F1 Losers League champion 2021

Here are the final standings for the 2021 Losers League, following the Abu Dhabi grand prix. (Full Abu Dhabi round-up here.)

HAASN'T A CHANCE is F1 Losers League champion 2021, having not led the League previously this season. They started the year in 19th place, then dropped as low as 21st. But keeping Haas and Tsunoda on their team eventually paid off, as did their persistence in the face of Fast Forecast losses. Their cautious approach to Pitlane Punts starved them of high-stake wins, but it was a late Chump Punt gamble that won the day. Championships decided by a last-gasp moment of mayhem? Who'd have thunk it.

In second place is Team Name, whose 13-race streak in the lead of the Losers League came crashing down in Abu Dhabi. Their instinctive understanding of the betting system of Pitlane Punts was their strength. In their own words, "I thought it would be funny if I came last by gambling all my points away on Punts, but they kept on winning." 

In third place is LockedDownLosers, who ran an extraordinarily tenacious campaign to climb to what was, in the end, a comfortable podium position.

Congratulations too to Nikita Mazepin and his Haas team for being driver and constructor champions. Team boss Guenther Steiner said at the start of the year that points will be hard to come by. Not in the Losers League.

Thank you to everyone who competed in 2021. It's been a lot of fun. We'll run the League again in 2022, as we continue to celebrate the blunders and backmarkers of Formula One.

Read on for the final Standings following the Abu Dhabi grand prix.

Losers team scores: Abu Dhabi grand prix

BIGGEST LOSERS IN ABU DHABI

• With their Boost Buttons exhausted, HAASN'T A CHANCE faced a potentially disastrous race. But they dug deep with some seriously risky Pitlane Punts, and topped the scores with 264 points.
• Back of the shed and Mancunian Badboy Racing claim joint 2nd in Abu Dhabi thanks to a rip-roaring Race Points result, bolstered by their Boost Buttons. 210 points each.
• Outside title challenger LockedDownLosers did a decent job on just one Boost Button, nailing 183 points and 4th place, although they were a more averse to Punts than usual.
• Just behind them were Not good on the BENds in 5th with 180. They would have got more if they hadn't kept the low-scoring Gasly on their team.
• Pierre Ghastly came 6th with 171 points: another good Punter.

Carry on reading for all the Losers team action in Abu Dhabi.

Race points: Abu Dhabi grand prix

The end of an era: that's what they're all saying. And what a thrilling run it has been. Never again will we witness such a dominating performance in a rookie season as Nikita Mazepin's. He ended it all in the most loser-y way possible: by qualifying last then catching Covid and missing the race. He easily topped the points in Abu Dhabi. We salute you, king of spins.

Alfa Romeo topped the constructor points for the first time since the Portuguese grand prix. A possibly demotivated Kimi Raikkonen retired mid-race with brake problems (the car, not him), while Giovonazzi had his own terminal technical trouble. Williams follow just behind with their own double retirement, one of which caused a dramatic end to the race – not sure what happened: we never watch the front of the race.

A whole bunch of retirements at Yas Marina, including retirement points for Nikita not turning up. It's always fun when this injects a whole load of extra points into our Losers team scores.

Read on for all the points in Abu Dhabi.

Standings after the Saudi Arabian grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Saudi Arabian grand prix. (Full Saudi Arabia round-up here.)

A terrible Saudi Arabian grand prix leaves Team Name in trouble. After the summer break, their lead was over 500 points. The latest race result sees their lead slashed from 224 to 60 points. With clever teamplay from their rivals, they could lose this. They could lose a Losers League. The shame! Or the pride? It's very confusing.

Lots of changes on the loserboard thanks to the Boost Button mayhem, with Panda Pops nipping up to 4th place and WereDrivingInReverse the highest riser. Russell is now one of the top six worst drivers. What happened, George? Aston Martin and AlphaTauri swap positions for the millionth time.

Although Mazepin and Haas have their championships sewn up, there could be a shock in the F1 Losers team championship. Read on for the full Standings following the Saudi Arabia grand prix.

Losers team scores: Saudi Arabian grand prix

BIGGEST LOSERS IN SAUDI ARABIA

• LockedDownLosers topped the scores in Saudi Arabia, a combination of Boosts, Forecasts and Punts giving them the edge. 262 whole points to them. They scored 15 more points from Pitlane Punts than their bitter rival HAASN'T A CHANCE...
• It's remarkable that HAASN'T A CHANCE got 2nd place with 231 points considering they weren't Boosted at all. Again, they threw a load of Forecasts and Punts at the race. They scored 15 more points from Forecasts than their bitter rival LockedDownLosers...
• Mancunian Badboy Racing's two Boost Buttons helped them to 3rd place and an impressive 225 points.
• Panda Pops had an incredible Race Points tally, as did anyone with Williams and Mazepin on their team. A Boost and a Punt topped this up: they get 207 points and 4th place in Saudi.
• Despite only scoring one measly point from Stroll, WereDrivingInReverse secure 5th place and 160 points.
• NEEEOOOOWWWW did the best job of Boost Buttons in the race, although the Buttons were pressed automatically on December 1st rather than through their own choosing. 6th place and 153. Thank us later, NEEE. Can we call you NEEE?
• Worth nothing that the worst scoring team in Saudi Arabia was Team Name. Have a look at the Standings to see how this has affected the season scores.

Carry on reading for all the Losers team action in Saudi Arabia.

Race points: Saudi Arabian grand prix

In the real Formula One race in Jeddah, two determined drivers battled in increasingly erratic ways in one of the tensest championship battles for some time. In the Losers League, Mazepin and Haas topped the points. Again. What a predictable and normal 2021, huh?

