Wednesday 29 September 2021

Losers Team scores: Russian grand prix

A graphic from television with Schumacher saying "beep, beep, beep, beep"

Yes, this is a graphic of Mick Schumacher saying "beep beep" while driving a car. Nothing to do with the upcoming commentary. We just wanted to include it.

Russia was the final default-DRS race of the season. Unless your team moved your DRS to an earlier race (looking at you HAASN'T A CHANCE and Panda Pops), all of your points were doubled in Russia.

One team was forced into playing a Pitlane Punt at the last race because of our super irritating tool called Break Assist. Guess what. It paid off handsomely. They won a tonne of points, doubled because of DRS, and sailed into the Sochi sunset, bottle of celebratory Russian vodka in hand.

Not actual vodka. We don't give out prizes at the F1 Losers League. We give out disappointment and bathos. But not prizes.

Carry on reading to see how Losers teams scored at the Russian grand prix.



BIGGEST LOSERS IN RUSSIA

Here we go...

  • A resurgent Mancunian Badboy Racing topped the points in Russia. Their score of 156 was largely thanks to a DRS-doubling of their Ocon Odds-On Pitlane Punt success (see below).
  • Cruthers Car Co. landed 2nd place with 94 Losers Points, with Schumacher and Williams continuing to pour in the points. (See note two paragraphs down.)
  • It was Haas and Latifi that helped Haas Beens to 92 points and joint 3rd. Their namesake is serving them well.
  • Speaking of team names, It’s a trap Lando! could have been the motto for the last few laps in Russia. They score joint 3rd and 92 points as well, largely thanks for Schumacher and Williams. (Edit: We missed some points for Lando! They actually scored 2nd place in Russia, not joint 3rd. Sorry to burst your bubble, Cruthers.)
  • It was a Haas and Latifi combo that helped LockedDownLosers to 92 points in Russia, placing themselves alongside the others in joint 3rd. 
  • And good scoring across the board for NEEEOOOOWWWW put them in joint 3rd with 92 points. So many 92 points.

TEAM ACTIONS IN ITALY

DRS
  • This was the final DRS race of the season, and that system is now decommissioned. Finished. Kaput. Every team except HAASN'T A CHANCE and Panda Pops ran with double points in Russia. DRS is dead. Long live Boost Buttons.

Pitlane Punts:

  • In August, we introduced Break Assist to help struggling teams. At the Monza grand prix, Assist forced a poorly-scoring Mancunian Badboy Racing to play the Ocon Odds-On Pitlane Punt. It worked! Ocon finished in 14th, and Badboy get 60 points doubled by DRS to 120.
  • So many Punts completed at the last race, the only other Punt in play is Steady Jordan's Hungry Hungry Yuki punt. With less than a day to go on the Yuki stopwatch, it looks like this Punt isn't going to land.

Fast Forecasts:

Ejector Seats

  • Pierre Ghastly made a big switcheroo, dumping Williams and replacing them with Haas, and ditching Mazepin (the Pit Garage Rule means you can't have Haas and Mazepin in the same team) and replacing him with Tsunoda.
  • Steady Jordan kicked Giovinazzi out of their team and replaced him with Raikkonen.
  • Every race, Break Assist means the lowest scoring Losers team gets an Ejector Seat automatically played. Last time, that was The Tour de France is Better, so they lost Raikkonen and gained Giovinazzi, a move that already earned them an extra 12 points in Russia.
Take a team action. See your personal team page here, or use the various links above.


PODIUM OF SHAME

There are some terrible things in this world. Marmite. Tea without milk. Love Actually. But nothing is more terrible than a Losers team that forgets how to lose. These are the worst performing teams in Russia.

  • Although they came 22nd and 23rd, Panda Pops and HAASN'T A CHANCE avoid our wrath: they didn't double their scores with DRS, and if they had done, they would have been much higher. 
  • Which means the third lowest scorer in Russia was Not good on the BENds, coming 21st with 44 puny points. Poor scores across the board.
  • Next up on the Podium of Shame are Clean Trolls, whose 30 points leaves them in 24th place. Another zero score from Perez for them. Oof.
  • Not for the first time, Murraylivesforeverinourhearts find themselves in last place with 26 points. All of their team members scored but, well, rubbishly.

Break Assist

Break Assist exists to "help" Losers teams that don't score enough points. And by "help", we mean poke with a burning stick.

  • The randomly-selected low-scoring team picked to make a Fast Forecast is The Pit Lockers. At the Turkish grand prix, they will be predicting an 11th place Race Result for Vettel.
  • The low-point-scoring Losers team that has been randomly selected to gamble on a Pitlane Punt is Not good on the BENds. They are now playing the Hungry Hungry Yuki punt, betting Tsunoda will talk about food any time in the next month. The stake is 10 points (waived by the League) and the odds are 5:1.
  • Here's the cruncher. For ending up in last place, Murraylivesforeverinourhearts are forced into using one of their Ejector Seats. With immediate effect, they lose Stroll from their Losers team. He is replaced with Schumacher.

LOSERS TEAM SCORES IN RUSSIA

1st

Mancunian Badboy Racing

156

2nd

It’s a trap Lando!

102

3rd

Cruthers Car Co.

94

4th

Haas Beens

92

5th

LockedDownLosers

92

6th

NEEEOOOOWWWW

92

7th

Fernando Analonso

86

8th

Thomas's Tractors

86

9th

Gunther's Gonna Get Ya

80

10th

Team Name

80

11th

Nikita Mazepimp

78

12th

Lou-sers

74

13th

Pierre Ghastly

74

14th

The Tour de France is Better

72

15th

Steady Jordan

70

16th

The Pit Lockers

64

17th

VroomDoom

62

18th

WereDrivingInReverse

62

19th

Back of the shed

56

20th

Tardi Minardi

48

21st

Not good on the BENds

44

22nd

Panda Pops

42

23rd

HAASN'T A CHANCE

40

24th

Clean Trolls

30

25th

Murraylivesforeverinourhearts

26

Note: Error corrected in scores for It's a Trap Lando!, moving them from joint 3rd to 2nd in Russia

MORE POINTS

Here are the Race points for Russia.

And here's how it's affected the Standings.

Access your personal team page here.

WHAT'S NEXT?

We next go losing in Turkey on October 10th (season calendar here). With the Lucky Spanner now live and Boost Buttons in place, there's one last big League action for this season– the release of every team's fifth Ejector Seat on October 13th. And to spice up the closing races of the season, we'll release more Pitlane Punts soon.