Tuesday 22 March 2022

Losers team commentary: Bahrain grand prix 2022

Verstappen and Leclerc racing side-by-side, Verstappen saying "YOU CARRY ON, MATE. I’VE GOT TRACK POINTS TO EARN"


  • Bahrain's top loser is パンダポップ. Yes, that's their name. Netting 90 points overall, they earned double-figure Track Points each from Vettel, Verstappen and AlphaTauri, while they made a couple of very well-predicted Fast Forecasts.
  • In a distant 2nd place is Your Answer, the new team created by last year's League runners-up Team Name. They scored 59, mostly from healthy Track Points and some Fast Forecasting.
  • Steady Jordan took a big risk playing a Boost Button so early on, but it worked out smashing for them. 3rd place and 55 points in Bahrain.
  • Nikita Putin, set up by last year's podium sitters LockedDownLosers, threw a bunch of Fast Forecasts at the wall, but their strength was in a decent number of Track Points. 4th place and 54 points
  • With 50 points, placing 5th at the Bahrain grand prix, is Nikita Putin's sister team Vladimir Mazepin. Oligarchs ahoy!
  • And rounding up this top six is Cockpit Misfits, a total newcomer to the F1 Losers League who scored 45 points. Welcome!

This is the commentary page for the Bahrain grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's scores, see the data page.

Carry on reading this commentary.


Your drivers and constructor earn Track Points for your team, which can then be added to with Boosts, Punts and Forecasts, and improved with Ejector Seats. Here are the Losers teams that earned the most Track Points in this race.

  • Picking Verstappen for their team turned out well for パンダポップ, who top the Track Points in Bahrain. 45 points. Nice work.
  • Following closely behind, just like the new F1 cars, are Nikita Putin, Sainz-Tropez and Your Answer. Ricciardo's painfully bad race played a part in all of these teams' 44 Track Points hauls.
  • That early exit by Gasly ensured 37 Track Points for the pleasingly-named Hot Hot Hovercraft.
  • Vettel's beige flag was a factor in Cockpit Misfits and Scrapyard 17 each getting 31 Track Points. The latter team is brought to us by last year's League champions HAASN'T A CHANCE.

This is the commentary page for the Bahrain grand prix, featuring highlights of the Losers team action. For this race's full Losers team data featuring everyone's Track Points, see the data page.


Sometimes Losers teams forget how to lose. At every race, we will highlight the three teams that scored the *fewest* Track Points. In fact, we're so disgusted at their non-loser leanings, we're going to force them to do things. Horrible things. If your team is listed here, we'll be in touch with more details.
  • Cruther’s Junior and less well funded team B only scored 10 Track Points in Bahrain, placing them in 28th. They will be forced to play a Fast Forecast at the next grand prix.
  • It's a Trap Lando came away from Bahrain with a pathetic 6 Track Points and 29th place. Are you TRYING to upset us, Trap? Once Pitlane Punts are launched, they will be made to play a Punt.
  • In last place with 4 Track Points, making them the Eddie the Eagle of the F1 Losers world, but it's Eddie doing the parallel bars instead of ski-jumping, is Work Shop Boys. The Boys will be forced to press an Ejector Seat, replacing one of their drivers. And, even worse, the League will decide the driver and their replacement.


No-one played Ejector Seats in Bahrain. This is because it was the first race of the season. Playing an Ejector Seat before the opening race would have been stupid, like eating a meal before you've cooked it, or getting naked before going clothes shopping. Wait. Does that make sense? Anyway, you get the point.


  • All hail a brilliant early Boost from Steady Jordan, whose decent haul of Track Points earned them a 5-point Boost bribe. 35 extra Boost points to them.
  • Cruther’s Car Co. also played one of their Boost Buttons, but their Track Points score of 14 was weak. Only 14 extra Boost points for them.
  • It was the same for last year's 4th-placed team Pierre Ghastly, who also gain only 14 extra points from their Button bashing.

All three of these teams will remain boosted for a second race, the Saudi Arabian grand prix this weekend.

If your team goes half-a-dozen races without any Boost Button activity, we'll automatically press one of your Buttons. Like the above teams, you can take control of this: Boost for the next race now.

    Remember, it's 20 points for an exactly correct Forecast, 5 points if it's almost correct, and minus-5 if it's wrong.
    • We offered a 5-point Forecast bribe if a team made two correct Fast Forecast predictions in one race. Step forward Panda Pops' sister team パンダポップ  who correctly guessed an Opening Lap drop for Bottas (eight places lost – ouch!) and a Race Result for Schumacher. 20 points for each guess plus 5 for the Bribe means 45 extra points. Amazing.
    • Vladimir Mazepin made three predictions and gain 20 points. They correctly made a Race Result forecast for Schumacher. Their almost-correct Race Result guess for Albon was cancelled out by a wrong Race Result forecast for Norris.
    • Cockpit Misfits gain 15 for getting an Opening Lap forecast for Bottas right, but losing points on a Race Result prediction for Ocon.
    • Current League runners-up Team Name made similar predictions, only this time it was an equally-wrong Race Result prediction for Norris. 15 points for them.
    • Team Name's sister team Your Answer also gain 15 points. They were right to guess a Race Result for Schumacher, but wrong in their Opening Lap guess for Albon.
    • Nikita Putin made three Fast Forecasts. Their Race Result predictions for Gasly and Ocon went awry, but they clawed back points by guessing Schumacher's result. Plus 10 points.
    • Work Shop Boys gained 5-points for an almost-correct Opening Lap guess for Schumacher, but then lost it with a minus-5 point incorrect Race Result Forecast for Norris. Might as well not have bothered.
    • Panda Pops, Scrapyard 17 and Steady Jordan each lost 10 points on their Fast Forecasts. The sad Panda predicted an Opening Lap loss for Gasly and a Race Result for Magussen. Scrapyard made an Opening Lap guess for Vettel and a Race Result guess for Russell. And Steady did an Opening Lap guess for Albon and a Race Result prediction for Magnussen. All wrong, wrong, wrong.

    It's nice to see Fast Forecasts catching on so quickly. That's a net gain of 90 points across the teams, so it's worth it. Make a Fast Forecast prediction for the next race now.

      They're coming soon. We've just got to think of some good ones. Watch this space.


      Here are the driver and constructor Track Points in Bahrain.

      Here is the complete Losers team data for Bahrain.

      And here's how it's affected the Standings.

      Access your personal team page here.

      WHAT'S NEXT?

      Disappointed with your points haul in Bahrain? Change your team choices with Ejector Seats. Go on. Do it now! In a few days, we will launch our first Pitlane Punts of the season – gamble your hard-earned points in wonderfully reckless ways! The next race is Saudi Arabia on 27 March. At last year's Saudi race, Toto Wolff destroyed a set of headphones. What will he break this time round?