Neither Haas car could cope with the Saudi Arabia circuit, a high-pressure tube of a racetrack not unlike the Large Hadron Collider – only dustier and more likely to destroy someone's universe. Schumacher's retirement earned him Early Exit points and Verstappen a free pitstop. Mazepin's restart crash triggered a second red flag and the absolute chaos that was to come for the rest of the race. You do YOU, Haas.

This supercollided plenty of points at the cars, resulting in a great points haul for Losers teams. AlphaTauri got their fourth Backwards Bonus in three races, and we handed out a hefty number of Retirement points. We awarded eight Beige Flags for this race, more than any other race this season. Flags for constructors include fire and a polar bear, but also the death of Sir Frank Williams. Frank, we salute you with our pallid little flag.

Read on for all the points in Saudi Arabia.

Pitlane Punt: The 2021 Chump Punt (closed)

 

PITLANE PUNT: THE 2021 CHUMP PUNT

This weekend's Abu Dhabi grand prix will decide the 2021 F1 champion. That much we know.

But never mind the champ. Who will be the chump?

Predict which driver will lose the championship on Sunday. A straight choice. Lewis or Max. Read on to play this Punt.

Standings after the Qatar grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Qatar grand prix. (Full Qatar round-up here.)

No change at the top. It'll be interesting to see how the Boost Button rush in the final two races will threaten our relatively Boost-deprived front-runners. VroomDoom nick 4th place from Pierre Ghastly, while Lou-sers race up to their equal season best of 15th place.

Bottas's tyre deflated in Qatar, but his Losers points swelled. He moves up to 6th place in the driver rankings, while AlphaTauri and Aston Martin swap positions once again in the constructors listing.

Read on for the full Standings following the Qatar grand prix.

Losers team scores: Qatari grand prix

BIGGEST LOSERS IN QATAR

• Panda Pops popped to top spot in Qatar thanks to two Boost Buttons (woah!), which tripled their points to 114. Their Pitlane Punt loss and Fast Forecast win cancelled each other out.
• Giovinazzi getting sacked worked out well for the Boosted Lou-sers, scoring 84 points and 2nd place.
• 3rd place goes to NEEEOOOOWWWW with 53 points, with Mazepin, oddly, being their least scoring team member.
• Haas Beens enjoyed their best result for five races, with 52 points and ensuring 4th place in Qatar.
• With no help from Boost Buttons, Cruthers Car Co. scored a brilliant 51 points and 3rd place. Thank goodness for those punctures, huh.
• Tardi Minardi complete our list of high scorers, with 47 points and 6th place

Carry on reading for all the Losers team action in Qatar.

Race points: Qatari grand prix

Pop. Bang. Whoosh. That's the sound of tyres bursting at the Qatar grand prix, with one of those tyres ensuring Bottas's position as the biggest losing driver of the race. It's also the sound of Giovinazzi's F1 career: his sacking by Alfa Romeo means he joins Bottas as the top loser in Qatar.

Williams beat Haas to the position of top losing constructor at this race, with both Russell and Latifi having their own tyre tantrums. Honestly, you can't trust tyres. This is why the Flintstones cut the bottoms out of their cars so they could scamper along with their feet. Hopefully, this will be introduced in the new car spec for 2022.

Read on for all the points in Qatar.

Standings after the Brazil grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Brazil grand prix. (Full Brazil round-up here.)

Pierre Ghastly follow a great Mexican grand prix by rising another place up the standings. Further down the loserboard, Tardi Minardi and Clean Trolls jump up another couple of places. But it's Nikita Mazepimp, who didn't choose to but still won a Pitlane Punt, that are the stars of the show, jumping up five places.

In the drivers list, both Ferrari drivers are on the way down. Stroll moves ahead of Leclerc and Norris moves ahead of Sainz. While in the constructors championship, Aston Martin and AlphaTauri have swapped places again. Jeez, get a room, you two.

Read on for the full Standings following the Brazil grand prix.

Losers team scores: Brazilian grand prix

BIGGEST LOSERS IN BRAZIL

• Nikita Mazepimp ran away with the points at the Sao Paulo grand prix after being forced to play a Pitlane Punt due to Break Assist (see below). 150 points and 1st place to them.
• It was a strong showing for several Boosted teams, with Pierre Ghastly claiming 2nd place with 83 points, Tardi Minardi nailing 3rd with 68 points and Lou-sers getting 4th place and 54 points.
• So it was all the more impressive that Clean Trolls find themselves in the top six in Brazil without a Boost Button advantage. Mazepin, Tsunoda, Stroll and Alfa Romeo all scored double-points for Trolls. 53 points and 5th place for them.
• LockedDownLosers redeem themselves after their Mexico malaise, claiming 6th place with 52 points.

Carry on reading for all the Losers team action in Brazil.

Race points: Brazilian grand prix

Don't mess with Mercedes' Toto Wolff. Cross him and he will point at you and then he will say a swear word. Does his Red Bull rival Christian Horner know that Toto's middle name is Christian. No, really. Look it up on Wikipedia. Oops, sorry, Toto. We'll stop talking about you. Stop pointing. STOP POINTING.

Lance Stroll's underwhelming retirement ensured that he and Aston Martin were the biggest losers at Brazil's São Paulo grand prix. It was such an unnoticeable retirement. We can't even remember the reason for his DNF. Disappointment, probably. More of note is the fact that Ricciardo and McLaren each had by far their biggest score of the season.

