BIGGEST LOSERS IN MIAMI
- Your Answer topped the points at the Miami grand prix. 1st place with 152 points looks impressive. However, read on: their Boost Button usage was nothing less than an unmitigated disaster.
- They boosted! They punted! They ejected! Their forecasted! Nikita Putin well and truly earned themselves 2nd place with 141 points.
- Vladimir Mazepin nailed the Miami 5-0 Pitlane Punt. 3rd place and 140 points for them, just 1 point behind sister team Nikita Putin. Do we detect some jealousy brewing?
- A solid performance underpinned by a good Track Points boost was the key to Pierre Ghastly's 128 points and 4th place in Miami.
- Henry's Motors also did well with the Miami 5-0 Punt and a Boost Button. 5th place and 94 points, thank you very much.
- And My heart will Grosjean rounds up our Miami top six with 77 lovely points.
TOP TRACK POINTS IN MIAMI
Your drivers and constructor earn Track Points for your team, which can then be added to with Boosts, Punts and Forecasts, and improved with Ejector Seats. Here are the Losers teams that earned the most Track Points in this race.
- Double Daley topped Miami with 64 Track Points, the highest Track Point score for any team since Saudi Arabia. Magnussen and McLaren were the chief contributors to their success.
- Just behind them are Group Team Name, this time with an unlucky Aston Martin helping them to a decent haul of points.
- Tied on 59 Track Points are Nikita Putin and Pierre Ghastly. With Nikita's recent Ejector Seat change, they now have identical line-ups – with team members that all scored double figures in Miami.
- Spoiler Alert scored a stonking 56 Track Points, with Magnussen's first DNF of 2022 certainly helping.
- Despite a paltry single point from Alonso, Strolling the ranks were right up there too, their 55 Track Points finishing off our list of fabulous Florida failures.
At every race, we draw your attention to the Losers teams that scored the fewest Track Points. Each one of these teams is dead to us. We're leaving their messages on read. We're ghosting them. We're cutting them out of our photograph albums and weeping silently at what could have been. More importantly, we're forcing these chumps to play some compulsory team actions for the next race in Spain.
PODIUM OF SHAME
- Cruther’s Junior and less well funded team B find themselves in the Podium of Shame for a third time. Their 23 Track Points earn them an automatic Fast Forecast.
- Your Answer equalled a dismal Australia performance with 19 Track Points. An automatic Pitlane Punt will be shoved down their throat.
- It's an automatic team change via a compulsory Ejector Seat for Steady Jordan, who scored a feeble 14 Track Points. That and a good old fashioned rap on the knuckles.
EJECTOR SEATS IN MIAMI
- パンダポップ brought in Haas to their Losers team. Geuther's furious.
- Nikita Putin ended their brief dalliance with Gasly, replacing him with Schumacher.
- Vladimir Mazepin took on Magnussen.
- Scrapyard 17 and What Verstappened had automatic Ejector Seats, both taking in Ricciardo in favour of Tsunoda and Stroll respectively.
BOOST BUTTONS IN MIAMI
- If Boost Buttons were a game of Risk, the spoils would go to Russia and France. Nikita Putin and Pierre Ghastly each gained an extra 64 Boost points, including 5-point Boost bribes for excellent Track Point boosting. Both will boost again in Spain.
- The average Track Points score in Miami was 39. Circling around this area like a fake yacht in a fake marina were Vladimir Mazepin, who added 49 points to their score, Henry's Motors, with an extra 37 points, and My heart will Grosjean, who picked up an additional 36 points.
- What Verstappened and Your Answer flopped in Florida. Verstappened only added 24 boosted points to their score, while Your Answer did so badly they ended up in our Podium of Shame. Their five Boost Buttons added 95 to their score, but they'd have hoped for in excess of 200 points for that number of Boosts. That's going to hurt as the season progresses.
