shop Boys

MORE POINTS

Here are the driver and constructor Track Points in Abu Dhabi.

Here is the complete Losers team data for Abu Dhabi.

And here's how it's affected the standings.

Access your personal team page here.

WHAT'S NEXT?

The next F1 Losers League championship will trundle off the starting blocks on 5 March 2023. Entries will open in the new year. Thank you to the teams that participated in this year's competition. You all added absolutely nothing and we are disgusted at your woeful lack of talent. We love you all.

We'll be posting to more social media next year: Twitter, if it's still around, and back on Facebook and Instagram. We're planning on possibly disastrous Track Points tweaks, adjustments to make team actions more frustrating, and a new, cruel bonus point system that will tighten up the scores like firmly clamped nipples.

Keep an eye on our socials - and this website - for when we announce entries opening for 2023. Happy losing, everyone.