Plenty of Backwards Bonus points in Brazil, and of course we couldn't wait to foist a Beige Flag on Verstappen and on Mercedes for their South American shenanigans. Red Bull doesn't just give you wings: it feels them up too. 

Read on for all the points in Brazil.

Standings after the Mexican grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Mexico grand prix. (Full Mexico round-up here.)

Pierre Ghastly jump two places up the loserboard and are now knocking on VroomDoom's door for 4th place. Lots of teams switched position, but perhaps the most relevant move was poor It’s a trap Lando! who end up in a season-worst 24th place in the standings.

Incidentally, we upgraded our spreadsheets a few weeks ago, and we let a gremlin in. We've denied Pierre Ghastly a load of points from having Giovinazzi on their team. We also forgot to take a stake payment off them back in Belgium. All in all, they were 15 points short across the season, so we've retrospectively topped them up.

In the driver rankings, Russell has nudged ahead of Gasly, while in the constructors' contest, Aston Martin and AlphaTauri continue to duke it out for 3rd place.

Read on for the full Standings following the Mexico grand prix.

Losers Team scores: Mexican grand prix

BIGGEST LOSERS IN MEXICO

This was a great race at which to run a Boost Button: it dislodged the US grand prix as the third highest scoring race of the year. Here are the biggest losers in Mexico City.

• Pierre Ghastly spotted our sweary new Motormouth Pitlane Punt and made good f***ing use of it. Their massive Punt win plus a Boost Button gave them 186 points and 1st place in Mexico, 99 points ahead of their nearest rival.
• Bottas's woes helped Tardi Minardi to 2nd place with 87 points. A well-placed Boost Button, there.
• Team Name benefitted from high scores from Tsunoda and Haas alongside a Boost, scoring 3rd place and 75 points in Mexico.
• HAASN'T A CHANCE have become very good at Fast Forecasts. Even without a Boost Button, they find themselves in 4th with 55 points.
• And then we have a gaggle of Losers teams in 5th place with 53 points, namely Cruthers Car Co., Steady Jordan and The Pit Lockers. Well done YOU.

Carry on reading for the full Losers team carnage in Mexico.

Race points: Mexican grand prix

At the start of the Mexico grand prix, all eyes were on Bottas. However, his pole position advantage barely lasted one corner of the race, beaten off the line by his rivals and then spun round to claim a comprehensive 5-point Backwards Bonus. After his spun, all of Bottas's eyes were on the back end of Ricciardo as the Aussie blocked the frazzled Fin for much of the race.

Mazepin topped a lowly last place with a nightclub altercation to ensure he was the biggest losing driver in Mexico City. He was closely followed by Tsunoda and Schumacher, whose own first corner drama gave them joint Earliest Exit points.

AlphaTauri beat Haas to the title of worst constructor in Mexico, which is remarkable considering their driver Gasly earned zero Losers points. Getting an engine / power unit change penalty didn't help. Read on for all the points in Mexico.

Pitlane Punt: The Motormouth (closed)

PITLANE PUNT: THE MOTORMOUTH

F1 drivers are a role model to millions, akin to Princess Diana, Jesus or Cher. We hang on their every word.

However, sometimes drivers say bad things. Dirty things. Words that make us cry.

Bet on a chosen driver swearing over team radio at a selected grand prix, as captured on F1's YouTube's "best of" radio round-up videos. Read on to play this Punt.

Pitlane Punt: The Broken Woking (closed)

PITLANE PUNT: THE BROKEN WOKING

Woking's favourite export McLaren have been a revelation this year, with Norris challenging the front-runners and Ricciardo snatching a win in Monza. Third place in the constructors championship looks likely for 'team papaya'.

But what if the papaya gets trampled on by a prancing horse at the last minute? The hooves are getting louder...

Bet that Ferrari will finish this year's constructor's championship at least ten points ahead of McLaren. Read on to play this Punt.

Pitlane Punt: Brazil Shunt Punt (closed)

PITLANE PUNT: BRAZIL SHUNT PUNT

At the last two Sprint races, Hamilton and Verstappen found themselves out of position and ended up colliding on the racetrack.

Will the same happen in the third Sprint race of the year?

Bet that Hamilton and Verstappen will collide during the Brazil grand prix. Read on to play this Punt.

Standings after the US grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the US grand prix. (Full US round-up here.)

In a F1 Losers League first, HAASN'T A CHANCE challenged our ruling on a Punt pay-out^, and was successful. This means HAASN'T A CHANCE keep hold of second place in the League, and are now nipping at the heels of Team Name. LockedDownLosers stay in third place. The biggest riser was Not good on the BENds.

Gasly shot up the driver rankings, rejoining the top ten worst drivers of the season. Meanwhile in the constructor listings, Aston Martin and AlphaTauri both make gains, although neither look set to challenge the dominance of Haas and Williams.

Read on for the full Standings following the US grand prix.

Losers Team scores: US grand prix

BIGGEST LOSERS IN THE USA

The US grand prix was an epic battle of team actions between the top three teams in the F1 Losers League, with Team Name, HAASN'T A CHANCE and LockedDownLosers playing eight Pitlane Punts and ten Fast Forecasts between them. Plus all three ran Boost Buttons.