FAST FORECASTS IN MIAMI
- The correct choice for the Grid Position Forecast was Magnussen. Tardi Minardi were bang on and get 20 points. Nikita Putin, Panda Pops, Scrapyard 17, Strolling the ranks, Work Shop Boys, What Verstappened and Vladimir Mazepin all get 5 points for being close. There were eight other 'freebie' guesses that were totally wrong and cost their guessers nothing.
- Teams should have plumped for Stroll for the Opening Lap Forecast for losing a disastrous 10 places on the first lap of the race, or Vettel or Russell who lost 10 places between them. Six other drivers also lost places, so there was plenty of opportunity to get points here. Your Answer scored a bullseye, earning them 20 points. The following teams were close and get 5 points: Cockpit Misfit, Pierre Ghastly, Tardi Minardi and What Verstappened, plus Group Team Name who were made to make an automatic Forecast. Nine other Forecasts were well wide of the mark, all of them 'freebie' guesses apart from Team Name who lose five points.
- There was a lot of post-race result shuffling as a number of drivers moved around the order due to time penalties. No-one predicted 11th place for Alonso in the Race Result Forecast. However, Camber Gamblers, My heart will Grosjean, Scrapyard 17, Steady Jordan, Team Name, Tardi Minardi and Strolling the ranks can all take consolation – and 5 points – for being almost correct. Again, there were nine totally wrong Forecasts, with only one losing 5 points: sorry, Your Answer.
- Serena and Venus Williams were very excited about the Miami 5-0 Punt. They wouldn't shut up to Martin Brundle about it. If you picked Gasly, Latifi, Magnussen Norris, Vettel or Zhou for your 5-0, you landed the Punt successfully. That means 10 points to Alfa Daley, and 20 points each to Henry's Motors, Vladimir Mazepin and Your Name. Slam dunk! There were stake losses for Double Daley, パンダポップ, Nikita Putin, Panda Pops, Scrapyard 17, Strolling the ranks, Team Name, What Verstappened, Work Shop Boys and, facing no losses due to their Punt being automatic, Hot Hot Hovercraft. Spare a thought for Panda Pops / パンダポップ who told us on Twitter^ they misread the punt. True loserly behaviour.
- It was touch and go, but a last-lap retirement from Kevin Magnussen was enough to ensure Nicholas Latifi was second-last across the finish line. A lovely 18-point Williams You Are Really Nothing Punt win for Nikita Putin, Steady Jordan, Scrapyard 17, Team Name and Vladimir Mazepin, with 9-point wins going to What Verstappened and Your Answer.
- The Nicholas Nudge Punt came to nothing, so stake loss misery for Panda Pops.
- In a super close qualifying, Vettel missed Q3 by 0.086 seconds. This means nothing to the Seb Schlep Punt, which failed to land and lost stake points for Hot Hot Hovercraft.
- The Top of the Crop Stop Punt has been surprisingly reliable so far, tempting many teams to take a punt in Miami. Didn't land. Ah crap. Like moths to a house fire go the following stake-losing teams: パンダポップ, Nikita Putin, Strolling the ranks, Team Name, Vladimir Mazepin, What Verstappened, Work Shop Boys and Your Answer.
- Alligators! Pelicans! Manatees! Florida has loads of wildlife, and not a single one of them showed up at the Miami circuit. Time is running out for the teams playing this punt, namely Group Team Name, Nikita Putin, Strolling the ranks, Vladimir Mazepin and What Verstappened. Having just played it recently, Work Shop Boys have a bit more time on the clock.
We had 98 team actions in Miami. Amazing. Things will no doubt calm down for the Spanish and Monaco grands prix, on May 22 and 29. (See the 2022 F1 calendar.) Both often aren't terribly exciting races, with Barcelona being a familiar testing ground, and Monaco with all the inflexibility of a Scalextric set. However, maybe a level of predictability would be good for playing Pitlane Punts and Fast Forecasts.
Some Losers teams are less engaged in the League than others. That's okay: people have busy lives. If you have neglected to do anything with your team this year, we will be in touch to suggest some team actions you could take. Most likely Ejector Seats.
And watch out for a bonanza of Boost Buttons in Monaco as a load of neglected Buttons get automatically pressed by the League.