• HAASN'T A CHANCE scored the most points in Texas, a fact we previously missed when we initially declared they had lost the Romeo Oh Romeo punt (see below). They did in fact win the punt and find themselves at the top of the scores.
• Team Name scored 2nd place in the USA with 112 points. More than half of these points came from Team Name's penchant for well-played Pitlane Punts (see below).
• In 3rd place was Not good on the BENds with 90 points, helped by a Punt win and a terrible race for Gasly.
• LockedDownLosers landed 4th place, with good gains across the board from team actions.
• With 81 points and 5th place, it's Tardi Minardi – a poor race points haul was saved by Pitlane Punt success. 
• Despite being let down by a decent performance from Tsunoda, Cruthers Car Co. boosted their way to 6th place and 60 points.
• Honourable mention: A double-whammy of disasters from Gasly and Alpine gave Murraylivesforeverinourhearts a solid 57 points and 7th  place at the US grand prix.

God bless this unites states of losers. Carry on reading for the full Losers team scores in the US.

Race points: US grand prix

Even without the Beige Flag festooned upon him, Pierre Gasly easily topped the driver points at the Circuit of the Americas. After a dalliance with Bottas, he retired in the early stint of the race with suspension issues.

It was constructor Alpine who had the biggest shocker, though. An engine change demoted Alonso to the back of the grid, which earned Alpine a Beige Flag. Both cars coped badly with the bumpy nature of the track. Ocon complained that "the track needs need some work for next year" while Alonso was left wondering if the bumps had wrecked his rear wing. Both cars retired: complete wipe-out.

None of this dampens the F1 Losers League's campaign to install speed bumps at all Formula One circuits. Really tall ones. And maybe a few hump-backed bridges you usually get over countryside streams. And roadworks. Lots of roadworks. Cones everywhere!

Sorry. Getting distracted. With 156 Losers points given out, it was the third highest scoring race of the year. Read on for all the race points given in the USA.

Standings after the Turkish grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Turkish grand prix.

LockedDownLosers nudge up to third place in the standings, and are only 30 off second place. Haas Beens also rise a place, while The Tour de France is Better overtakes Steady Jordan. WereDrivingInReverse suffered the biggest fall, down two places.

Vettel and Giovinazzi each rise two places in the driver rankings, while Bottas tumbles five places after his triumph in Turkey. Pah. Interestingly, Perez and Norris have not scored any race points since August. As for the constructors, Haas extend their massive lead, while the battle for third between Alfa Romeo and Aston Martin is nail-shreddingly close

Read on for the full Standings following the Turkish grand prix.

Losers Team scores: Turkish grand prix

Let's get straight into it.

BIGGEST LOSERS IN TURKEY

• LockedDownLosers threw everything at this race, winning a Punt, losing a Punt, and getting correct and nearly-correct Fast Forecasts (see team actions below), They also pressed a Boost Button. Their average score of 31 was doubled, then inflated to 152 total points once their Punt and Forecast winnings were added on.
• In contrast, Panda Pops did naff all. They just scored well, bringing in 54 Losers points for second place in Turkey, no doubt helped by Vettel's shockingly bad race result and Beige Flag-earning tyre change calamity. Minimal effort, big result, super cool.
• In third place is Not good on the BENds with 38 points, relying largely on Mazepin turning a stonking qualifying performance into a spin (not his fault) and last place.
• NEEEOOOOWWWW and Nikita Mazepimp take joint fourth with 37 points, helped by Mazepin and Haas respectively.
• And in sixth is Lou-sers, who also have Haas on their team. 35 points to them.

Carry on reading for all the lovely Losers team scores for the Turkish grand prix.

Race points: Turkish grand prix

Welcome to the Japanese grand prix, which ended up in Turkey, hence the Red Bull cars displaying Japanese script that wasn't in Turkish, and Japanese racing driver Yuki Tsunoda being interviewed about being in Turkey instead of Japan. Confused?

The Turkish grand prix saw victory for Valtteri Bottas, but more importantly the most victorious loser was Nikita Mazepin who converted a 20th place in qualifying into an heroic 20th in the race. Vettel had a moment of madness when he switched to slick tyres on a damp track, sending him skating into the Losers points. And Alonso hit so many cars, he went from 6th to 16th.

That Bottas win carries a minus-25 Race Win Bonus, the sixth driver to receive such a points penalty so far this season. A costly result for some Losers teams. Will ever they learn? No they will not. You just watch: at the Texas grand prix later this month, someone will win the race again. Pfffrt.

As for the constructors, Haas had another hapless race, with only Ferrari and Mercedes scoring zero points or lower. Read on for all the race points given in Turkey.

Pitlane Punt: The Mazespin (closed)

PITLANE PUNT: THE MAZESPIN

Something fundamental has changed in the tectonic plates of Formula One. The end of Mercedes' dominance? The retirement of Kimi? No. Nikita Mazepin has stopped sending his car into a spin.

Surely this is not the end of the Maze-spin?

Bet on Nikita Mazepin spinning his car on a specified grand prix weekend. Read on to play this Punt.

Pitlane Punt: Carlos Car Loss (closed)

 

PITLANE PUNT: CARLOS CAR LOSS

Ferrari have been resurgent this year, putting behind them the woes of their past.

However, there's a chink in their red armour.

Bet on Carlos Sainz will break his car on a specified grand prix weekend. Read on to play this Punt.

Pitlane Punt: Better Than Vettel (closed)

PITLANE PUNT: BETTER THAN VETTEL

Daddy's boy Lance Stroll continues to land better race results than multiple world champion Sebastian Vettel, with Vettel's biggest podium moment of 2021 ending in disqualification.

Can this continue?

Bet on Sebastian Vettel finishing a selected race at least five places behind his teammate Lance Stroll. Read on to play this Punt.

Standings after the Russian grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Russian grand prix. (Race points here. Losers Team scores here.)

Mancunian Badboy Racing had a cracking Russian race and move up four places on the loserboard, albeit only to 20th. Fernando Analonso and Nikita Mazepimp edged up two places apiece, and the biggest fallers were Tardi Minardi and Not good on the BENds.

Schumacher re-took 2nd place in the drivers' standings, while McLaren and Mercedes swap back positions further down the table. Mercedes are back into negative scores.

Read on for the full Standings following the Russian grand prix.

Losers Team scores: Russian grand prix

Yes, this is a graphic of Mick Schumacher saying "beep beep" while driving a car. Nothing to do with the upcoming commentary. We just wanted to include it.

Russia was the final default-DRS race of the season. Unless your team moved your DRS to an earlier race (looking at you HAASN'T A CHANCE and Panda Pops), all of your points were doubled in Russia.

One team was forced into playing a Pitlane Punt at the last race because of our super irritating tool called Break Assist. Guess what. It paid off handsomely. They won a tonne of points, doubled because of DRS, and sailed into the Sochi sunset, bottle of celebratory Russian vodka in hand.

Not actual vodka. We don't give out prizes at the F1 Losers League. We give out disappointment and bathos. But not prizes.

Carry on reading to see how Losers teams scored at the Russian grand prix.

Race points: Russian grand prix

In a sense it was back to normal in Russia. Hamilton winning it for Mercedes, incurring our minus-25 point Race Win Penalty, and Haas and Williams topping the Losers points. Except, of course, it wasn't a normal race. It wasn't a normal race at all.

Lando Norris, the least losing driver not to have won a race, had a victory dashed by the most inept weather forecast management since Michael Fish told us to wear flip flops and shades. And every constructor in the universe, it seemed, overused their annual engine allocation, incurring heavy grid penalties.

We have, of course, recognised this with our trusty Beige Flags.

Don't have a Moscow, man. Read on for all the race points given to cars at the Russian grand prix.

Standings after the Italian (Monza) grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Italian grand prix. (Race points here. Losers Team points here.)

In the space of just two races, Team Name find their lead halved. There are rises up the loserboard for NEEEOOOOWWWW (up six places), Panda Pops (up three), LockedDownLosers (up two) and Not good on the BENds (up two).

Tsunoda now finds himself as the second worst driver of the season, moving ahead of Schumacher. Gasly shoots up three places, while Ricciardo, who had the audacity to win in Italy, drops from 13th to 17th. Alfa Romeo and Aston Martin swap places in the constructor standings, as do McLaren and Mercedes, the latter moving into positive point position for the first time in two months.

Read on for the full Standings following the Monza motorcar fun.

Losers Team scores: Italian (Monza) grand prix

There was something animalistic about the way Max Verstappen's car humped Hamilton at the Italian grand prix. Very scary too. Which all seems relevant because, finally, the Wildlife Wager paid off in Italy. That poor frightened rabbit.^

Not only that, but as well as the Giantkiller paying out because of Ricciardo's win, the Merc Merk Pitlane Punt paid out because of Bottas quitting Mercedes. It finally happened! This gave a huge points influx for those wily Losers Teams that spotted then played the punt. Suddenly what seemed like a dominant season win for Team Name looks shaky – see the latest standings here.

Read on for the Losers Teams scores for the Italian grand prix.

Race points: Italian (Monza) grand prix

Daniel Ricciardo won in Italy. He's nicknamed the honey badger because he, er , has a sweet tooth and likes rutting in people's back gardens. Meanwhile, Hamilton and Verstappen were humping each other like rabbits. For the F1 Losers League, this is all irrelevant. There was one massive loser in Italy and that was the sad panda that was AlphaTauri.

What a woeful weekend for the Red Bull b-team. The 2020 Italian grand prix winner Pierre Gasly crashed out of the sprint session after hitting Ricciardo, winning him the inaugural 5-point Sprint Fail (see our points system here). He was then delegated to the pitlane for the start, and then exited the race on lap three with suspension failure.

Meanwhile Yuki Tsunoda, subject of a very special Pitlane Punt, crashed in the sprint session and was then wheeled away from the grid at the start of the race because of a brake issue. He didn't even get off the line. 

All this at AlphaTauri's home race. Their score of 45 points is higher than any constructor all season.

Read on for all the race point drama in the Italian grand prix.

Double the fun: DRS is being replaced by Boost Buttons

The F1 Losers League is ditching the DRS (Double Race Scores) system. We're throwing it out, and not even using the recyling bins. Off to landfill for DRS.

This month, we will replace DRS with Boost Buttons. Press a Boost Button and immediately start scoring double points. One press. Bang. That's it.

We'll explain more about Boost Buttons in a moment. The problem with DRS was it relied on F1 jargon, with the wider meaning of "DRS" only being known by people well into F1. We want the League to be accessible to more people than that. A Boost Button is a more understandable concept. Everyone loves pressing buttons.

DRS also involved calendar homework, which was a faff. Pitlane Punts, which are definitely here to stay, are enough of a mind melt without us adding to that.

Here's what will happen. Tomorrow, the DRS system will freeze. There is one more default DRS race in Russia, and a couple of teams are playing DRS for Monza this weekend, but that's it. No more changes to DRS.

On September 27, each Losers Team will be given two Boost Buttons. They can be pressed at any point until the end of the season. The Buttons will appear on your personal team page.

Press a Boost Button and double your race scores for the next TWO races. You can even press both at once, tripling your next two race scores.

We should point out that Boost doubling applies only to race points picked up by Losers Teams, and not to points gained or lost from team actions such as Punts. Also, if you can't be bothered to press your Boost Buttons, or you're busy with other things such as watching paint dry or pulling the legs off spiders, fear not. All unpressed Buttons will be automatically pressed on 1 Dec, giving us lots of multiple scores for the last two races of the season.

There you have it. A big change for the F1 Losers League, but a good one. The boostiest buttons since Jenson!

Standings after the Netherlands grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Netherlands grand prix. (Race points here. Losers Team points here.)

Team Name's lead is slashed by over 140 points, while LockedDownLosers shoot from 12th place to 6th. Tardi Minardi had a shocker, dropping six places, and there were also two-place drops for Back of the shed, Fernando Analonso (the name that keeps on giving) and WereDrivingInReverse.

Our Netherlands hero Giovinazzi moves up three places in the drivers' standings, with moves up the table too for Raikkonen (with Kubica currently standing in for him) and Ricciardo. In the constructors standings, Williams have now opened up a gap to third place, with Alfa Romeo now hot on the heels of Aston Martin.

Read on for the full Standings following the Netherlands race.

Losers Team scores: Netherlands grand prix

Such drama! Such action! So many thrills and spills! No, not the Dutch grand prix, which essentially involved everyone not overtaking home hero Max Verstappen should they be besieged by legions of orange-clad Max fans. We mean the Losers Team scores. Amazing!

A minor prang for Giovinazzi on the opening lap not only cost him aero ability, it also meant a pay-out for the Romeo Oh Romeo Pitlane Punt (bet that an Alfa Romeo car will hit something) and a successful Fast Forecast for the one team that bet he would lose position on the opening lap.

Such a small incident, but with consequences that would define the Losers results in the Netherlands. A bit like Jesus feeding the five thousand, but with Losers Points instead of fish. Come to think of it, we've never seen Jesus and Giovinazzi in the same place at the same time. Iiiinteresting...

Incidentally, there was no Raikkonen in this race. For the Netherlands, and for the next race in Italy, it will be Kubica scoring points for that car instead.

Read on for the Losers Teams scores for the Netherlands grand prix.

Race points: Netherlands grand prix

The F1 Losers League is so impressed at the steep banking at the Dutch grand prix circuit, the following report is being written on a wonky chair with a gradiant of 30 degrees. A hardback copy of 'Microwave Meals For One' under one chair leg. Feels just like turn three at Zandvoort.

Raikkonen missed the race because of Covid, so if you have Raikkonen on your team, you earned points with his replacement Kubica. You also picked up Raikkonen's Beige Flag points, so double bonus.

While everyone was obsessing about Russell's future, our eye was on the debate surrounding Giovinazzi's future. Doubts about his ability to retain his seat, along with a performance that crumbled from a decent qualifying place into oblivion, made him the biggest losing driver at the Dutch grand prix. This also had a big effect on this race's Losers Team scores.

The other big news was Williams. Russell's disastrous final few laps helped the team to their biggest score of the season so far, even beating Haas. Welcome back to the realms of loserdom, Williams.

Read on for all the race point drama in the Netherlands.

Tool up with the Lucky Spanner

The Lucky Spanner is now available to all Losers Teams.

Imagine it's Christmas Day. You grab a present from underneath the tree, the one with the sparkliest wrapping paper. You tug at the sellotape and rip away the wrap. Inside you find... a spanner.

"Thanks," you sigh, faking a smile to the family you secretly hate as you feel the weight of dozens of Christmases to come.

You all now have a spanner! The Lucky Spanner can only be used once. It self-destructs your entire team, randomly replacing all your team members (with some caveats – see the Lucky Spanner page). You then start scoring points with your newly respawned Losers Team. 

If you're scoring decent points in the Losers League, then you won't need the Lucky Spanner. In fact, it's best avoided, like poison ivy, quicksand and Piers Morgan. 

However, if you're in the points doldrums and can't be bothered with all this Forecast and Punt business, wield the Spanner. Nuke your team. Start afresh!

Waggle that spanner now.

Standings after the Belgian grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Belgian grand prix. (Race points here. Losers Team points here.)

Team Name extended their lead by over 200 points. If their score was height in metres, they would be one and a half Burj Khalifas tall. The biggest mover was WereDrivingInReverse, who rose four places. Clean Trolls jumped up three places, and Thomas's Tractors two. Panda Pops, Cruthers Car Co and The Tour de France is Better all lost ground.

Schumacher, Perez and Ocon all moved up the driver standings. while a strong Belgian finish for Ricciardo saw him drop three places. The constructor standings remained static, with Haas adding over 20 points to their lead.

Read on for the full Standings following Belgium.

Losers Team scores: Belgian grand prix

While the FIA was giving out half scores – pah! – the Losers League gave out loads of full-blooded double scores because (a) we are generous and wise and ever so fabulous, and (b) it was a default DRS (Double Race Scores) grand prix so we had to do it because that's how the League works.

August has seen some changes in the F1 Losers League. This race introduces Fast Forecasts, in which teams can make low-risk predictions. We have also introduced a disruptive new results tool Break Assist, which spells trouble for your team if you don't score enough points.

Good job we have these new additions because there wasn't much to talk about at the shortest grand prix in history. 

Read on for the Losers Teams scores for Belgium, all newly formatted to make everything so much more transparent.

Race points: Belgian grand prix

We should abandon this race summary after the first couple of words. Two words. Done. There's our full summary. It would be no worse than pulling a race after a couple of laps.

Fortunately, the F1 Losers League cannot be hampered by incessant rain. Belgium may have been the biggest washout in F1 history, but the real damp squibs are right here in our race points. Six Beige Flags! Red Bull getting the Backwards Bonus two races in a row! Hamilton's toilet trauma told so beautifully over his team radio!

Perez took the spoils for the drivers at the Belgian grand prix, and even without Beige Flags, Haas prove themselves again as ultimate losers on the top of the calamitous constructor pile. Read on for the full and definitely not halved Belgian race points.

Break Assist: a new portal of chaos for the F1 Losers League

 

It has become clear to the F1 Losers League that there are teams wallowing in the lower ranks of the competition, seemingly happy with their half-hearted embrace of loserdom. You're like Coldplay fans, gently bopping to your drizzle-grey sonic mulch.

No more. Break Assist is here.

When we publish race results, we produce a lovely big table of Losers Teams scores. Starting from the Belgian grand prix, we're introducing Break Assist, a special results tool which will effectively grab that points table and bash it with a hammer.

How will Break Assist work? Let's start with the team that ends up in last place in the race results, taking star place in our Podium of Shame. Whichever team scores least will have an Ejector Seat automatically triggered. Bang! Just like that. Whether they like it or not, the least losing team will have their lowest scoring driver dumped.

The League will randomly pick a replacement – with a couple of caveats. We won't include 2021 grand prix winners and we'll abide by the all-important Pit Garage Rule. That team will then be down an Ejector Seat and will have a slightly adjusted team.

Break Assist doesn't stop there. Another team randomly selected from the bottom quarter of the scores will be forced to play a Pitlane Punt. The Punt will be selected by the Losers League using our IMMENSE wisdom and/or a blindfold and dart board. If the Punt fails, the League will waive any stakes payable.

There's more. Another team randomly picked from the lowest half of the scores will be made to play a Fast Forecast. Again, this will be selected by the Losers League, and if it fails, the League will waive any point losses incurred.

Why are wading in like a frazzled head teacher looking for an innocent pupil to shout at? Because we want to tighten up the scores, and this slightly chaotic intervention seems like a good way of doing it.  It'll increase involvement, and hopefully get some teams earning more Losers points. Some teams are clearly not broken enough, and in the spirit of loserdom, we want to break you more.

We have a couple more ideas for Break Assist, but we won't launch them until the 13th race of the season. There's a clue in that number...

We understand that Break Assist might be upsetting, but it's not us you're letting down. You're letting down yourself. Now take this letter home to your mother and we'll chat again on parents' day.

The F1 Losers League is a fantasy league like no other. Welcome to the new portal of havoc that is Break Assist.

Quick – make your Fast Forecast now. Quick! Quicker!

While the real Formula One teams take their summer break, the bunch of slackers, we are hard at work upgrading the F1 Losers League.

The first big change is Fast Forecast. This is a new team action in which you choose a driver, then predict an outcome for them at the next race. Read on to find out more.

Use your Ejector Seats to make your team worse

From today, every Losers Team has a third Ejector Seat. This is enough to replace a driver AND a constructor. Trigger those seats! Pow!

Here's our guide on how to approach Ejector Seats. Warning: contains a greedy duck. Read on.

Standings after the Hungarian grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the Hungarian grand prix. (Race points here. Losers Team points here.)

Team Name easily extend their lead, hitting a milestone of a thousand Losers Points. Panda Pops, Haas Beens and WereDrivingInReverse all rise two places. LockedDownLosers plummet six places after their Punt predicament, and there were smaller drops for The Pit Lockers, The Tour de France is Better, Steady Jordan and Lou-sers.

In the driver rankings, Bottas barges his way to 3rd place, while man of the match Ocon drops from 9th place to 15th. As for the constructors, Alpine scaled great heights, so they find themselves tumbling from 4th to 7th, while Aston Martin vroom their way from 5th to 3rd. 

Read on for the full Standings following Hungary.

Losers Team scores: Hungarian grand prix

You know that bit in the Usual Suspects where the guy turns out not to be the guy you thought he was and everyone was like "loooool it's him!" and everyone else was like "I know right?!"

At the Hungarian grand prix, you were watching the wrong car. You were all obsessing about Bottas, who topped the driver points, but actually it was all about Raikkonen causing chaos in the pitlane. Kimi's snafu earned a big score for one particular Loser's Team.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that you're allowed to drive into other cars in the pitlane. Read on for the Losers Teams scores for Hungary.

Race points: Hungarian grand prix

Every time I go bowling, have a narrow window of genius. It's usually between the third and fourth pint, and it lasts for about three balls. For Bottas, it only took one strike to be a Losers League genius. Let's have a look at the results of a most remarkable Hungarian grand prix.

By the way, the British grand prix had been the highest scoring race for drivers and constructors this season, with a tally of 152 race points, followed by Bahrain and Austria scoring in the 140s. The Hungarian race smashed that, with 202 points given to drivers and constructors, depending on Vettel's appeal. That's pretty massive.

Another fact? Williams scored zero points for the first time this season.

Read on for the Hungarian race points haul.

Pitlane Punt: Geunther's Plucky Sluggards Punt (closed)

PITLANE PUNT: GUENTHER'S PLUCKY SLUGGARDS PUNT

You have to hand it to Haas boss Guenther Steiner. He knew this year's car would be trash, and yet his boys Mazepin and Schumacher drive on regardless despite always finishing last. Guenther's plucky sluggards march on. Slowly.

But how slow?

Bet that the two Haas cars will finish in the last two places in a specified grand prix. Read on to play this Punt.

Pitlane Punt: The Hungry Hungry Yuki Punt (closed)

PITLANE PUNT: THE HUNGRY HUNGRY YUKI PUNT

Note: this Punt is now closed

Every Formula One driver is hungry for success. But AlphaTauri rookie Yuki Tsunoda is hungry for something less metaphorical. He loves food. He loves it and he can't stop talking about it^.

But will he keep talking about it?

Bet that Yuki Tsunoda will talk about food any time in the next month. Read on to play this Punt.

Losers Team standings after the British grand prix

Here are the latest standings following the British grand prix.

HAASN'T A CHANCE really do have a chance, jumping up to second place on the loserboard and cutting into Team Name's lead. Further down the list, Gunther's Gonna Get Ya jump from 9th to 6th place, and Murraylivesforeverinourhearts retake their position at the very bottom of the rankings.

There are lots of changes in the driver rankings. Gasly, Alonso and Ricciardo move up three places, with Vettel moving up four. The all-too-successful Bottas, Leclerc and Giovinazzi tumble down the order. As for the constructors, it's a two-place rise for AlphaTauri, a two-place fall for Aston Martin, and a too-right reinstatement into negative point territory for Mercedes.

Read on.

Losers Team points: British grand prix

THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN BRITAIN

The cheering crowds were lovely to hear at the British grand prix. What an atmosphere. They were no doubt cheering for the F1 Losers League, because there were 11 Pitlane Punt wagers active at Silverstone, making this the most punted race of the season. 

The crowd is an idiot because every Punt failed. Ocon finished well, which was a failure for the Ocon Odds-on. Hamilton won, which negated the Giantkiller. Bottas kept his job, so that messed up the Merc Merk. A herd of geese didn't invade the Haas garage, so that put paid to the Wildlife Wager fail for this particular race.

And worst of all, the one-off Best Of British Pitlane Punt came to nothing because a British driver didn't retire. By and large, Losers Teams have gained hundreds of points using Pitlane Punts, but this was a stinker.

See the effects of this below. Here are the Losers Team results for Britain. Read on to find out more.

Driver & constructor points: British grand prix

 

It's official. The jury is out on whether the sprint qualifying session worked. That's what the commentators kept saying. "The jury is out." Who is this jury? And do they have tickets to the race? We don't trust this mysterious jury.

What is certain is that Perez and Red Bull suddenly decided to be losers. The F1 Losers League is proud. They scored highly at the British grand prix, although one familiar constructor name took their usual position at the top of the terrible rankings at Silverstone.

British fans got the British winner they wanted. This is lovely: the Losers League CEO has watched Coulthard win at the British grand prix twice. However, this was a bad omen for the special Best Of British Pitlane Punts. Jump to the Losers Team points to see how that went.

Meanwhile, let's have a look at the drivers and constructors. Who got into the spirit of Britain? Who poured a lovely cup of tea, popped a corgi into a bowler hat, and did really bad at sport? Read on.

Pitlane Punt: Romeo Oh Romeo (closed)

  

PITLANE PUNT: ROMEO OH ROMEO

In the words of Shakespeare, "A pair of star-crossed drivers claim the racing line, whose misadventured piteous overtakes doth with their crashes earn you a tonne of Losers points."

The Alfa Romeo drivers Raikkonen and Giovinazzi do sometimes like to crash into things – just ask Vettel in Austria. Not sure if it's a comedy or tragedy, but it's certainly an opportunity for a gamble.

Bet on an Alfa Romeo car hitting any another car – or even just a barrier – during a specified grand prix weekend. Read on to play this Punt.

Pitlane Punt: The Merc Merk (closed)

 

PITLANE PUNT: THE MERC MERK

"Merk." Street slang. Definition? To kill someone, taken from the word 'mercenary'. Since popularised in a more metaphorical sense by grime star Stormzy.

When will Mercedes merk Valtteri Bottas? When will they do away with their troubled number two driver? Not literally, obviously.

Bet that the Mercedes F1 team will drop Valtteri Bottas any time in the next three months. Read on to play this Punt.

Losers Team standings after the Austrian grand prix

Have a read of the points given in the Austrian grand prix and how some Losers Teams benefitted enormously. And now let's see how it has affected the season standings.

We have a new leader of the F1 Losers League. Team Name threw everything at the wall, and one big Punt / DRS combo paid off. Not bad for a team that started season in 20th place. LockedDownLosers continue their march up the loserboard, moving from 8th to 4th. The biggest drop was by Cruthers Car Co., who fell from 10th to 15th.

Mazepin is now just shy of 100 points as the biggest losing driver. Bottas rises from 5th to 3rd. Meanwhile, in the constructors rankings, Haas increase their lead to 17 points while AlphaTauri faltered in Austria and find themselves jumping from 6th to 4th.

Read on for the full points.

Losers Team points: Austrian grand prix

THE BIGGEST LOSERS IN AUSTRIA

Although none of the weather predictions came true at the Austrian grand prix, there was certainly a perfect storm in the F1 Losers League. This is going to take some explaining.

In the last week of June, we launched a new Pitlane Punt. The Ocon Odds-On offered a bet that Esteban Ocon wouldn't finish in the top ten in a specified race. Four Losers Teams took the bait, gambling that Ocon would fail at the Austrian grand prix. And fail he did, breaking his car's suspension on just the third corner of the race.

At 3:1 odds, it would have been a substantial enough pay-out, but with Double Race Scores (DRS) applied, the F1 Losers League ended up giving out more points than Oprah Winfrey gives out cars. We try to balance potential Punt earnings as a percentage of average race scores, to give teams a healthy but controllable boost. But this mix of Punt winning and DRS doubling was a massive boost for some. It was like getting a rocket, fitting it with rockets, then firing it into the heart of the sun which turns out to be a rocket.

Let's have a look the Losers Teams' performance in Austria. You may need to sit down. Read on to find out more.